faded

70. falling to pieces

"Are you going to do this for me?" She asks, her head on my chest again.

My mouth is dry.

Her words leave me speechless. I had imagined consequences, anger... but never a request like this. I had no idea what was going on in her head anymore. I was finding it so hard to focus, with her sudden teasing that didn't seem inherently malicious.

I had grown accustomed to her seducing me to get her way. She knew the power she held over me, even if at times she didn't feel she had any. The fact of the matter was- I was affected by her. Everything that she did, good or bad, had me wrapped around her little finger. I couldn't imagine myself leaving her again, no, not again after all that had happened. It had been a big mistake on my part to ignore that I affected her, too. I knew it and everyone else did.

At this point I wasn't sure if it was because she truly loved me or because she was too broken up inside to make sense of all that had happened. It was heartbreaking to consider the latter, however there was no way for me to know. I wouldn't leave again, she perhaps would snap out of the haze and leave?

Before, her behavior was made up of predictable attitudes that I could easily manage. This was different, for Anastasia was only asking something of me. Something that I had done many times without a second thought, yet her request sent a chill up my spine. What remained of my soul wanted to believe that she would've never asked something like this before. It confirmed what I had suspected- I didn't know her anymore.

As I caressed her face, searching for a light in her eyes I was brought back to the conversation with my mother. She didn't recognize me anymore. I understood at that moment what she meant exactly. It filled me with such a deep sense of loss, I don't know how I didn't break down then and there.

"You wouldn't be able to live with yourself," I respond after what seemed like an eternity of silence.

"You don't want this. You want me to be with you and stay, you not trusting me is my fault. Me making the mistake of looking for her instead of being here with you- all on me."

I know if I'm being honest now, I need to tell her the entire truth. No, I didn't find her when I went looking, she found me. That would set the idea in motion that there is more going on than there actually is.

Even if I'm aware that it's a bad idea, I decide to be honest.

"I saw her at the wedding."

Her expression is hard to read. "What?"

"She spoke to me outside the wedding, briefly... to warn me."

Anastasia got up from the bed, I could tell she was upset. "Well thanks for telling me, I guess."

Again, her reaction surprises me. I'm not sure where exactly this could go and that scares me. I wait for screaming, destroying, but she just stands there looking at me. What's worse? I can't even make out the expression on her face. It seems like I have all the control over her now, but in reality she has me suspended on her every move... every word. The heavy feeling in my chest makes it hard to breathe, but I remind myself that I must.

"I don't want to be dishonest," I respond, "I'm sorry."

"I feel so jealous," she lets out a dry laugh, as if surprised she's admitting that to me. "I'm trying to trust you. I thought that I could..."

"I know..." I begin.

She scoffs silently, taking the cigarettes from the night table, "You don't know anything."

Anastasia walked over to the balcony door, just looking out through a crack in the curtains. "You think that I want to hear that shit? You really have the audacity to go and look for whatever her mame is, you tell me this with no shame."