The Days That Count

22. The Day She Fell

After that day, nothing was the same. Jordan had numbed his feelings for Heavenly after getting closer to another girl and Heavenly thought of Jordan more often, to the point of being consumed by the image of him. Her relationship with Maxx fell into a kind of routine and she pretended she was happy. Maybe she was happy in a way, but it could be that happiness wasn't what she yearned for after all. It was all about polite smiles and reassuring words. Saying 'I love you' felt like saying 'Good morning' and having sex felt like having breakfast, with only one dish on the menu. Maybe it was supposed to feel like that, she thought. After a while of being in a relationship you fall into routine. It's nothing to be worried about. It's the way life is.

But should this be happening to me right now? We've only been going out for five months. She kept wondering.

HEAVENLY'S POV:

Jordan never mentioned having a girlfriend to me, but he started skipping our hang outs more often since that day we all had lunch together. To be precise, I hadn't seen him for days since then, and when I finally saw him, it was for a short while when he came home to look for his backpack. Baek and I were playing cards on their couch when he barged in looking for it. I saw him packing his toothbrush and pjs into the backpack. He left telling Baek-Hyun that he wasn't gonna sleep home that night. It was crystal clear then.

I saw him at campus morning after. He conversed with me like usual, smiling from ear to ear, being his usual self. Somehow, his smile hurt me. Somehow, it seemed more sparkly than before and implied the beginning of new Jordan Parker. I didn't know that I could be so possesive to feel bad about another girl making him happy. He left for lunch to be with her and I saw them chuckling from the other side of cantine. It bugged me to the point of distress. I couldn't eat or even sleep sometimes thinking of them together. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, Jordan began bringing her over and having her at our hang outs. I couldn't rationally grasp why seeing them all over each other made me lose my cool but then I came to terms with myself.

I might have feelings for him.

From the moment I realized it, I fell into a state of overwhelming fear. My behavior towards Maxx had gotten artificially sweeter and more love-like in a desperate need to escape this rock-bottom I've hit and deny the fact that Jordan is the one on my mind. Escape is what I need. Having feelings for him scares me.

It's nearing the end of February. I have been studying for my exams as much as I can and delaying hanging out with Maxx for a while, with studying as an excuse. These random moments where I just don't want to see him and need to gather more energy in order to be a good girlfriend to him when I do see him happen quite often. Being with him takes enormous amount of energy but I am such a coward that wouldn't break it off.

Yeah, I've thought of breaking up but I just couldn't find a good enough reason. He was a good guy and treated me well. Maybe all of this I feel towards Jordan is just a delusion, a temporary attraction, quick flashback of devotion written down in history long ago. Maybe I am just a coward who is scared that Jordan will reject her and Maxx will despise her for good.

Too scared to leave, too agitated to stay. Both have their own risks. Which risk am I willing to take?

I chew on my gum nervously as I go over the material for the test I'm about to take. I have been in the study room at our faculty for the whole morning and am about to take the test at two in the afternoon. Just as I decide to get something to eat fourty minutes before the test, I hear someone talking by the corner.

"Have you heard it? Jordan Parker is going out with Yvonne Hawke, " one blonde girl tells a brunette one that's conversing with her. They both look like such devilish little gossippers that I cannot help but frown.