As Long As I'm Here // Billie Eilish

I don't want to

I decide to give her some space and leave her alone for awhile instead of approach her right away. I think she needed some time to just think and be by herself. Meanwhile I sat down with my laptop and started to google "incontinence". I wanted to have as much information as I could about products to try out and potential treatments. Just so I could help Billie in the best way possible. When I felt like I had all the essential information I needed I made a cup of tea and a sandwich for her. I went to the closed bedroom door and knocked on it carefully. A voice on the other side off the door agreed to let me in. When I open the door both Ruby and Shark walks in before me and jumps up on the bed where Billie is lying.

"Hi, I made you some tea and a sandwich" I say as I set the tray down.

Her face looks red and a bit swollen, like she had been crying. Shark licks Billie's face and she pets him while she looks up at me and thanks me.

"Have you been crying?" I ask.

"Maybe..." She says quietly.

I look at her again and pout before I sit down beside her on the bed.

"Come here hjärtat (my heart in Swedish)" I say and open up my arms for her.

She lays down with her head in my lap. I kiss her forehead and play with her hair carefully.

"Sorry I got upset.." she says sounding sad and looking up at me for a second.

"You're okay baby, I know it's difficult. But as I said, we need to talk about stuff like this. Or just stuff in general. Especially now that we live together"

"I know, I'm just, scared. And embarrassed, I guess.."

"You don't have to be neither scared or embarrassed with me, okay?"

"Okay" she says, not sounding completely convinced.

"Can we, um, turn the lights off?" She asks and looks up to me for a second.

"Off course, you don't even have to ask"

I stand up and walk to the door to turn the lights off. The room gets filled with comfortable darkness.

"Do you want to sit up or lay down while we talk?" I ask Billie when I get back to the bed.

"C-can we lay down and you cuddle me?" She asks a bit shyly.

I lay us both down as an answer and puts her on top off me, with her head resting on my chest. I wrap my arms around her and she let's out a breath.

"Okay, so I've googled this a bit, you know for information about products and-" Billie cuts me off.

"I am not wearing diapers!" She states, very clearly.

"Calm down, I didn't ask you to. But just to ask, why not?"

"Why?! Because I'm not a baby Tuva. I'm a grown women. I don't want to be sleeping next to my girlfriend in a fucking diaper?! And what if someone finds out? My career would be ruined"

"As I said, I didn't ask you too. I just don't understand why you don't want to try? It doesn't make you a baby for using protection when you need it, a lot of people have bladder issues. And how could anyone even find out if you're using them during the night?"

"Just, no. I don't want to" Billie states again.

"Okay, okay. Can I at least tell you about what I found out when I did my research?" I ask.

"Okay" she finally says.

"Okay, I'll try to sum it up shortly. So as you already know there are adult diapers, or pull ups, wich is more like underwear. There's also some kind of thicker pads, but they only hold small amounts off liquid and to be honest I don't think they will work for you. We can also buy a mattress protector to lay under the bed sheets to protect the mattress from getting soiled each time. I've tried to google for treatments but the only thing I could find was a surgery with 50/50% chans of success. Worst case it gets worse with the surgery"