faded

73. moving forward

Stefani sat across me sipping her tea and looking through a fashion magazine. Occasionally her eyes would be wide with amazement at a beautiful garment and she would show me excitedly. It was nice to have someone who didn't expect me to talk. I enjoyed her company immensely and was happy when she would visit with me during the week.

She was a very intelligent person with so many things to talk about. Not only was she well read, but also traveled and was an excellent conversationalist in many different languages. She was probably the most interesting person I had ever met, due mostly to how lively she was and how she could have you hanging on her every word. In the short time we shared- she taught me so many things. I often wondered what it would be like to have her poise and confidence, to carry myself so elegantly that I commanded the attention of every room effortlessly.

Zayn had kept his promise. He was stressed, but he wasn't taking it out on me anymore. He was kind to me, spoke to me softly. The conversation we had about that woman had weighed on me so heavily, I spent a lot of the time caught up in my own thoughts. As always, I had too many questions I would never receive an answer to. The worst of all was knowing that this temporary stability wouldnt last and something would send us right back to where we started. 

Things had changed since that conversation.

He had set up a comfortable area for me in his office so I could read in there while he worked. Every so often he would request a coffee or ask me to do something, which was a nice change from him completely shutting me out before. However, I knew it was because he saw me differently- broken. In his mind I had officially lost mine and with that came the responsibility of making sure I wouldnt do anything stupid. 

I often thought about Zayn not truly loving me and unsure of why he kept me around. An overwhelming paranoia hung over me like a dark cloud. I could not relax.

"I think I'm pregnant," I suddenly blurted out, the words heavy in my mouth.

My mother in law almost choked on the cookie she had stolen from my plate, her face excited and hopeful.

"Oh my gosh, what? Really?" She sounded so happy.

I however was a mix of emotion. Most of the thoughts running through my head negative ones. 

With everything that I knew now, especially about this Elena and him, I couldn't trust him. If I wasn't able to before, I couldn't offer another chance. Not because I didn't want to, but I just couldn't. I did not have the ability to believe in him, or anyone, anymore. 

"Just morning sickness, out of the blue."

She examined me, the sparkle in her eyes not yet leaving. "We have to go to a doctor. I'll tell Zayn to take you to..."

"No! No, I don't want to tell him," I replied quickly, watching her expression fall. "Not yet."

"Why?" She asked, her voice sad.

I sigh. "Because I dont even know if I am. And I'm- I'm scared."

Stefani put her hand over mine and I felt comforted. "Scared?"

"I don't want for him to be unhappy with me."

She shook her head. "I think he will be over the moon. How long have you felt sick for?"

I thought back to the last couple of weeks. I had been under a lot less stress and without arguing, I felt like I was actually adjusting. Things had genuinely calmed down and I could surely say that we were in a really good place. However I still couldn't relax and found myself falling into familiar habits.

"For the last two weeks."

She looked concerned. "You did mention not feeling like yourself a couple of days ago..."