faded

46.0 - a world alone

I stood in front of him in a white dress, Zayn in a suit. His eyes so focused on me, I couldn't even focus on what was being said at all. I'll never forget how it felt to kiss him then, to run out of the church like a girl sneaking out of the window. It was so surreal because I felt that we were back to the beginning. We were us again- no drama, no bullshit, nothing tearing us apart.

It's cold when I wake up. Instead of turning over to find shelter in his arms, I'm met with an empty space and a telephone next to me. I don't make much of it, even though I'm sad because I wanted to wake up next to him. I'm sore and as the thoughts surface of last night, I smile to myself.

The best night of my life.

I feel incredibly light and content this morning. I didn't think it was possible to feel like this again. I decide I'll make breakfast and wait for Zayn to come back so I can take my bath later.

I walk around the house for a little, stretching and trying to wake up completely. I make some coffee and sit in the living room, turning on the TV to hear some noise. A cartoon plays in German and I smile at how little I can understand what they're even saying.

The envelope on the coffee table catches my eye. I knew it was there from the moment I sat down, but I realized soon enough that it was for me.

I leaned forward and took it in my hands, stopping for a brief moment to admire the wedding ring I wore now. How strange, I was married.

But the contents of the envelope were what tore my entire world apart.

My dearest angel, my wife,

I meant everything I said yesterday. I cannot explain how I came to this decision nor will I go into detail about how guilty I feel about the way I treated you. Consider this my first step towards rectifying my mistakes. I have made too many and a lot of the time I've thought I'd never regret them, but I do, angel. I can't go on without paying for what I've done. I may not be physically there with you, but I will take care of you. Everything is taken care of for you and you won't have to worry about anything. I will call you as soon as I'm able, I hope soon. I'm sorry I'm leaving you like this. I love you, sweetheart, please be good. Please, please take care of yourself. I need you to be okay without me until I can be with you again.

Love,

Zayn

I collapse on the floor, coffee mug falling to pieces next to me. The tears just start streaming down my cheeks and I'm having trouble breathing... My chest is on fire and I'm caving in.

He's gone.

Not forever.