faded

65. full circle

I looked out into the water and watched the moon cast it's light down on it, the soft lilac reflection dancing in the ripples that formed sporadically. The starry sky only added to the beauty of the night, the darkness just empty enough to for a thousand stars to cast their glow. Soft, love songs played just a bit off in the distance, and I could still feel the excitement vibrating in the air.

I closed my eyes, trying to take in the moment. Cara and Kristen had gotten married and it was the most beautiful wedding I had ever seen. If anyone deserved to be happy in this world, it was them. After so many months of stress and anticipation, their day was perfect.

Smiling, I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling suddenly very light and almost happy. Even though I was alone, I didn't feel that way. In that moment I felt a little lighter, a bit more clearheaded.

The wind began to pick up a bit and I watched the trees, not paying attention to much else. Maybe this was it, maybe I could find happiness and peace someday. After everything that had happened I couldnt imagine things getting much worse, so they had to get better at some point.

"Ana."

Hearing his voice so clearly and closely, feeling an unexpected chill down my spine, it felt so real. I couldn't imagine this being real.

There's no way it could be. At last, I had gone crazy. The dream I had before I managed to get some sleep was, to say the least, very weird. Maybe it had been a sign that I was losing it.

I closed my eyes the moment I felt like I was tearing up. I couldn't bring myself to open them or even look back. I couldn't.

If I did, I knew maybe he wouldn't be there. I'd be looking at the little path and stairs that led back to the ballroom. My mind was playing tricks on me.

"Maybe this is like that dream last night. Has to be," I whispered to myself, almost inaudible.

My heart dropped to the floor when I felt a touch, a gentle hand on my shoulder.

Don't open your eyes.

I felt like my knees were suddenly jello.

I opened my eyes, slowly turning to take in the man looking at me, his hand still on my shoulder. His eyes so beautiful when I let mine meet his. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around him waist and pressed him impossibly close to me.

"Zayn."

I smiled, tears in my eyes. His hand rested on my cheek now, wiping away my tears.

"I can't believe it's you," I whisper just as he slowly takes my hand.

"It's me," he answers, taking a moment to look into my eyes. "I'm here and I'm never going to leave you again."

The questions I have can wait. How long? I don't know. This all feels like a dream, one that started off as a nightmare but somehow evolves into more than I could ever hope for.

I can hear my heart pounding in my ears.This is what I've wanted for so long.

"I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry I abandoned you."

He leans his head down and his forehead rests on mine. But his eyes were full of regret and fear.

"You know what I've fallen into. You know what I have done."

My chest rises and falls with every breath feeling heavier than the last. A mix of feelings — pain, anxiety, uncertainty. I was so happy to see him but seeing him so easily reminded me of everything terrible that had happened.

"I know I don't deserve you." He sighed and slowly moved away from me. "I know I've done a lot of harm. And I left you when you needed me. You're my wife and I left you. I can't ever do anything to make up for that but if you give me a chance," he sniffles, "I want to make it better. I love you."

I ponder for a moment. I think back to New York, everything that happened. Horrible things happened to me that I could have prevented. I think back to Zayn and how he always seemed to have this advantage over me.

"You came back," I finally say after a brief moment of silence, "I never imagined you would."

"Some things may be impossible to put in the past, we both know that," he says sadly, "but I want to start over. I want to make up for lost time. There was certain things I had to do and others were just so beyond my control. If I could've stayed with you, believe that I would have."

I knew at that moment so many questions I had would never be answered. Something about his demeanor was different. The once very dim light in his eyes, the one that some point felt like the only glimmer of hope I had left, was now gone. Reduced to nothing but a dark gaze, a cold, unfamiliar stare that held nothing in it.

It just made no sense. Everything happening around me seemed so coincidental. There was always more to the situation with him.

As he held me, I looked up at the sky and felt his heart slowly beating. His embrace was so familiar, but it felt so cold. As he held my head to his chest, with what I assume to be a gentle hand, it still felt so... hard? Sadly disappointing after the initial shock of him being here wore off?

Then I really started to remember.

Remember everything that happened today, how truly happy I had been during the ceremony...

But then there was always Zayn. His presence was a constant in my life, even when he wasn't physically there.

"Did you hear me, love?" He stroked my hair, I felt him kiss the top of my head.

"No, sorry," I replied quietly, "just happy you're here. I can't believe it."

"We'll have to talk in private about everything, I'm ready to tell you everything."