Ride Or Die

scared

                           Isabella

On the ride to the hospital, I don't dare day anything about what had just happened. I feel ashamed and pathetic, showing that side of me so easily to Matteo.

I didn't want to react the way I did, but it just happened and I had no control over my reaction.

It felt like my body had its own mind, and decided to ignore everything my brain told me.

When I woke up, after I fell asleep in Matteo's arms like a baby, I didn't say a thing. Matteo was too afraid to ask about why had happened, so we both stayed quiet, except for the random questions Matteo asks me to try and start a conversation. I don't make it easy for him, because I just answer with a nod or a shake of my head, feeling too embarrassed and vulnerable in front of him now.

On the drive to the hospital he asks me things like what I think about the weather and stupid things like that.

I don't answer and wait until he asks me something I can answer on with gestures.

I feel kinda bad for him, because I know he really is trying, but I just can't bring myself to actually talk to him at this moment.

When we arrive at the hospital, and we start walking to my room, I feel the tiredness hit me like a wave taking me under.

Even though I've just slept, I can already feel my eyes closing in on themselves.

As I enter the room, I quickly throw on my pajama, not caring about if Matteo sees me naked or not, and crawl under my thick duvet.

Matteo doesn't join me.

                           Matteo

I don't know why she reacted that way, and I don't know what to do now.

First, I assumed she reacted that way because I know what she's been through, and I know that she's been trough it twice. Then, I remembered what it was like the second time it happened, and I can't help but feel a strangeness take over me. I can't help but have a gut feeling she didn't panick because of either of those two things.

I just can't put my finger on what did make her panick.

I debated on just asking her, but I knew it would be an once again heavy subject, and I don't know if she can handle that at this moment.

My assumption seem correct when she doesn't answer my questions everytime I try to start a conversation. She doesn't answer with words, but uses non-verbal responses.

After a while I give up, knowing she needs some space tight now.

That's why, when she gets under her duvets in the hospital, I don't get in next to her like I did the previous days.

If she needs space without me being in her space bubble all the time, I will give it to her.

She gets in her bed and her soft snores almost immediately fill the room.

I didn't think this through, because where will I sleep now?

There's no other bed, nor a sofa or a couch in this room, and I won't sneak into the bed with her, in fear of startling or scaring her.

I could ask the doctor for another room for me, maybe next to this one, but I know she will be even more scared when she wakes up and realizes I'm gone.

I don't want to scare her any further.

I pick up the thin blanket I brought with me when she was cold, and I put the only chair in the room as close as possible to her bed. The chair is really uncomfortable might I add, with its wooden surface which makes a creaking noise evertime I move, but there's no other solution at this moment, and I can handle this for one night. I do hope Isabella will give me a verbal or written permission to sleep with her tomorrow night, or otherwise my back will take the effort.

I hang as much back in the chair as I can without it flipping over, and cover my body with the blanket. It's too small, and my right leg is sticking out, but it's not too cold in here, and the blanket fails to bring me lots of warmth anyway.

I close my eyes lightly and think about the reasons why Isabella could become so scared all of a sudden.

Did she grow up in an abusive household?

I'm almost sure that's not the case, since her mother left her almost immediately after she was born, and I know her father. He can be strict and sometimes annoying I assume, but I also know he loves Isabella dearly, and won't let anything actually happen to her.

Maybe she wasn't ready?

I have no idea about her past relationships, but if she had none, she's still a virgin so that would make sense.

I don't count the forced actions that happened to her, since she didn't give permission, so she didn't choose to lose her virginity.

Although, if she would be still a virgin, she wouldn't be so good at kissing me and making my heart go crazy.

Her reaction was more startled though, not like she wasn't ready. Besides, I assume she knows she can just tell me if she isn't.

No, it lays somewhere way deeper.

I try to remember the exact moment she panicked.

It was when I had called her 'baby'.

Maybe she just didn't like the nickname?

Then again, there must be something more behind it, and I have to figure out what so I can help her.

Maybe she felt trapped under my body which completely covered hers?

I hope she knows I would never do a thing to her, but maybe she didn't know that.

What if she was scared of me, and refused to talk to me because of that exact reason?

Did I scare her?

That definitely wasn't my intention. I actually would wish for her to be never scared of anything in her life anymore, and it's possible I was the whole reason she was scared.

My eyes start to slowly close as I'm thinking about what I could've possibly done to make her feel scared or uncomfortable.

Should I have asked for permission sooner?

I almost fall asleep with these doubts when I hear the girl in front of me silently whispers a word.

I hang my head closer to her mouth and now hear the word more clearly as she repeats it.

"Matteo" she whispers in her sleep, and a smile appears on my face in the tone she says my name.

Because she isn't saying it in a scared or terrified voice, no, she says it in a tone as if she's asking for me. To hear, feel, or see me.

So I carefully pick up her hand, awaiting her reaction, and thread our fingers in eachother when she doesn't stir or flinches.

Then my eyes finally fall shut.

                            •••
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