Actor, 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖌 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓 [UNDEREDITING]

25 ; Actor

I turned towards Chan hesitantly, but considering I was still swaying, I let him take my suit off for me. The cold nipped my naked chest, and I hugged myself to warm myself up in the cold bathroom. I heard Chan sigh in front of me, and I was too scared to look at him. 

I was a complete idiot. I really thought I had rang my mum to pick me up, but I guess you cant trust your drunk self to make every right decision. I didn't know what to say to him, he was standing in front of me, and I totally wasn't prepared to talk to him yet. I needed to plan things, otherwise, everything gets messy.

"Stay here, I'm getting you some new clothes." Chan said, and I nodded, feeling truly like a little kid right now.

He left the bathroom, and I took my hair out from the ponytail it was in for my Aki Cosplay, and I walked into the shower. I forgot I was still wearing pants and socks when I went in, so I immediately got more cold and my clothes drenched. I jumped at the cold water, before it started warming up, and I got dizzy from the shock. I sat down on the shower floor. 

Chan was really here, walking around in my apartment all because I can't handle my drink. Perhaps he only came because he knew I was drunk...I was sobering up more every few minutes, and since Chan was here and willing to take care of me, then maybe I could talk to him in my tipsy state. Would he be willing to listen to me?

"Oh my god, Rain-ah, your clothes!" I looked at Chan, I had got lost in my thoughts.

Chan opened my shower door, and moved quickly to pick me up from the shower floor. He was getting soaking too so I turned off my shower and let him drag me out the shower properly. He sighed as I dripped all over the floor. I got a towel from the cupboard and Chan snatched it from my hands.

"Sorry hyung. I forgot I was wearing clothes." I sheepishly admitted to him, and I was too scared to look at the disappointment on his face.

"Just like a kid..." Chan muttered under his breath, and I felt shame upon myself. All those times where Chan babied me, his judgement wasn't so far off for thinking I was immature, it was all pretend that I was 'mature'.

As he put the towel around my head and shoulders, I gently pushed him away. His comment upset me, regardless of how true it was. I don't really know what he expected though, if he viewed me as a kid, why was he here to help me? It was true that I was acting mature majority of the time, it was an act to impress him, to feel closer to him. The thing during hiatus had scared me done to my bones, and sent me into a headspace I nearly didn't escape. 

I didn't know how to function as a adult because of trauma. It was awful, and every since then I've been pretending to be more mature, like I can take care of myself, like I'm not hurting every day. My manager thinks I've recovered, but really I'm just desperate not to fall into a void. I was scared of how fragile it had made me, how much I needed someone, how much i just wanted some help. I was desperate to have someone that could take care of me, and I was never like that before the hiatus.

I took off my own pants and wrapped the towel around my waist, I didn't care what Chan saw. It wouldn't bother him anyway, since he was taking care of a 'child'. I walked past him, in order to reach my bedroom. 

"Rain-ah, I have some clean clothes for you."

I awkwardly took them from Chan's hands. I thanked him before putting them on in front of him. He was just watching me, sighing from time to time. When I was fully dressed, Chan held me why the tops of my arms and moved me to sit on my bed. He sat beside me, and we sat in silence for a little while, our favourite sight of the city beyond my windows.

"So, did you enjoy Halloween?" Chan asked, "You were Aki right?"

"Yeah..." I was still a little bit unaware of everything happening, I was still trying to process that this was actually Chan and not my mum. I guess it saves me from my mother's nagging about getting drunk.

"Do you not have work tomorrow?" Chan asked.

"Yeah..."

"Rain-ah, are you okay?" He eventually asked, and I didn't really know what to reply to him, "What am I kidding, your not. Neither am I."

I finally looked at him, he was looking down at the carpeted floor. He had his hands together, and a frown on his face. I really liked Chan but at this moment, I wanted him to be incredibly sad and regret what he did to me. I wanted him to feel even a fraction of the pain I was feeling. The way he left me out there 3 weeks ago, it actually hurt more than I thought it would. I tried to play everyone thing off as best as I could, pretend that I could recover from such a harsh rejection, but again, it was all pretending.

It was all acting. Hiding my feelings after each problem we encountered, acting mature for him, acting like I could make him forget about all his problems...All I do is act. 

"Rain-ah. I'm sorry." Chan started, "I...I'm sorry for leaving you out there that night. I...I was just scared. I shouldn't have run off like that though."

"It's okay hyung." I said, but it wasn't okay. "You clearly needed to think about everything."

Chan nodded, "I did. Then you went to Busan, and I couldn't apologise in person. I'm sorry again Rain-ah."

I was unhappy. So unhappy with everything. I couldn't be angry with Chan, but I don't know what else was making me so unhappy. I can't do anything to fix it because I don't know what my problem is. I guess all this acting was starting to take it's toll. I just needed a good night's sleep.

"I'm going to head to bed hyung." I stated, and started climbing in bed, even with my wet hair.

"Oh, oh...yeah sure..." Chan was startled but helped me climb into bed, "I thought you might've wanted to talk."

I did. I had so much to talk to him about, so much to apologise for, and so much to say about convincing him but...I had no energy for it. 

"Let's talk later Rain-ah, whenever we have time."