𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙤𝙡𝙤 𝙞𝙢𝙖𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨

relapse - chris

requested?: no!

possible tws!!!!: mentions of relapse, self harm, panic attacks. it won't go into any detail about the self harm, just mentions of it already being done.

summary!: in which you relapse with self harm and chris comforts you.

notes!: TW! writing this from personal experience ! i relapsed the other day and i hate myself for it, so i feel like writing this would help me cope and get my feelings out.

y/n's pov
i fucked up. i promised chris i wouldn't, and i did. he's gonna be mad at me. he's gonna hate me. i hate me right now. i was a complete mess in the middle of chris' bedroom. i just relapsed after almost a year of being clean. the triplets were out filming a car video and i didn't have anything to distract me from my thoughts, so i just did it. and now i hate myself, and the triplets are gonna hate me.

i felt my chest tightening, and it getting harder to breathe. i was having a panic attack. i pulled out my phone and called nick, because if i called chris he would be worried and i would let it slip out what i did and he'd be even more worried, and probably mad, and i'd rather wait to deal with it when he came back, instead of having nick and matt deal with that in a tiny space.

"hello?" nick answered. "nick," i sobbed. "hey, hey, what's wrong?" he asked. "panic attack," i choked out. "okay, we're on the way back, where are you?" he asked. "chris' room," i replied. "okay honey, i'll be there in not even 10 minutes okay? take deep breaths, i'll be right there to help you," he said, and he stayed on the phone with me. i heard the front door close, and footsteps. "chris, let me talk to her first and then i'll come get you," i hear nick say, before he came downstairs and into chris' room.

he ran over and sat next to me, pulling me into him. "deep breaths, take deep breaths with me," he said. eventually i had calmed down and he looked at me. "what happened?" he asked softly. "i relapsed," i whispered as tears fell again. "oh sweetheart," he pulled me into another hug. "i'm so scared to tell chris," i told him. "i know, but you have to, if you want i'll stay in here with you," he said and i nodded. "okay, let me tell him to come down," he pulled out his phone, texting chris, and a few minutes later, chris was in his room, sitting on the floor in front of me.

"hi princess, you okay?" he asked, grabbing my hand and i shook my head. "what's the matter? what happened?" he asked softly. "i'm scared... to tell you," i admitted. "i'm not gonna get mad at you baby, i'm here to help you, you just had a panic attack baby, the last thing i'm gonna do is get mad at you," he rubbed my hand. i looked at nick and he nodded at me, and i looked back at chris. "take your time beautiful," he said. "i... uhm, i..." i looked at him, and he looked at me and i saw nothing but worry and care in his eyes.

"i relapsed," i whispered, immediately looking away from him as tears fell again, this time a lot faster. "nick, can you give us a minute?" chris whispered after about 5 minutes of silence. nick gave my hand a squeeze, before leaving the room, and chris pulled me into his lap, holding onto me like his life depended on it. "i'm sorry," i sobbed into his shoulder. "hey, hey, shhh, calm down love, you're gonna make yourself sick, you're okay, i got you," he said, starting to rock us back and forth a little.

"breathe baby, you're okay, i got you, i'm right here," he whispered, rubbing my back, still rocking us back and forth. i took a couple deep breaths and i calmed down eventually, and just laid on chris' shoulder. "i love you," chris told me. "you wanna talk about it?" he asked and i shook my head. "okay, but i want you to know this changes nothing baby, i'm still so proud of you. relapse is part of recovery, you're gonna get through this baby, and i'm right here to help you, i promise," he rubbed my back.

"i just hate myself for doing it, i-" he cut me off. "no no baby, you don't need to hate yourself. you're trying to let yourself get better and i'm so proud of you, princess. again, relapsing is just part of recovery, we're gonna get you through this, me matt and nick will help you no matter what, we're all right here baby," he kissed my head. "i love you so much," he said again. "i love you," i mumbled into his shoulder.

"i know you don't wanna talk, so let's just lay down, yeah?" he asked and i nodded. "wait.. did you.. clean them or no?" he asked and i just nodded into his shoulder. "okay," he whispered, still holding me as he got up, and walked over to his bed, laying down with me still on top of him. i moved my head and snuggled it into the crook of his neck, and he rubbed my back. "i'm always here baby, i love you," he told me once again. "i love you."