proud// 5SOS

15

Esme

"You haven't drank much of this?" Link said, carrying my coffee out of class

"Sorry,"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Wasn't feeling coffee today,"

"What's up?"

"Nothing,"

"Don't lie to me. I see right through," he said, smiling a little, "Come on,"

"It's just my dad. He doesn't understand me anymore,"

"Because you can't sleep over?"

"Yeah!"

"He's probably right,"

"Why?"

"You should get used to living with him again. You wanted this for ages,"

"You're meant to be on my side, Link,"

"I am. I get it's scary,"-

"I am not scared of living with dad,"

"I'm not saying that,"

"You just said scary,"

"Yes but,"-

"I am gonna find Clara,"

"Ez,"

I walked off, ignoring the stares a few people gave me. I didn't actually know where Clara was, so I went to the bathroom and texted her to come, then waited.

This was new. For obvious reasons, Link was always on my side when it came to my mum. I expected him to be on my side about my dad too. It wasn't like I hated my dad and wanted everyone to resent him, but he was changing things and I didn't like it, and I thought Link wouldn't either.

Did he not want me to sleep over? What if all of this had put him off me?

"You look miserable,"

"Link is siding with my dad,"

"What about?"

"He said we can't sleep at each other's on a school night,"

"Damn. I'm sorry,"

"And Link was trying to tell me I am just getting scared of living with my dad,"

She twisted her lip and I scoffed, rolling my watery eyes.

"I am not scared,"

"Not even a teensey bit?" she said, making a small gap between her fingers, "I would be. If everything had changed, I would be,"

"Nothing has changed,"

"Maybe the change is more for your dad, yeah, but it is gonna change because if you have changed then he has to change,"

"Stop saying the word change,"

"Okay. Look, all I am saying is you weren't the popular cheerleading, theatre kid with a boyfriend last time he knew you,"

"And?"

"So he doesn't know what to do! That rule is him trying to be a dad, and I know it sucks, but Jay and I can't sleep over on weekdays either. He probably wants to spend time with you,"

"I don't need rules, I have managed without a parent,"

"No you haven't. You have wanted to go back to your dad's this whole time, and I don't think Link meant you were scared, I think he meant this is daunting. You got what you wanted, but that doesn't mean it's easy or perfect. You do need your dad,"

"I think I am gonna sit in the office for a bit,"

"Okay," she said, looping arms, "Then me too,"

She followed me there, and we sat on the beanbags, Clara letting me rest on her side. The counsellor asked if I wanted to talk but I didn't, then they left me alone. Email privileges I guessed.

Not understanding my emotions was pretty difficult. It used to happen all the time, and dad really helped me out with it all, but when I got taken away I guessed I just got too busy to notice feeling negative. Now I was back with him, but it was all different and I didn't know how to talk to him.

I knew I should just let him into my life but I didn't want things to change and they already were. I lost some freedom going back to his, and I knew that was gonna be good in the long run but I had gone through enough change, I didn't want even more.

Dad clearly felt out of practice, I could tell he was hesitant to act like my dad again and it was my fault but I dunno- it was confusing. Maybe I did want him to just act like my dad and be strict and make stupid rules because he loved me, and maybe this was all a freak out purely because he loved me and I wasn't used to that feeling anymore.

I was mad, but all I wanted to do was go home and have a hug.

Clara was the best, she had always been a shoulder to cry on. Jay was always there for me too, and I knew I needed to apologise to Link, but I also knew none of them would understand all this. That was something I was thankful for, as I would rather take all the pain for my friends because they were so amazing, but it sucked for me.

I dunno. I felt a lot like 'I dunno' right now.

"Fresh coffee, and an almond croissant,"

I looked up at Link and smiled, my eyes following as he crouched down to meet us on the floor. Clara kissed my cheek and picked up her bag, then ruffled Link's hair and left. They had been best friends forever.

"Thank you. I am really sorry,"

"It's okay,"

"This isn't quite as amazing as I thought it would feel,"

"That's a bummer," he said, "But from the outside looking in, it is definitely not an easy situation,"

"Thanks sherlock,"

"You know what I meant,"

I leant into his side and let him engulf me with his arms, nibbling on my croissant as my lip wobbled. It was a pathetic sight.

"You were right. I think I am scared,"

"And that is okay,"

"He used to be my best friend,"

"I think he still is,"

"Maybe,"

"He is definitely looking out for you. We can have sleepovers all weekend too,"

"Don't call them sleepovers,"

He laughed, gently stroking my arm as I sat in my sorrows for a bit. I finished the croissant; then held the coffee with both hands, closing my eyes.

"Does your head hurt?"

"Yeah,"

"I thought it might. Here are painkillers. Let me fix your makeup,"

I took them, then sat as he pat some concealer onto my under eyes, and redid my mascara. Thank god for spare makeup in his car, but he really made me a princess doing to for me. Nobody understood quite how much Link meant to me.

"We still have time to go to the canteen for some more food?"

"Yeah, okay,"

"Am I taking you home today?"

"I think my dad is coming,"

"Okay. Still wait for me after rehearsal so I can see you, I wanna make sure you're okay,"