faded

40.0 - fixing it

I let him cuddle me.

The warmth I so desperately needed was making my judgement hazy. Still, I felt better now. After we had dinner and my bath, he gave me some pain killers that helped with the stinging on my spine and my headache. I was feeling incredibly lethargic and extremely tired all the time.

"You feeling better?" He whispers in my ear, the TV playing quietly in the room.

The question surprises me. He was laying very still, the only movement his soft breathing and his fingers tracing invisible circles on my arm. It was nice, I couldn't lie. For a second, I felt like the old me. Sheltered, maybe even cared for on the days we were good. We were good sometimes, I think. We had been out to hurt each other from the start. I knew this wasn't healthy, I was struggling to understand why I chose to cling to anyone who showed me the tiniest affection. I was so alone in the world now. I didn't know who to believe anymore and that made this so much more complicated. A part of me still loved Zayn and I had to admit it. I could try as hard as I wanted to forget, to not dream of him anymore... But that was so much harder than anyone could understand. No one could. This was the only security I had ever known- I didn't have a mother or a father to teach me how to love myself. No one taught me how to be independent. I was still learning myself, too late, but it wasn't a change that wouldn't take me a day or two. Years later I was still healing and only time could define when I'd be okay again.

"Yes," I simply said.

"Thank you for this," Zayn replies, watching the TV.

I looked at him for a while. Trying to figure out what went wrong and where we lost track of each other. There was a disconnect, a brief moment where I thought I didn't care anymore, but I was wrong. While I thought of Harry everyday and wished it wasn't happening like this, I loved Zayn still. I didn't want to and I faught it everyday, but I was only hurting myself.

"I won't say I love you, it seems so careless of me to do that after everything, but I can promise that this won't be forever. Eventually, you'll have your freedom, to stay or go... Whatever you want. I just need these next few days."

"What do you mean?"

Zayn makes eye contact, a very sad look on his face. As if he could cry, he clears his throat. "It's nothing, angel. I just want things to get better, be happy. It's not right of me to ask for you to give me that chance and I have to right to demand anything of you."

He kisses my forehead. "But I just want us to be okay, like we've been before. That's all."

Not yet understanding, I nod. I agree by daring to kiss his jaw, just a simple kiss I didn't know I wanted to give him.

He's so lost.

"We can do that, sure. I don't want to be miserable here and I know you don't either."

"You'll understand with time. Thank you."

We watch TV for a little while more until I feel my eyes getting heavy. He gets up to get me some water and to smoke a cigarette outside, leaving me alone with half asleep thoughts.

What was happening in a few days? Were we going back home? What did he mean by stay or go, in Berlin or New York? It just didnt make any sense at all to me, his sudden decision to tell me all of this without giving me a good explanation of what was going on...

I turned on my side and stared at the wall. I was warm and comfortable, though I had a heaviness in my body due to the pain that just wouldn't go away at all. I began to fall asleep and my thoughts began to drift to other things... My mother, Harry, Melinda... The great white house where I grew up, the staircase, where I saw Zayn for the first time...

The bed dipped and I felt his arm over me, his head nuzzled into my neck until he was comfortable.

And right before I completely let sleep take over me, I heard him say something.

In an impossible whisper, "Not forever."

I hadn't the slightest idea.