Ride Or Die

safe

My head is confused and the room is spinning. The only thing I know is that I'm safe here because of Matteo hugging me right now. I take in his smell and immediately feel secured and safe. I know I'm not the only one crying, because I feel his body shake while he's silently crying in the crook of my neck. He's bend down in order for him to be able to reach me, in my laying position in a hospital bed.

I've never seen Matteo cry before. He's not the person I expected to cry, but I'm happy he's comfortable enough to do so in my arms. I've always seen him as this scary bad man, who's doesn't hesitate to shoot someone trough the head, but seeing him cry is new. Not bad new, just.. new. My heart shatters when I think about how much he must care about me to let his guard down and let himself cry with someone watching.

I didn't talk when I woke up. I don't know why, but evertime I try to, there are no words placed in my mouth. My brain isn't helping to give me the words I need, and the pain in my throat isn't making me eager to be able to talk again. However I did whisper something to Matteo earlier. I wasn't much really, it was just repeating what he had said to me, but it seemed to do it for him, because that's when he finally let the first tears, out of many, fall.

I want to reassure him, tell him it's okay, I'm okay, but no words appear in my mouth so I just stay quiet and think about the things the doctor told me earlier. He told me I needed to be connected to a feeding tube. A fucking feeding tube which just pumps 1500 calories a day into my body. That's way too much. I can't do that. I need to find a way out before they do that to me. But before then I'm just going to rest, right here with Matteo. I really didn't want him to find me of all people. I didn't want him to be the one who saw me at my lowest.

Oh God, what must he be thinking about me now?

I feel the shaking of his cries slow down, and finally come to a stop. He lifts his head and looks me into the eyes. My heart shatters all over again seeing the pained expression on his face. His cheeks are wet, and in his eyes are unshed tears visible.

"Promise me to never do that again Isabella. I don't want you to be hurt anymore, I will help you I swear on my life." He tells me. A stray tear rolls down my cheek. I can't promise him. There's no way I can go back to being the fat girl. The girl who never received piggybacks when I finally made some friends in my previous neighborhood. The girl who couldn't wear anything tight, even for her own birthday party, because she was afraid of what people would think and say about her. The girl whose birthday wish, when she blew out the candles on her birthday cake, was every year the same. To be skinny. To be loved by people because of her figure. To be beautiful.

That's why I just stare into Matteo's eyes. His gorgeous eyes. I know he knows what I'm thinking, even without words, when I see the emotion in his eyes become even sadder, even more pained. He averts his eyes from mine ans stares out the window. It looks like he has figured something out but I'm not quite sure what exactly.

"You" He stays silent for a while and I wait for him to answer. "don't want help right?" I slowly shake my head, confused as of why he's asking me this if he already knows the answer.

"Isabella, I don't know if you know but- it's not normal to do what you're doing to yourself. You aren't supposed to damage you body mi amora. It's not right." He looks at me, concern and pain in his eyes.

It looks like I've finally found my voice again, because I whisper so quiet I'm sure he didn't hear:

"I know."

I see based from his expression that he's shocked to hear me talk, but he doesn't say anything about it and I'm grateful.

"I just- I dont want to lose you." He admits and my heart melts for the man in front of me. I wish I could hug him, but my body is still attached to multiple wires, so I motion for him to come to me. He does and I bring my mouth to his ear.

"You won't. I don't want to lose you either." It hurts saying this to him because of my painful throat, but I don't care as long as I'm talking to him.

I see his expression change to one of love and I feel my face warm up and redden a bit. He obviously noticed and laughs at my shyness. After a while of just looking at eachother, I ask him to join me in the tiny small hospital bed, and to my surprise he agrees. We now are laying with two people, actually three because of Matteo's height, in a single persons hospital bed. It might not be convenient and maybe it is not the most comfortable for both of us, but I feel more safe and I can sense Matteo does too, and that's all that matters for me.

Matteo is laying his head on my shoulder and he's slowly drifting of after a full night of no sleep. I stroke his hair and whisper reassuring words in his ear as he drift of to dreamland were everything's perfect. I pray all of his dreams come true.

•••
Sorry for not updating sooner! I just enjoy writing my other bookbetter but I will try to find motivation for this one too.

If anyone has any suggestions on what they still want to see in this book, feel free to comment it here <-

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Love, Stella xx