faded

59.0 - zayn's remaining innocence

authors note - OKAY IDK WHY i get comments and stuff saying yall miss Anastasia like IF I RECALL CORRECTLY some of you used to hate her!! so can we not!!! I am introducing a character who is a big influence in the books and there is a prequel you should read so you can understand the story better. please no more msgs requesting anastasia/zayn, eventually she will come back, but yall really make me not look forward to updating when you hassle me like this. Ana is a main character lol we're not even halfway done with the story!!! so quit or get blocked!! it's annoying. maybe once y'all understand what i'm doing, y'all will like Elena too! trust me! k thanks.

*flashback - important chapter*

The flight from California to New York was stressful. Aside from the usual traveling stressors, Amy wouldn't stop talking. At all. I just wanted to have a glass of whiskey and try to clear my mind, but that is very difficult when your girlfriend won't quit talking about shopping and Saks.

I couldn't believe I was even with her. A mistake, a one night stand. Oh, if my Elena could see me now. She'd be so disappointed in me. She'd look at me with the very eyes that haunt me and tell me I was being reckless.

And I sure was. Nothing made much sense. I was completely shattered. I couldn't look at myself without feeling immediate disgust. I hated myself so much and the worst part was that I had brought all this up on myself. I left her because I couldn't say no to making money, couldn't abandon this lifestyle. It was all my fault.

As I walked through the lobby of my new apartment building, I realized how out of place I felt. Everything was so... cold. There was no hint of homeliness, no immediate warmth and relief of being home. It was just an apartment, just a place to sleep. It was not my home.

Amy had wandered off to meet with her friend who lived somewhere in the city. She wanted me to tell her not to go, but I couldn't care less. I'd be happy if she never returned.

The elevator ride up to the penthouse, I decided that I had to go back. I had to go back to Elena. I had to. I would never make it without her.

If only I could get her out of my head, if only I didn't love her. No, if only she didn't love me. What was I doing? She was the perfect woman - intelligent, independent, caring, attentive... we hardly argued. Never went to bed mad. We were always connected. That feeling of belonging has left me.

I am just like my father. For my stupid mistakes - I have left everything I ever had and wanted. The woman of my dreams, the chance at a real family, and my only hope for redemption. All the lights in me have been turned off.

I'm brought back to reality when the doors before me open and I'm looking out into the hallway. I immediately reach for my cigarettes and walk the long passageway, impatient to have a cigarette.

Nothing special. Just nice furniture and a view. I did love the view, but I had no one to talk to. No one to tell about this emptiness.

All my fault.

As I stared out, the lights on the buildings seemed to blur. I smoked my cigarette slowly, keeping the pack close in case chain smoking relieved this anxiety a little.

It would be so easy to end it. And I want to. It would be the only way to escape this lifestyle I am a slave to. I would die, but eventually they'd find some other idiot to do their dirty work.

But Elena wouldn't be okay. At least here, from a distance, I can keep tabs on her through Lauren. She promised to take care of my little angel.

I missed her so much. If only I could go back to holding hands by the beach and staring up at the sky. So much more simple than this shitty situation I have put myself in.

I had failed at trying to turn Amy into her clone. She was too experienced in the world, too damaged. Elena had preserved a kind of cultivated innocence because she was sheltered, and had continued to be, by me. Amy was older, too.

Maybe, I could find someone who at least looks like her. That wouldn't be so bad, it would be just like looking at Lena.

God, I'm going crazy.

But I could, couldn't I? Find a girl who looks and acts like her. I just have a type, nothing wrong with that.

As I discarded the cigarette butt in the ashtray, I began to make haste towards my bedroom. I was meeting the boss and his daughter in a few days, so I needed to look the part.