Actor, 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖌 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓 [UNDEREDITING]

10 ; Actor

예전보다 못한 사이에 지친다
괜히 솔직해서 후련함은 없고 후회만 길다

The fact that we've grown even further apart than we were makes me weary
Because of my honesty, there is no relief, all that remains is regret

Over the next few days, I immersed myself in the art of lyric writing, filling countless scraps of paper with my thoughts and ideas. Each piece of paper, although seemingly wasted, bore witness to my struggle and evolution as a writer. The process proved to be incredibly challenging, especially since I had never attempted to write lyrics before. There were moments when frustration crept in, but amid the difficulty, I discovered a surprising element of enjoyment.

With my headphones snugly in place, I would lose myself in the music, letting the melodies and rhythms ignite my creativity. Every song became a wellspring of inspiration, transporting me to different places mentally and emotionally. When I finally managed to craft a line or two that resonated with me, the sense of accomplishment was exhilarating. It felt as if I was unearthing a hidden talent, and the high I got from producing something I was proud of made the struggle worth it. Each lyric was a stepping stone on my journey, and even the imperfect ones taught me invaluable lessons about expressing my thoughts and feelings through words.

Not to mention, I had listened to so many Stray Kids songs to get used to their voices. Hearing Chan actually sing into my ears on his songs, it felt so nice.

I scratched my forehead to get rid of an itch, and an internal irritation on the inside my head. I seem to always get a writer's block after writing down one or two lyrics. I never knew how to change up words or use different adjectives for one theme. I groaned and leaned my head down on the table. This is the 7th piece of paper I've began writing down some lyrics, and I didn't want to crumple it up and put it in the recycling again.

"Korain-ah?" I heard a voice and I looked up at So-Joon, "Everything okay?"

We were on set, and today we were spending the time filming in the school set the production team had set up. Right now, we were preparing for a lunch scene between my character and my character's best friend. So-Joon was practising his lines, while I was busy writing lyrics. I looked up at him, clearly de-motivated with life.

"Yeah. Have you ever written lyrics or anything like that?" I asked him, desperate for some advice before Chan's birthday comes up.

"Lyrics? Nope, never." He replied back and I sighed, "Is this for the OST?"

"Yeah. I ended up meeting with the artists but he said he's going through bit of a mental block so I wanted to help." I said and I watched as So-Joon nodded with careful consideration.

"Can I see what you've got?" He asked and I handed him the piece of paper with a few lyrics on. Most of them probably aren't going to make the cut for the song, but it was worth a shot anyhow.

"Do they sound alright?" I asked, kind of scared of what he might say and what he might criticize. 

"I mean yeah...a little childish except the last one you wrote. Yet again, your character is meant to be seen as 'childish' so I guess it makes sense." He shrugged, and it was clear he had no experience with lyrics.

"But my feelings should appear mature because I want them to be taken seriously." I said as I grabbed the paper back from him, "Even though I'm young, my feelings are serious. People tend to overlook that."

"Calm down." So-Joon laughed, "It's like you actually have feelings for her." 

Her? Oh, he meant Ji-won, the actress who was to play my love interest. Despite her importance to the show, and to my own career, I always seemed to forget about her. She had such a grand presence as a actress, but I couldn't bring myself to care about her. Suddenly, he thought I had feelings for her? I looked at him weirdly and he chuckled.

"Korain, So-Joon! Are we ready to get started?" The director came into the classroom, cameras and more crew following him ready to get set up for a few scenes. We quickly stood up, and I walked over to place the paper into my bag. My actual bag which had found itself as my prop.

As October 3rd approached, only a few days remained, and I found myself reflecting on the silence that had settled between Chan and me. True to his request, I hadn't reached out to him, but it was unusual for him not to check in with me either. No updates, no snippets of his progress—it was as if the song we had spoken about had come to a standstill. Each day was filled with curiosity and concern; I often found myself wondering what emotions had driven him to send that initial message. Did he really feel comfortable with the distance we had agreed upon? Or was he struggling with it quietly, just as I was? The uncertainty lingered in my mind, and I couldn't help but wonder how he was truly feeling behind that calm exterior.

For his present, I was of course going to put flowers in there for him, and show I appreciate his hard work despite not getting along right now. I was going to put a card with a full and loving message telling him I'm pursuing him regardless of the small age gap which he already dislikes. A some sweet treats he might like, but it'll all be a complete guess on my behalf. A small buddle of paper with lyrics on which I hope he'll appreciate and come of use to him. 

I genuinely want us to find our way back onto the right path, where we can connect and share moments again. It's important to me that he understands how much I enjoy being in his presence. I recognize that there's a possibility he might feel the need to distance himself, especially considering all the effort he has put into reaching his current place in life. The sudden idea of a relationship can be overwhelming, and I completely understand that.

I've mentally prepared myself for this situation. I'm determined not to let him push me away completely. While I realize that giving him the time and space he needs is crucial, I also feel strongly that I can't just walk away without at least getting the chance to show him how much I care. I want him to know I'm here, ready to support him, but also hopeful that he will open up and give us a real opportunity to explore what we could have together.

Everything that he's scared of, I would show him it's not that scary. Loving someone isn't scary. Perhaps at first, especially when your liking the same gender when you didn't know it. Sometimes it still scares me but then I think of Chan, and how we spent hours comfortable in the same space, and all the problems seem so far away.

Would Chan be scared because I'm younger, and maybe I'm just a rad bit irrational at times? Do I talk too much, is he scared I'll say something? I want to be able to reassure him for the rest of my life. 

I realize that maybe my thoughts come off as a bit overdramatic, but the truth is that I really do like him. However, I'm still uncertain about the depth of my feelings and what they truly mean at this point. I find myself wanting to explore this connection further, to uncover the layers of what I feel for him. My greatest hope is that Chan will be open to giving this potential relationship a fair chance.

This is truly the first time I've allowed myself to focus on my own desires in such a way, and I feel a certain selfishness in wanting to pursue this. Nonetheless, I'm fully aware of the delicate balance that comes with matters of the heart, and I intend to respect that boundary. Hurting Chan is absolutely the last thing I would ever want to do. Should it turns out that my feelings do not develop into something more, my top priority will be to maintain our friendship. I value what we have too much to risk losing it entirely.

I think.

Now, what flowers does he like?