Actor, 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖌 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓 [UNDEREDITING]

28 ; Actor

I made up my mind long ago, but I still needed more time
But maybe I took too long

That was a lyric in the song. In the song that I helped write. I didn't write this particular lyric, so Chan must've written it and decided to add it. The lyric reminded me a lot of how Chan had run away from me a few weeks ago. The lyrics acted as some sort of insight to how Chan saw our relationship. He needed some more time, but I was ready...maybe I pushed him a little too much.

After listening to the song, Hyunjin talked to us for a bit longer. Talking about dancing, and their tour schedule which would be beginning in the next few weeks. I didn't worry to much about it, whatever would happen, Chan and I would talk about it. Hyunjin left after a little while, and it finally left me and Chan alone in the studio.

"So did you really like the song?" Chan asked, rubbing his hands together waiting for my opinion.

"Hyung, I really like it." I reassured him with a comfortable smile.

I blame myself, I blame you                                                                                                                                                I don't know whom to blame, my resent grows

I looked at Chan, as he smiled and turned back towards his computer. I think he was trying to find the courage to start the conversation we needed to have. It reminded me of the lyrics about resentment, it was true all these problems had made us blame ourselves, blame each other, even if we didnt want to blame each other. We did have some sort of resentment for each other, because we liked each other, but our circumstances were beyond our control sometimes.

"I nearly ran someone over on my way here." I chuckled, "He just walked out in front of my car..."

"Jesus, where was this?" Chan asked me, and he turned to me to give me his full undivided attention.

"In my apartment buildings car park!" I told him, dramatically, "I nearly ran him over!"

Chan chuckled and shook his head at my story, despite it being true, we took it light-heartedly. I noticed Chan had mentioned anything about the flowers he ordered me this morning and so I figured he was a little shy about it, or he would mention it after we talked about the main problem we have right now.

To be just friends, you're too beautiful
To just stay as friends, I know I'll regret this so

"We need to talk about it eventually Chan." I stated in the quiet space. He nodded in agreement.

"It's been like 4 weeks since that date night. It ended horribly and that's my fault." Chan started and I was about to interrupt, "No, it really is my fault Rain-ah."

I try to hide this feeling that I can't control

"I never should have ran away. Even if I was scared, it wasn't fair to you to leave you out there alone. I spent a lot of time thinking about you while you were in Busan. I didn't message you, because I thought we could both use the space...

I like you Rain-ah.

I know that now. The time apart made me realise how much I missed you. It made me realise how much I actually enjoyed you around, and how much I liked waiting for your messages. I like you, and everything that comes with you."

I know I'll regret, so I decide to express my feelings
I want to be more than just friends

I looked at Chan, he was wearing such a serious facial expression, and he was almost scary. I could feel the passion, the slight feeling of fear coming from his body language, from his stare. I smiled at him, but I know now that I had to say my piece now and confess all my wrongdoings to Chan.

"Chan, thank you for saying all of that." I said kindly, "You know I like you too, but I want to say my part because I havent been all that truthful..."

"Truthful? Tell me." Chan whispered, his serious brown eyes brushing over my whole face.

I should have looked away, yet I'm mesmerized again

"Around 8 months ago, I went into hiatus. I didn't fall down some stairs, it was...something else. It doesn't matter but after that I felt so alone. I tried to be more mature, tried to hide how I was really feeling. I tried to be someone I'm not. I tried to be an adult...

but I was just hiding away in a corner. 

The truth is...I am very immature. I do act like a little kid sometimes, and a lot of the time, I need that support from older people. I tried to act mature for you, I just wanted to be closer to you. I wanted to be the one to reassure you when you needed it, and I wanted to be a pillar of support for you. I didn't want to fall into a void so I acted like I was more mature for you.

I'm sorry Chan."

We sat in silence for a few seconds of talking heart to heart, and I eventually gained the courage to look at Chan's face. He was still serious, but his eyes were softer and the specks of light honey shone brightly. He was looking over at me, and I could see the mountain of questions he still had, but I could also see the amount of love in his eyes.

"Thank you for telling me Rain-ah." Chan smiled, "I have loads of questions now, but I'm happy enough. You don't have to tell me just yet."

"Thank you hyung." I smiled back, "Chan?"

I was going to ask him about the flowers, but I watched in silence as Chan pulled my chair closer to his, my knees moving in between his own. I looked up at him, and he was so serious. His expression sucked all the air from the room, and I was a little short for breath. I felt tingles from the tips of Chan's fingers and he brushed them along my cheek. 

The air was warm, and I breathed heavily. Chan and I had shared a peck before, but the way Chan seemed to be looking at me, I knew he expected more this time.

He could have me. All of me.

I held the back of his head softly, my fingers finding their way in between his soft hair. I wasted no time in bringing our lips together, finally. I smiled as Chan made the first move to make the kiss deeper. I was excited, giddy, I had waited for so long. The kiss didn't seem forced, it was a kiss without any regrets. Our hearts and our reassurances poured into it. 

"Chan..." 

I wanted to breathe, but Chan pulled me into him more and more. I smiled as his teeth gently captured my bottom lip. I was warm, and flustered from the passion of his lips on mine. It was everything I dreamed of. Chan was everything I dreamed of, and that kiss set my admiration of him in stone. 

"I like you so much. I'm sorry for realising to late, and letting silly things like age gap scare me." Chan finally admitted.

"Hyung, come back to my apartment with me tonight." I said without thinking rationally about it. He nodded with a smile, and picked us both up from the studio chairs. 

"Let's go and relax." Chan suggested, and I smiled big and wide. The smile pulling my whole face back, and making my eyes disappear. I was so happy right now.