faded

42.0 - I'll miss this

He's quiet during dinner. After my bath and lunch, he distanced himself towards me. I'd occasionally catch him watching me but he didn't say much. It was odd. I had fallen into the pattern of being with him again so quickly. It scared me. I knew I'd eventually do something to fuck it up and we'd end up on horrible terms, but I couldn't control myself around him. I wanted his attention and deep down I wondered if I had done all this to get it. Had I, the masochist, fallen into Zayn, the sadist's game?

We sat next to each other on the couch not saying a thing. Did I piss him off?

As if by habit, I crawled onto his lap and watched his puzzled expression. "What are you doing?"

"Being close to you..."

He shakes his head no. "You're not in the right mindset."

I wrapped my arms around him. "You don't want me?"

He shakes his head. "You're very cute, you know that? You know I love holding you close. But you're not thinking clearly here."

I pout, trying not to let his words affect me so much. He was right but also wrong. I knew what I was doing, anyway. "Well, I want to be close to you."

He put his hand on my thigh and let it rest there. He rested his chin on my shoulder and smiled. "I'll miss this."

"What do you mean?"

He cleared his throat. "I've missed this."

"Have you?"

Zayn pulls me a little closer. "Of course. It means a lot to me that you're doing this."

"Well, I'm doing it because I want to."

I knew how I looked. I imagined that if Harry saw me, he'd be disgusted. It was just so easy to fall into Zayn again, effortless really. And he was being so loving... I was desperate for that, I was so alone. Was it wrong for me to wish he could always be this way? This all could've been avoided if we had both just been about each other from the very beginning. I couldn't lie- when I saw him for the first time, I knew it was him. Every other man I had ever met paled in comparison. He laid his eyes on me once and I was gone. It had simply been love at first sight.

Zayn turned the TV off and looked at me. A pained expression registered on his face. "I remember we were supposed to get married."

I smiled sadly at the memory. "Yeah... We were."

"Do you ever wanna do that?" He questions, as if jokingly.

"I... Yeah, I guess I do still."

"We can, someday. Tell me when and I'll be waiting."

Zayn places a kiss on my cheek, his forehead against mine.

"Tomorrow," I say seriously.

"Why tomorrow?"

"It feels like the right day."

He nods and his lips press against mine quickly. I feel his hand on my thigh and the other on my lap. "Okay, tomorrow."

We both agree and that's that. I don't push it. I smile sadly, forcing myself to be happy about it, but I can't help but feel like this happiness will be short lived. Not because of our past experiences or my knowledge about his temper... My heart was reacting as if this was really over, like I'd never see him again after today.

He wouldn't just abandon me, would he?

You're so insecure and childish.

My subconscious betrays me. As if I wasn't aware.

"Do you love me?" I ask him.

He gazes into my eyes lovingly. "Of course I love you, Anastasia. I've only ever loved you. I've been shit at proving it, I know. I've made a lot of mistakes with you and I don't know how to prove that I'm sorry."

"Actions, Zayn. With your actions. All I ever wanted was this, you and I."

"I'll spend the rest of my life trying to prove it. I swear."