proud// 5SOS

29

Esme

"I'm home!" I heard dad say, before running upstairs, "How are you doing? I am so sorry, lovebug, I feel terrible,"

"I'm okay,"

"Yeah? Is Link staying over?"

"Yeah,"

"Alright. I am so sorry,"

He hugged me tightly, his hand on the back of my head. I heard him curse himself under his breath, which upset me, because he wasn't a bad dad for this. He was a working dad, not a bad dad.

"I am okay,"

"Cal, why don't I go and start cooking? What shall I do?"

"You don't have to, Link,"

"Chop peppers?"

"Yeah... thank you," dad said, finally letting go of me to sit on my bed, "Michael called me. I am so sorry I couldn't be there. You are so brave,"

"It's fine, dad,"

"I wish I could take this all off you. Oh sweetheart,"

He cupped my cheeks and looked at me, chewing his lip, which was already chewed to bits.

"Just a few more days of sleep and painkillers and I will be fine,"

"I feel like coming home has been so rubbish for you,"

"We have our fresh start, remember?"

"Yeah and that became a bloody root canal, again!"

"And I survived,"

He stopped chewing his lip and I wrapped my arms round his neck, closing my eyes. I wasn't gonna let on how desperate it had been for his hug all day.

"Michael said you were really upset. You seem really anxious lately,"

"Well duh,"

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No,"

"To anyone?"

"No,"

"Alright... I will go and relieve Link of kitchen duties,"

He kissed my forehead and left, so I tucked myself back into bed and waited for Link to climb in with me. I loved being the little spoon, especially because I was extra little compared to him, so I did slot right into his side, and he could always hold me tightly.

Usually I didn't care much about his breathing, but it did overstimulate me a bit so I moved, and he instead kissed the back of my neck a few times, then shuffled up so his head was above mine.

"Are you sure your family don't want you home?" I asked.

"They're fine,"

"Promise me you will go back tomorrow and spend the weekend with your sisters,"

"I promise,"

"Good. I am really grateful for you though, especially the last few weeks,"

"I've got your back,"

"I feel so embarrassed about earlier,"

"Don't be. You needed someone to hold your hand. I would've needed you to hold my hand!"

"I swear you were made in some super human boyfriend factory,"

"That's just us being soulmates,"

"We definitely are. I can't wait to marry you,"

"I can't wait to propose,"

I giggled, then we fell into silence, his thumb brushing my hand.

"Ez... do you think you would talk to someone about feeling anxious?"

"No. Why?"

"I think, or I have noticed, you have been a lot more upset and anxious since you moved in with me, and even more since moving here. I don't want you to have to feel like that all the time,"

"I will be fine,"

"It is okay to talk to someone,"

"I know,"

"Everyone will love you the same," he said, hugging me a bit tighter, "And I would come and drop you off, and sit in the waiting room, and take you home,"

I shook my head, but felt myself tearing up.

"You are so, so strong... but everything that has happened, that has got to be a lot of weight to carry. Your dad, and Michael, they don't even know the half of it and they have still picked up on it. Please believe me when I say that if they knew everything, you would not even get the choice, so I think you should take it while you can,"

"I am not going. I will be fine,"

"She let that man,"-

"Link,"

"Into your house,"

"I am not going to therapy,"

"She pointed a,"-

"She was cooking with it,"

"Cooking with it my arse. Your mum never picked up a knife to cook,"

"Link you are making me really uncomfortable right now,"

"Then you need to talk to someone. I don't want you to carry this anymore,"

My tear dropped onto his arm and he propped himself up to see me, his hair flopping either side of his face.

"Even if it just stays between you and me," he said quietly, "It's okay. You don't need to be ashamed, and I know it is scary but I promise it makes it better,"

"You can't promise that," I said, letting him dry my cheeks.

"I guess not, but it worked for me,"

"What?"

"It worked for me,"

I watched his own eyes fill with water, and furrowed my eyebrows, silently breathing as he basically held himself above me, trying to articulate his thoughts. Slowly, he lowered down and I rolled onto my side to look at him, cupping his cheek.

"A few years ago, I was dealing with horrendous anxiety. I couldn't leave the house somedays, I couldn't go to school, I even struggled to hang out with Jay. I spoke to someone, and I never mentioned it because I am meant to be some really confident charming guy, but I shouldn't be embarrassed. Like, I went to therapy. Hell yeah I did,"

"That is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are really strong,"

"I know," he said softly, "And so are you,"

"Okay," I whispered, sniffling, "Just between me and you,"

He put his pinky out, and we locked it, then he gave me a kiss and hugged me tightly.

"I love you. I know how badly you wanted to come home, and it is absolutely killing me to watch it kill you,"