faded

3.0 - familiar

"You always go too far," Harry tells me in a hushed tone, his eyes set on the girl with her head on my lap.

She sleeps peacefully dressed in my clothes. Breathing softly, she stirs a bit, but holds onto one of my hands.

It had been a mistake to take her there, but I couldn't help it. Suddenly I lost all control and wanted to get even. But seeing her so helpless and clueless made me hate myself. Anastasia had been through enough. I was only making matters worse.

"I know," I simply reply.

Harry clears his throat. "Maybe you need to let her go. The way you're going about this is not the right way. I know why you did this, but you should just talk to her about it."

I roll my eyes. "What do I say? Hm? I can't bring that up and expect it to go well."

"You're just pushing her away. She can only take so much."

I know he's right.

"I don't know how to change. Instead of being able to put space between us and let her do her thing, I can't. I love her, like a mad man. It's driving me crazy."

Anastasia sleeps so soundly. I look at her and it all comes back to me.

Seeing her at the top of the staircase, a thoughtful look on her face, but shining so beautifully. My own work of art. I think back to being so close in her room, her lips so temping, but not kissing her yet. Her laugh. I imagine a world where I am different so I don't hurt her, but that world is not real, and neither is the security she gives me.

I look at her for a moment, I really admire her. She is so peaceful when she sleeps, so still. I think about how fast this has happened and how different Ana is now.

----

I pace in my room, my bottom lip sore from biting down hard on it during my decision making.
He is a dangerous man, you don't know what you're getting yourself into.

My phone lay on my pillow, just tempting me. I knew it was late. I had woken up at 1am and it was now around 2:30, the entire time I had tried to convince myself to just call. I knew I had to. I couldn't keep hoping my issues would disappear if I avoided them.

I was not strong enough. Coming to terms with how fucked my life had gotten was only the first step. But with no support system, being locked inside all day, and bad habits, I knew what road I was on. Maybe it was just my excuse. I knew I needed him in my life, maybe now more than ever, but could I get that back? The thought of being without him was now unbearable. All these months repressing my emotions only lead to them spilling out of me like a plague.

What if he didn't want me anymore? What if he was moving on and there was no room in his life for me? What would I do then?

Seeing how many missed calls I had from him wasn't the worst part. The texts were. Months and months of missed messages, calls, and voicemails were left from Zayn. I sat on my bed, sighing, taking the iPhone in my hands.

Z- Please talk to me, I just wanna know you're alright
Z- Ana, I can't keep doing this to myself
Z- I just want to talk
Z- I love you and you know that
Z- Are you home? Where are you?
Z- Goodnight, Ana I love you
Z- I'm sorry for everything

I scrolled through my contacts, stopping on one I never thought of calling. This was the best choice. I selected it, immediately dialling, my stomach in a frenzy of butterflies. Every thought in my head went in circles. My mouth was very dry and despite having slept so long, controlling my unevitable urge to drink as soon as I woke up was impossible. I was a mess and everyone in this house knew it.