Actor, 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖌 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓 [UNDEREDITING]

13 ; Actor

"So your feelings, can you explain them?" Chan asked for a second time as I got distracted by the night time scenery outside the car window. Chan was taking us further out of the city it seemed.

"My feelings...I don't really know. Sometimes I just wanted to keep looking at you." I mumbled, kind of embarrassed. I've never in my life had someone ask to explain my feelings before.

"You said in your letter that you start picturing something more." Chan reiterated like he had memorised what I had written. 

"Yeah. When we sat in the studio together, I would look at you and wonder what life would be like if we were together like that all of the time. I just, I realised that maybe I wanted to be with you all the time." I tried to explain, an embarrassing flush on my cheeks. I wonder if he could see it in the darkness of the car.

"Oh, right..." Chan nodded as he drove, "You also said you questioned your feelings?"

"Yeah well...hyung." I chuckled awkwardly, "I didn't know I could feel this way about a man so..."

"Yeah. I was surprised too." Chan muttered, and we took a sharp turn into what seemed to be a country lane.

"You were surprised?" I asked, did he mean he liked me back too? Was I getting ahead of myself?

"Yeah, I guess I didn't expect you to confess. I don't know." Chan shrugged and I felt my shoulders deflate a little. I always get a bit to ahead of myself. He just didn't expect me to like him, "You've never been in a gay relationship?"

"Never been in a relationship regardless. I just always assumed I liked women." I confessed, feeling slightly weird about saying it out loud. 

Looking back, it's interesting how, as a child, the concept of having options feels so foreign. Growing up in a household where my parents often questioned me about my romantic life, particularly asking if I had a girlfriend, created a narrow view of love and attraction. They never seemed to entertain the possibility that I might be interested in someone of the same sex, leaving me to grapple with my feelings in solitude. The thought of exploring my sexuality felt like an uncharted territory—was it even permissible? Would my parents accept me if I were to come out and reveal my true self?

As these thoughts swirled through my mind, I suddenly became aware of Chan beside me, his presence breaking my train of contemplation. He had brought us to a stop, and I instinctively turned my gaze away from him to the world outside the car window. We were parked on a vast hillside that offered a breathtaking view of Seoul sprawled beneath us. It struck me that this must be one of those iconic spots that buzz with excitement and anticipation during New Year's celebrations. In Korea, it's a cherished tradition to stay awake until dawn, trekking up the mountains to witness the first rays of sunlight illuminating the horizon on New Year's Day.

I watched Chan exit the car, his silhouette framed against the backdrop of the expansive sky. After a moment of hesitation, I followed him outside, stepping hesitantly onto the cool, uneven ground. The crisp air enveloped me, and I felt a mix of exhilaration and trepidation as I took in the stunning landscape before us, the distant city somewhat obscured by a gentle mist. It was a beautiful moment, yet my mind continued to linger on those unspoken questions of identity and acceptance.

"Before I came to Korea, there was a girl that liked me. I was going to ask her out, but instead I wanted to become idol." I listened as he explained, but I wanted to know why he was telling me this? To make me feel weird and inferior? To shut my feelings down by saying he was straight?

"Chan-"

"The age gap bothers me. It might only be 5 years, but your still incredibly young and I feel responsible for you whenever I'm with you." Chan turned and told me suddenly, "The age gap bothers me, I'm sorry."