proud// 5SOS

17

Calum

The tears would not stop coming. I lost my lovebug that day, and what if I never got her back?

I had been depressed. Really, really depressed when she left. I never really got back on my feet, I just had enough community to keep me afloat. Having Esmerelda home was meant to make it all better again, and it wasn't.

She wasn't happy. I didn't know how to make her happy. We used to be two peas in a pod and they ripped us apart.

I was trying my best to cry quietly because this wasn't her fault, and I was extremely grateful she had her own community, and managed to change her life for the better given the circumstances. I was never good at watching her grow up, so missing this chunk of her life was... it was hard.

I went to the bathroom and got myself some tissue, then took myself downstairs and rang Ashton, sitting at the kitchen table. Having Esme here, but feeling like she wasn't, was even harder.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Ash,"

"You don't sound well. Are you sick?"

"No. Just crying,"

"What's up mate?"

"Esme. This is all a shitshow,"

"I am sure it isn't,"

"It is. This is a shitshow. She hates me, she hates it here. I am really struggling, Ash,"

"Alright. I am gonna come over, get the kettle on ready,"

"Okay,"

"Stop crying you! It is gonna be alright. Promise,"

"Okay. See you in a few,"

I ended the call and put the kettle on, making us both a drink. When he got here, I let him in and he gave me a tight hug, then we got the drinks and sat on the sofa.

"Tell me what's happened,"

"She doesn't wanna be here. I don't know how to make her feel better about it. I kept her room ready, and I am trying my best to slot into the life she has now and she doesn't wanna be here. She was better without me,"

"Now that is definitely not true,"

"It is," I cried.

"No it is not. I guarantee she does want to be here, but things are just a little bit strange. Imagine being away from somewhere for a whole year,"

"But I kept everything the same,"

"I know, but she didn't stay the same,"

"I feel like she hates me,"

"She doesn't hate you,"

"I feel really low again, Ash,"

"Well I am gonna stay until you feel better. I'll give you some help round here,"

"You don't have to,"

"I already have a bag,"

There was a knock at the living room door and Ash looked at me, then called Esme in, who was equally as teary eyed.

"I don't hate you,"

"I shouldn't have said that," I whispered, wiping my face. My hands were shaking. I had been trying to swallow the feeling of dread within me but it was uncontainable. All I had wanted was my girl back, and it wasn't how I imagined. I knew I shouldn't have such grand expectations but I did think she would be attached to me by the hip instead of pushing me away.

"I got upset today because I am scared. All I have wanted was my dad back, and now it is real I am scared, and everything has changed,"

"Come here," Ashton said, having her hug his side so he could squeeze her tightly, "Both of you are feeling the same way. This is scary,"

"I got scared when you acted like a dad because I haven't had that feeling in so long. I thought you were just keeping me from Link but I know you were only being a dad,"

"I'm trying to be a chill dad,"

"I know. I want you to be normal dad,"

"I think you might get a bit annoyed at me,"

She shook her head and leant across to me, sniffling into my chest.

"It is a shitshow but it's both of us,"

"Well, Uncle Ash is gonna stick around for a little bit and help out because I am struggling a bit, and maybe we can make it not a shitshow,"

"I can help with chores, he doesn't have to stay,"

"It's not about chores," I said quietly, brushing the hair from her face, "He won't get in your way,"

"What is it about?"

"When you were gone, I got really, really sad. I think I am still struggling a bit with everything. I will be okay!"

"Okay. I am sorry,"

"It's not your fault,"

Gently, I wiped the tears off her face and she gave me a small smile, playing with my ring.

"Maybe we can go swimming,"

"We don't have to go swimming if you don't like it,"

"Okay, yeah, maybe not swimming,"

"Whatever you want,"

"I know I was acting a hit more fine the past few days. Sorry if I have confused you,"

"The newness of it all is wearing off, we are bound to feel a bit unusual. Why don't you head up to bed now, okay? And tomorrow you have school, and the diner, and Link will come back with you,"

"Yeah, okay,"

"I think his dad mentioned a barbecue this weekend, maybe we can go, all your uncles too,"

She nodded, and kissed my cheek, then hugged Ashton tightly too and went upstairs. He gave me a sympathetic smile, then hugged me too, and pat my shoulder.

"Feeling a bit better?"

"A little bit,"

"Good, I think she is tired, and you are too. Tiredness never goes well with anything,"