faded

47.0 - hurt

I can't fucking breathe.

Suddenly I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me, and then I'm heaving on the floor, my hands crushing pieces of the mug, but there's no pain. Coffee stains my knees, stains my shirt, a mixture of the liquid from the cup and the one from my hands just stains. I'm crying so hard I feel like my ribcage threatens to collapse, like it's begging please come back, if you don't I'll fall apart and I won't be able to hold her heart, she'll have nothing to miss you with.

"Oh, my god, oh god."

Everything makes sense now. He just wanted these last good days with me... God, why would he make love to me? Why would we get married? I'm shaking and dizzy, I'm so lost I could die.

I crawl up on the couch, curling up as I fist pieces of the shirt I'm wearing, Zayn's shirt. I let out a deep breath and I just collapse, I let all this abandonment, all the pain, and all my desperation take over me. I don't know what to do.

He's gone. He's gone.

How could this be happening? How could he leave me?

An open, cold feeling plants itself in my chest, expanding through it's entirety, covering each hollow extreme, leaving me empty. I can't formulate a complete thought, I can't think at all.

Is this all in my head?

I can feel my hands blistering, bleeding. I wish I could care. As I made my way towards the bedroom,stumbling and knocking into things, I spotted the jacket he always wore. I grabbed it as if someone else would take it from me, the smell of his cologne so comforting... So close and real.

Maybe none of this was true. He would be back soon, he'd come back for me like he always did. Always, he always returns and he takes me home, and he loves me, and I love being so close to him I can hear his heartbeat... And it's mine, he says, my heart is yours... My heart is so broken... Oh, my god, Zayn....

Please come back.

Please.

---

"Baby," Zayn tries getting my attention.

I put my book down and looked at him smiling next to me in bed. "Yes?"

"I love you, baby," he put an arm around me and pulled me close, kissing my temple in the process. "Do you love me?"

I just nod, trying to mess with him.

He frowns playfully. "I didn't hear you, Ana."

Lifting a brow, I kiss his hand that rests on my shoulder.

I'm so happy, tired, but for once I'm completely happy. I feel like I'm glowing after being with him for the first time as his wife.

He pouts. "Repeat after me. I love daddy."

"Repeat after me, I love daddy."

I giggle and he sighs with a dreamy look on his face, like he's right where he wants to be. His eyes shine, unbelievably beautifully, and I can't believe any of this is real. This is my life and this is my man, I love him.

"Baby, why are you being so difficult!" He places kisses on my cheeks, my collarbone, my nose, and my forehead.

He looks at me in love, but he's serious all of a sudden. He lays his head on my chest and wraps his arm around me. I smile and tangle my hand in his hair.

"I love you, Ana. I really love you."

I kiss his head this time, the words leaving a trail of butterflies as they register.

"I love you, too, Daddy, I really love you. Forever."

"I never want you to stop loving me, I wanna be yours forever."

"You will be and I'll be yours forever, nothing can separate us," I play with his hair and feel him hug me tighter.

"Darling?" He says quieyly, "My love for you has never withered, it's never faded."