Ride Or Die

panic room

I feel weak and my eyelids feel so heavy, it's almost like their sealed with tape. My headache beats in my head and my heart goes a thousand miles per minute. I repeatedly choke on something in my throat that's not there, and my throat's so sore I almost can't breath through my mouth. I flutter my eyes open a few times, but close them again when my eyes start to tear up and my eyes roll to the back of my head. I see blue and red flashing lights through my eyelids and hear people screaming in the background. I'm not in my right mind and can't think straight about anything. I don't know what I did or what happened, but something is seriously wrong with my body.

I try to move my legs but my muscles won't cooperate and my leg doesn't move an inch. I try to swallow but immediately regret it when I feel the soreness of my throat and the cramping in my abdominal. It feels like I'm dying, and normally I would've laughed with myself for even thinking such a stupid thing, but it's a lot less funny when it actually is a possibility.

I hear someone trying to gain my attention, but I can't seem to move my mouth to talk, and I can't even open my eyes to discover who's talking to me.

So this is what it feels like to be paralyzed. I think to myself. It would've been a lot less provoking if I would actually be able to not feel a thing, instead of the immense pain I'm in.

The only thing right now I can feel is my face. And that's not a good thing since my cheeks hurt too, and my eyes feel massive. However, when I feel a warm hand stroke my cheek and put my hair behind my ear, It's kind of nice. It's comforting and pleasant, and the hand touching my face feels familiar, like I've felt this hand on my face many times before. I try to open my eyes again, but quickly close them when my eyes roll to the back of my head again and my eyes hurt even more than before. Although the reaction was small and not exactly nice for me, I immediately feel the hand of the person attached to it, untensing and relaxing. I hear a voice tell someone something in a panicking tone, but only hear it as a buzz which makes the voice unrecognizable.

I slowly start to get a little more feeling in my body, but immediately wished I had stayed totally paralyzed. My whole stomach hurts now uncontrollably, and my throat is even more sore than before if that's even possible.

My throat tries to vomit, but it looks like there's nothing left in my stomach, because only foam mixed with the sour taste of stomach acid leaves my mouth. I feel someone wiping the foam away and I am them forever thankful. Only the taste of the acid makes me want to vomit again, but it seems impossible to control anything in my body right now.

The thing where I'm laying on, which feels like a stretcher or table, shudders when it rolls over a threshold, and my head rolls to the side. I now feel the air has shifted and I'm now in a much more warmer and noisy room. I hear people screaming things from every side of me, and hear people yelling to other people.

The thing where I'm laying on, rolls into a different room, i know this because of the door shutting close, and it's immediately much more quiet and calm. I still hear people yell shit to one another, but it's less overwhelming now. Even though it's more calm and quiet here, my minds not calm at all. I can't stop thinking about what the hell is wrong with my body and what have I done. I can't remember a thing and can barely remember what my name is and who I am.

I am.. Isabella- wait what is my last name again?

I'm pretty sure I'm 18 years old. Or was it 17?

The hand which was on my face the whole time, silently reassuring me without words, is now gone, and I feel myself get more panicked by the minute.

Suddenly I feel a painful pinch on my arm, followed by a aching sting. I want to scream out in pain, not because I can't handle the pain of this little sting, but because I can handle it in combination with all the other sore and painful things in my body and because I didn't see the sting coming. But of course my body can't react like I want it too, and I just stay totally quiet, not letting anyone see what is really going on inside my head.

I now feel something that feels like a cord, attached to my arm, and wonder what it is. If my suspicions are correct, and I am in the hospital, a strange medicine is now flooding trough my veins because of the needle settled in my arm. If this is true, and there is a liquid running trough my blood, the reason I'm here must be very serious.

I try to think back about what I did before I ended up in this horrible situation, and where is was. I vaguely remember the moment of calmness before the storm, when me and Matteo were sitting at our table in the pancake diner. I also remember how insecure and scared I felt when I had to eat 3 whole blueberry pancakes all by myself. After that I remember I had that
voice in my head which told me to go throw it up. I did of course, because I'm too weak to fight against it, and went to the toilet. I threw my food up in the toilet and hated myself for giving in to that annoying voice in my head once again. What could go wrong with purging? It's not like it was the first time I've done it. However, I did notice the faint color of blood in my vomit and the faintest irritation in my throat, I didn't think much of it.

It was when all of the sudden, Matteo stood there, in the women's toilets, towering over me, that I started to get panicked and I felt a panick attack coming. While I expected Matteo to get mad at me for whatever I'd done, he did the last thing I would've expected from him. He hugged me and comforted me and told me it was okay, and I didn't need to cry because he was there. I assume I fainted after that because after that memory everything went black.

And while I'm thinking about this, I feel here and now everything slowly getting dark too, and it finally feels like my body allows me to give me a rest, and lets me fall in a dark but pleasant abyss.

                                •••

If anything about the medical stuff in this chapter is wrong, I'm very sorry I know nothing abt it and I just googled what would happen if u were in a situation like Isabella's and wrote that down.

Don't forget to drink enough water today, and eat enough and maybe something you like. If you ever have a feeling of guilt while eating, remember you deserve to eat, and you are sooo worthy! Xxx

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Love,Stella xx