Actor, 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖌 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓 [UNDEREDITING]

9 ; Actor

I got back home fairly quickly, and I walked into a shrouded in darkness apartment. I threw my bag and hoodie onto the sofa, and clapped so the lights came on. I sat facing my fireplace and TV, and sighed. I had been thinking during the ride back to my apartment about how I was feeling. I didn't want to move from the awkward but comfortable position on my sofa. 

"Why do I feel so weird around him now?" I sighed to myself. 

I reached for my phone from my pocket and turned it on. The screen was to bright the orange lit up living room so I turned the brightness down. I opened Instagram, and scrolled for a little bit, not moving another muscle in my body other than my finger. I kept scrolling hoping for something interesting, something to take my mind off the tense atmosphere I just escaped from.

I was hoping for something other than Chan, but when his latest photo on the Stray Kids Instagram popped onto my feed, I sighed again. Regardless of the weird tension between us, I liked the post. Simply because I did like the post. A lot. More than I should've. He was wearing his hair nicely after a performance, and a short sleeved tank top which showed off his arms nicely.

I turned my phone off and walked to the kitchen, I turned on the light by a switch and walked to my fridge. I brought out some strawberries and started chopping them up. I cut them into 4 pieces, and placed them into a bowl. My phone suddenly pinged, so I cut the last strawberry and picked up my phone again.

Chan: Hey, I know your going to be on set everyday starting from next week. I'm going to be pretty busy next week too since it's the final week of September, and Seungmin's birthday is soon. I'm just gonna work on the song myself from now on. Have a great time on set! Fighting Rain-ah!

I closed my eyes tightly, kind of hoping that his message was different. It felt like he was pushing me away, keeping me at a distance because of what happened but I was sad about it. It didn't feel good to be pushed away. 

My eyes burned with a familiar sting, a sensation that transported me back to my school days. Those years were marked by loneliness, characterized by feelings of alienation from the very people who I thought would be my friends. I often found myself on the outskirts, overlooked and pushed aside, grappling with the weight of rejection. It took me years to come to terms with the experiences that shaped my youth, and strangely, I found a sense of comfort in believing that the blame lay squarely on my shoulders. I understood, in a painful way, why those around me seemed to grow distant and resentful.

Chan was navigating a similar path, though he remained blissfully unaware of the parallels between our struggles. I couldn't bring myself to hold it against him; after all, we are all flawed in our own ways, often repeating the patterns of our past.

Despite the heartache I endured, those very experiences contributed to my growth and self-discovery. Each moment of rejection stoked the fire of resilience within me, allowing me to build a newfound confidence. I emerged from the shadows of my past as someone who genuinely cares for others, driven by the desire to prevent anyone from experiencing the same pain I felt. The lessons learned through my suffering shaped me into a selfless individual, one who is determined to foster kindness and understanding. I strive to be the person who embraces others rather than pushing them away, understanding all too well the ache that accompanies such actions. I've learned that love and compassion are far more powerful than the fear of being hurt again.

Instead of messaging back, I clicked on google and started searching why I felt the way I did today with Chan. What did it all mean anyway?

If you're feeling tension with a certain friend, there could be many reasons...

Blah, blah, blah.

One reason could be unrequited feelings, or perhaps mutual feelings. If you feel a tension and you question certain things about this friend, your feeling could be the source of unwanted tension in your friendship.

I took a deep breath in. This website was telling me the tension and my confusion was actually my feelings for him. I laughed loudly, I never in my life felt such feelings for someone, nevertheless a man. Not that I was against it, I think as an actor, you have to be very open-minded and accepting, especially to make your audience comfortable and accepting of you. 

It's just...I've never held feelings for a man before and suddenly I meet Chan who's older than me and now I'm experiencing a confusing whirlwind of emotions for him?

To confront your feelings for your friend, you should build up courage and tell them! Your feelings will either be accepted or not, but the tension will be resolved and getting rejected is not the end of the world!

Check our website on how to deal with rejection!

I sighed, was revealing my 'sudden feelings' for him a good idea? It probably wasn't, but the website said it would get rid of the tension. 

I wouldn't simply tell him how I feel; given that his birthday is on the 3rd of October, I want to do something special. Alongside the gift, I'll write him a heartfelt letter, pouring out my emotions onto the page. If he chooses not to reciprocate, he has the option to discard the letter, and I'll respect his decision not to engage with me in person anymore.

As I pondered my feelings, I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the notion of "feelings." Do I truly have feelings for him? I found myself lost in thought, imagining what life would be like with him. I envisioned the simplest yet most intimate moments—spending time together, being by his side during both the mundane and extraordinary. I wondered what our future could hold: would we share a home, decorated with our combined tastes? Would we borrow each other's clothes, blurring the lines between belonging and partnership? Could I see us sharing tender moments, our lips meeting in soft, tentative kisses? These thoughts tumbled around in my mind, each one igniting a mix of excitement and trepidation about the possibilities that lay ahead.

The thoughts alone had my cheeks heating up again, and a shy smile playing on my face. I probably looked crazy if there was someone here with me, but I was alone. I shook my head, ridding myself of the delulu thoughts. So, perhaps I did like him. I was somewhat proud of it, it was the first time I had feelings like this. 

I wouldn't let him push me away just yet, it wasn't fair. I wanted him, and maybe, just perhaps I like him enough to envision somewhat of a future for us. 

What present could I get him? A beanie? More tank tops? Some jewellery? What does Chan like?

Chan likes music!

I could get him some clothes, I could write down some lyrics for the OST and impress him with my no experience of writing lyrics!

If I could express the depth of my devotion to the songs that resonate within me, perhaps through my words I could reveal my true feelings for him and the character I embody. I imagined that by pouring my heart into my writing, he might glimpse a more mature, introspective side of me that he had yet to discover. It was a hopeful fantasy that danced in my mind as I found myself distracted by the sweet, vibrant berries in front of me. The strawberries, plump and inviting, were a small comfort as I contemplated the possibilities of winning his heart.