proud// 5SOS

9

Calum

I knew it had been a while but I was not used to not being Esme's first point of contact when she needed support. Don't get me wrong, I was extremely happy she had Link, and it made sense, but it was another reminder of how this had all changed.

We were missing a whole year together and it showed. Our love was the same, but neither of us were the person the other loved beforehand- we had to relearn about each other. Learning about your teenage daughter was already a hard enough task when you saw her everyday.

"I did not mean to bait you out, I am sorry," Luke said.

"Nah, it's okay, better out than in," I said, "I don't think that is why she is upset. It's all a bit weird... she missed out on a lot. I am gutted I have missed out on her having all these school experiences,"

"We will all go to watch her cheer on Friday, promise. The more time you both spend together the easier it will get,"

"It sounds like her life got better while I wasn't there,"

"That is absolutely not true, mate,"

"I didn't think this would be so hard for us,"

"You didn't know this was all coming, and I think you will have a new journey getting to know her again. It's not an easy one but she has so many passions for you to support, and get involved in,"

"And she is gonna need her dad sometimes," Ashton said.

"All the time," Michael laughed, "You've got this man, she's still your lovebug,"

I nodded and picked up my drink, taking a few sips. Esme came back in and I smiled, then she curled up next to me and nestled her head into my arm.

"How about we play a board game?" I said.

"I think I just wanna order pizza and watch a movie,"

"That sounds good to me," Luke said, "What kind of film?"

"What if I made you all watch a cheesy rom com?"

She giggled, but none of us were opposed to that, so we put the tv on and she chose one. We ordered pizza, then put it on, her hand holding mine. Her hands always used to be rough from doing the gymnastics bar, but they were soft now. I was devastated when she had to give that up by moving to her mum's. I was glad that cheer was an option, as I was sure she was amazing at it, and got to carry on something similar.

When the pizza came, we laid them out on the table, but she went and got a plate and stacked it with pizza. I didn't think someone so small could eat so much, but I was wrong. Devoured was probably the right word. I thought perhaps she hadn't been eating much, as she was very short still, and much more slim than when I last saw her, but perhaps her boyfriend had influenced her appetite. I expected the pair of them had plenty of fun when they went to that diner.

When the film ended, she decided to go to the other sofa and rest on Ashton, admiring how Luke had his own engagement ring.

"Link already knows what ring I want,"

"Don't be getting proposed to soon,"

"I won't be,"

"He could afford it though," I said, "Rich as fuck,"

"Oh yeah. He buys me coffee every single morning,"

"He sounds like a keeper,"

"He is the best. I don't have to lift a finger,"

"That is what we like to hear,"

"He is gonna love you guys. I love you guys,"

Smiling, she leant into Ashton and went on her phone, making him look up at me and smile. Her uncles had always been her favourite people in the world. They came to everything they could get to.

"What are all these bruises from?"

"Cheer. We aren't a crazy good team by the way, when you come. Don't expect amazingness,"

"I am sure it will be brilliant," Ash said, gently stroking the bruise on her arm, "Big fall,"

"It was from cheer. Ask any of them. Well, maybe don't because they do get upset when they drop me. Ask Clara,"

"I believe you,"

"No you don't," she said, still not looking up from bee phone, "She didn't touch me. No slaps, no hugs, nothing,"

"I do believe you,"

"I might go up to bed now,"

The way she got so snappy about it all made me anxious, but we let her go, and stayed downstairs until we reckoned she would be ready. One by one, they said goodnight, then they all went home so I went up to her room.

She was laid cuddling the toy I had got her when she was a baby. She wasn't an easy baby. Anything and everything upset her, and it took a while for her to meet her milestones. Throughout her whole childhood she was kind of the kid who was a little behind- enthusiastic, but behind. I didn't care, I was so proud of her no matter what, but I was incredibly surprised she did all that she did right now without being burnt out.

In fact, I think she had burnt herself out.

"They have gone,"

"Okay,"

"Are you gonna sleep?"

"I miss Link,"

My heart sank.

"Can he come and sleep?" I asked.

But I wasn't gonna let that make me selfish.

"For real?"

"Ask him,"

"Thank you, dad,"

"You know all I ever want is for you to be happy," I said, putting my hand over hers, "If you fall asleep I will let him in,"

"Thank you,"

"I think we need to talk tomorrow. Link needs to go after lunch,"

"I don't wanna talk. You said when I am ready,"

"Yeah, I know, but if you can't sleep then I am worried. We can lay all our feelings out on the table,"

"I can't sleep because I usually sleep with Link,"

"We need to talk,"

"I have nothing to say,"

"You know we can't ever argue successfully,"

"Fine,"

"I love you,"

"I love you too, dad,"

She hugged me, and it still felt kind of awkwardly put together, but we both needed our hugs. It felt like this was worse than when she was 13, and I was the evil dad who didn't understand anything.

"I'm sorry," she sniffed.

"What for?"

"I dunno,"

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," I said, feeling myself choke up, "Okay? Nothing at all,"

"Okay,"

"You are still my precious angel,"

I rested my forehead on hers, both of us crying. Whether I was for the same reason, I wasn't sure- I felt so defeated, and useless as a dad. She had been through shit and I hadn't been able to protect her. We left to get away from her mum and she ended up right in the middle of it. My worst nightmare had always been that she would be taken.

And it came true.
So I guess we had both been pretty fucked up.