𝕋𝕣𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕖𝕕 ~Amazing Digital Circus x Reader~

Memories

TW: There are depressed thoughts and mentions of ending one's life. If you don't like those topics, then you've been warned!

I woke up soon after, my head was still killing me. I just want to make it stop. Nobody seemed to stop by to check in on me, besides Caine this morning. It made me wonder: did they even care about me?

I knew they did, but something was nagging at me in the back of the skull. I mean, maybe they were happier when I wasn't here. I wouldn't know. But sometimes, I feel like I want to die. I want to go back to my old life. Regardless of the lies I've been telling myself and the others, they can't convince me that this hell is better than my original hell. I don't even feel alive, I just feel...nothing.

I've always had depression, I reckon. Though, all of the memories are fuzzy at this point. I can barely grasp any sense of reality anymore, and I hate it. I'm tired of lying to the others, my "friends," acting like an obvious person who's unfortunately stumbled in this hellish environment.

Sure, I want to make them happy, that's my given goal. Even in my old life. But, like, can I at least say goodbye to my old family? My old friends? It hurts. It burns.

I don't want to be here anymore. This pounding head ache is starting to become unbearable. Tears were flooding down my face. I'm sick and tired of everything around me. I just want to go home. And home isn't here.

I closed my eyes, letting the tears stain my pale cheeks. Letting my eyes become bloodshot red. Letting my body feel numb. Letting my body drift away into the dark abyss of depression that I've been trying to avoid all along.

I can't lie to myself anymore. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!!! I didn't want to fall into depression, since I have a higher chance of abstraction. I didn't want that either. That's equivalent to eternal pain. That's even worse. What DO I want anymore?!

I don't know. I don't know. I...don't...know. Maybe I just want to die. Or at least, not be here. I wish I could remember the faces of my family that I abandoned. They loved me. That's all I remember. And now they've lost their daughter. They're probably worried sick about me. I wish I could remember their face, or even their voice. I don't remember anything.

I wish I could remember my siblings, and how they laughed at my jokes. Or Christmas, the time where I gave my siblings gifts. I don't remember anything...why...why can't I remember anything?!

They'd be so disappointed in me. Their daughter and sister--who can't even remember them anymore. I...I can't...I can't live like this anymore. I wish they knew my pain. I wish my family and friends knew where I was. Expect the unexpected. I've been told that millions of times. By who? I can't remember anymore. But it was by somebody I used to know...I just don't remember who.

There was a knock on my door. NOW of all times?? I didn't respond.

"Y/N? Are you in there?" Ragatha's voice asked. I didn't respond. My door was unlocked. If she needed me, she'd open it herself. I wiped my tears on my sleeve and sat up as much as I could, waiting for her to open the door. After a few seconds, she opened it. She took a sigh of relief. Why does everybody think I'm going to abstract? I'm FINE!

"Y/N, are you okay?" Ragatha wondered. I shrugged.

"I'm...fine..." I muttered. My voice still sounded very hoarse, but it was better than this morning, since I can finally make comprehensible words.

"Alright...do you need anything? We're having dinner now, if you want me to bring you some."

I shake my head. "No tha...nks. I'm...no...t...hun...gry..."

"Okay. Just tell me when you need anything. Okay?"

"Okay..."

With that, Ragatha closed the door. I was left alone. With my own damning thoughts.

~~~

I love how I did this chapter, even if it's depressing lol. I'm going through my own mental health right now (as you can tell) so I'm taking it out on this poor main character :> But yeah-- I'm dark sometimes lmao. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! Have an amazing rest of your day <3

-Sincerely, CB