Air Conditioning

Gaps

There are gaps,
In life, in memory,
Places where people squeeeeze into them and fill them for you,
Little things you could never smooth over on your own.

Like finding someone to do an activity,
Something you don't want to do alone.
Wether you realize it or not,
There are people that come to mind for each thing.

Going out for food,
Going thrifting,
Needing a ride to work,
Drawing,
Playing video games,
Listening to music.

You filled in a lot of those gaps, and I find some days I struggle to think of anyone else's name to smooth them out.

I reconnected with A again (I know, for the millionth time, right?) and she told me she was in love.

She said she found the one, the future father of her children, and I was happy for her.

Within a few weeks of us talking regularly, she found out he cheated on her.

It's hard to tell her all the things she used to tell me, way back when. It's hard to relive old memories through her, to feel her tears burn into my scars and some fresher wounds.

It stings, those memories, and it stings with guilt and sorrow, too.

She could "fill" the damaged wounds ripping you out of me left behind, but it isn't and never will be the same.

I work in transport, and I drive all over the west Houston area,

Sugarland, Katy, the Woodlands, and more,

But sometimes I drive to the inner city.

The first time, I felt my chest squeeze, hard,

So many people, is one of them you?

I don't even know if you ever venture off campus, but knowing you, you wouldn't be able to resist the pull of new things and experiences.

Kind of like me.

I never thought I would yearn in my heart of hearts to visit places in Houston, to do things out there and experience new things, see new places-

But I do, now. I've passed by so many interesting places and things in the city when driving that ambulance, and it's like a pull. A magnetism.

I feel the ghost of you at my side, sometimes, trying new things with me,

I see your smile in my mind.

I know you're not there, that you never will be,

But maybe you get a feeling, a peace, when I feel your spirit with me. I would have no way of knowing.

I'm glad you have cats to keep you company. They do a good job of it, I hear?

They have their moments, of course. We all do though.

I'm running out of things to say,
Besides the obvious things you already know.

I got into UTA.

One step at a time, even if it hurts, right?