Ride Or Die

perfect

Today's the day I will be connected to a feeding tube. The doctors said that I've had enough rest, and was ready for this sudden change. Matteo clearly wasn't fond of this idea, as he threw a whole fit, but eventually he knew that this was what needed to be done.

A nurse is cleaning my nose, and explain how this tube works, and I have to make sure to let her or any of the others nurses know if it hurts too much. It isn't supposed to hurt, but since it's inserted trough my Esophagus-which is teared because my purging habits- it might hurt a lot.

This thought isn't reassuring me at all.

The nurse doesn't tell me how much calories will be put into my stomach, but she doesn't need to. I already know because I had looked it up the moment where the doctor announced that I will be needing this medical treatment.

1500 calories.

That's how much calories will be guided through my body every minute of the day. My normal portion of food, if I ate, wasn't even close to that amount.

It makes me feel vulnerable and despondent that there is nothing I can do about it. That I have not an ounce of control over my life anymore. I gave my life choices once again to someone else, someone else who now Is able to control my life. I can't decide to skip a meal, or throw up. I can't decide to refuse a snack someone offers, and I can't even make a planning of everything I'm eating and counting the calories of it.

I think Matteo knows I feel this way, because he keeps staring at me. Normally in this situation I would despise someone just staring at me like I'm some weird creature, but with Matteo I don't. Maybe because he isn't staring at me like that. No, he's not staring at me like I'm abnormal and like I'm different, instead he's staring at me with so much admiration and... love? I can't be too sure.

He looks at me reassuring as he sees my panick starting to overwhelm me. He reassures me, even without words by just looking at me with that expression in his eyes. Like he's telling me everything's going to turn out okay.

And I believe him.

I look at my beautiful girl, and see nothing but perfection. And my view on perfection might not be the same as other people's, but it's enough for me.

Other people's 'perfect' is a girl with not a gram of fat visible on their body. A flat stomach and a tight ass is required. No fat on any place on their body, except on their ass, but it must be combined with a lot of muscle. Too much muscle on a woman is not feminine, but when fat appears they should be dieting until they lose it again. Bigger thighs are a no go, but on the other hand a big ass is necessary. When a woman has fat rolls on their stomach, or cellulite they immediately don't fit into the 'perfect beauty standards'. Skinny arms, and visible collarbones, that's what is fitting in that beauty standard.
A woman should be changing her whole appearance, just for the validation of other human beings. And that's exactly what Isabella did which wasn't necessary at all.

She maybe isn't perfect for all those narcissists, but in my eyes- and not only mine- she's the girl who's the closest to perfect.

Yes, she may have some fat rolls on her stomach when she sits down, and her thighs may not be the tiniest. Cellulite is visible on her thighs, and her ass is not the 'perfect' size it should be according to those beauty standards.

But yet, how I see her she still is perfect even though she isn't filling up to those beauty standards.

She's perfect the way she is, and there's nothing that could change that. If she gains weight, so what? It won't make her any less beautiful than she is, and so what if her thighs thicken or her cellulite multiples? She'll still be the same person, so she'll still be the most perfect woman in the whole world for me.

Even when she's sitting right there in front of me, the most scared she's ever been in her life because she feels like she won't have any control over it anymore, she's still the most breathtaking human being I've ever laid eyes on.

I know she's scared of this feeding tube thing, and she has every right to be. It must be scary to get used to such a sudden change, and not being able to control her eating patern. I wish it was any different, but I know that she needs this to be healthy again. Even if that means she has to do something she is scared of doing.

The nurses are now positioning the feeding tube through her nose and Esophagus, into her stomach where all the vitamins she needs will be pumped into her all day long.

I make sure to hold the eye contact between us, because I know she needs it right now. I know I somehow make her feel save, so I will do anything needed to keep it like that.

The feeding tube is now placed into her body, and I can see the look of uncomfort in her eyes. Her throat probably still hurts after her Esophagus got teared, and this tube won't make it heal any better. The doctor however said that she needs to be connected to this feeding tube as soon as possible, because right now her body doesn't have enough reserves to heal itself.

I walk to the girl who now Is sitting alone in her bed without a nurse next to her, and I can basically feel her dignity lessen by the minute.

She opens her mouth to say something, probably something bad about her appearance or body, but I beat her to it.

"You're perfect Cara mia."

•••
This chapter is basically a chapter to normalize the feminine body. Almost all of the stories I've read on wattpad is about a short girl with a skinny waist, a perfect ass, and just a perfect body overall. I wanted to normalize our bodies, the way they are because I think it's sad every feminine main character on here is always perfect.

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Lots of love, Stella xx