Ride Or Die

proud

It feels as if my heart is melting. As if it's crumbeling in the tiniest pieces-in the best way possible- and desolving again in one whole. As if it's giving a piece of itself to the boy in front of me, smiling to me reassuring.

Matteo gave me a gift. A gift. I've never received a gift before. Sure, I got things and stuff from my dad, but I never got an actual gift. I never had much friends growing up, not being allowed to go to a normal school like the other kids and instead being homeschooled, so I never made a big deal out of my birthday or something because I didn't have anyone to celebrate it with.

Yes, we did celebrate Christmas and New year's Eve with the whole family, but it was mostly just business that was talked about and it was not doing something like secret Santa or putting gifts under a tree full of lights. Most of the times it was just the adults talking about 'work' while the kids 'played' with eachother, however I never got to play along because I had only male cousins and they said I couldn't join them because I was just a girl. I couldn't climb in the trees with them, I couldn't make a Lego castle with them, and I wasn't even allowed to play a silly game with them like hide and seek. It was only until Matteo joined the family that I had a play buddy. I remember we used to play together when I was 7, but after that age I just started hating him, and I don't really know why. Maybe he'd changed after, because the Matteo I knew before this whole marriage, was snobby and arrogant and everything except nice.

Now he's just.. different. In a good way of course. I never asked him why he became so arrogant and selfish, but I won't just yet because it may be a sensitive topic to talk about.

This boy who once was snobby arrogant and everything except nice, is now standing in front of me with flowers and chocolate in his arms, all for me. He even customized the chocolate heart, so 'for my perfect girl' is written on it. And all for me. A gift for me. And I'm not only talking about the chocolate and the flowers.

However I want to tell him he's wrong. I'm nowhere near perfect. I have belly rolls on my stomach, I have cellulite on my upper thighs- which are also not skinny- and my skin is not even close to clear. But it looks like he doesn't see my imperfections, and he sees past all those things. Or maybe he doesn't care about all those things. Maybe he even likes an imperfect woman.

It's either way, but I'm not perfect. He was wrong, but I won't tell him that changing to those depressive subjects.

Instead I just smile, a real one which is a long time ago since that last happened, and thank him infinite times for all these presents that I don't deserve at all. I only caused problems for him and for everyone around me. With everyone, I mean the doctors and nurses, because I don't even think my dad knows or cares I'm in the hospital.

I take over the gifts from Matteo and put them both on the bedside table next to my hospital bed.

"Aren't you going to taste the chocolate?" He asks me nervously.

I hesitate but eventually pick up the chocolate. I take the heart out of its box and hold it in front of my face. It's almost too pretty to destroy by eating it, but I see Matteo looking at me expectantly, so I decide I need to do this, if it's not for me than it's for him.

I stare at the chocolate debating if I should do it.

You know chocolate makes you fat right?

You're going to gain all those kilograms you finally lost all back.

You're weak.

If you eat this you're not actually sick. You're just trying to seek for attention.

"Can you talk to me?" I blurt out. It always helps if someone is talking to me so I don't focus on the food I'm consuming.

"Uh.. y-yeah sure. What should I talk about?" He asks me.

"It doesn't matter talk about whatever." I tell him honestly. I want to know more about his life.

"Okay so- uh" He thinks for a second before an idea seems to pop up in his head.

"So you know I own a bar right? As cover up and everything?" I nod my head. I've never been there but I know he owns it and it's called "la serpiente venenosa" which is "the poisonous snake" in English, and it's a pretty popular bar, for younger people. For people my age.

"So a week ago, Spencer, who's one of the bartenders, had to serve 4 shots of tequila to a couple of girls." I slowly start nibbling the chocolate and it tastes amazing. "He poured in the shots and they were all ready, and he went to serve them to the girls, when Amanda, a woman who is also a bartender" I feel a stinging feeling of jealousy but continue listening to the story, while eating the delicious chocolate. "called him back to ask him something. When he went to the back another bartender named Jayco, thought the shots were for another table so he switched the tequila shots, with gin shots, and you can't see the difference between the two. When Spencer arrived back to the plate with the shots on he didn't suspect any difference, so he brought the shots of tequila-which were secretly gin- to the table full of girls. When they got the shots and payed for them they all downed one and Spencer was going to walk back to the bar, when one of the girls got raging mad because she wanted tequila and not gin. So she threw a full glass of water over Spencer's head. He was completely soaked!" He finishes with a amused expression on his face thinking back at the memory.

I laugh out loud, and his expression only grows more amused.

When I finished laughing, I look down at the place we're the heart once layed, and see it's gone. I've eaten it all.

"I'm so proud of you Isabella." Matteo whispers to me while stroking the fallen locks of hair behind my ear.

And that's when I realise that this boy was the first who could make me eat without feeling guilty.

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Love, Stella xx