Reese

Chapter 25 - I Am Determined

Reese’s P.O.V

Monday 15th March 2013

Dear Diary,

This is weird, I’ve never really kept a diary before. I swear usually it’s little girls who own diaries, not seventeen year old women!

Hah, women… It sounds really mature to be called that, almost boring. I think I’ll just be known as a girl all my life. Except when it’s in arguments, being called a girl in arguments make me feel little and helpless.

So, it’s been a month since Mark ‘forbid’ me to have any contact with Liam whatsoever. He still hasn’t given me my phone back… but he gives it to me willingly when I get calls from anyone other than Liam. He hesitates and doesn’t like it when I talk to the boys, but I say I’ll walk out on him if he doesn’t let me speak to them. I still hate Mark, in fact sometimes I wish it was him I stabbed instead of myself.

I hate to admit it though… but, there are... feelings resurfacing for the boy. It would a huge exaggeration to say I fancy Mark, but, I can’t deny it, there is something there. Maybe it’s just that I care for his well-being. He still tells everyone we meet or talk to that we’re ‘together’, which we aren’t. I tend to ignore it now, he doesn’t force me to kiss him anymore, the most it ever comes to is holding hands. But when we’re at his house, away from the public eye, we’re just friends… Well, maybe not even that.

I know he likes the fact that I stay here with him, whether it’s because he likes the media attention or actually likes my company.

And yes, I still get media attention even though Liam and I broke up almost two months ago. Actually, while I think about it… Katie had only just met Niall two months ago! Wow, time really does fly!

I am skyping the girls and Harry at least once a week. I used to think that Mark didn’t know a thing, but I think he’s going soft on me. Or maybe…

No, did it? It can’t have had an effect on him! …Did it? If it did then hopefully it’s put him in his place

To be perfectly honest, he is still chucking down painkillers every day.

Right, let me fill you in on what happened:

It was three days ago and I was just sitting in the lounge, mindlessly glaring at the television. Suddenly Mark barged into the room. “When did you go?! How did you meet him?! YOU KNOW I’VE FORBIDDEN YOU TO GO OUT WITHOUT ME!”

Oh yes, another one of his rules. I’m not allowed to step out of the house without him, even just going into his small garden aggravates him.

“What the hell are you on about, Mark.” I sighed, not even looking up.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you!” He screamed, standing in front of me. I took in a deep breath, my hands balling into fists and my nails digging into the palms of my hands.

“You’re not my Dad, Mark. Stop treating me like I’m your child.” I hissed through gritted teeth, he looked taken aback by my words.

“Oh, talking back now, are we?”

I exploded.

I literally did.

I stood up and pressed my hands on his chest, pushing him with as much force as I could muster. I knew I’d gotten stronger over the past month, I’d been secretly helping myself recover when he wasn’t looking.  Mark stumbled back, having to hold on to the wall for support. “Don’t you dare tell me what to do, okay? I give into your rules because I can’t be bothered to go against you.” I said, whilst adding ‘yet’ to the end of the sentence in my head. “I am almost eight-teen, Mark! And this picture you’re holding? Of Liam Hemsworth and I? It’s a little something called Photo shop. You absolute twat.” I growled, staring at him directly into his eyes.

Basically, I think something went off in his head. Like recognition, ever since then he's been more respectful to me. It's great.

I haven't been doing much lately, diary. I'm so bored with my life. I want to travel, to see things that not many people get to see. I want to live, but at the moment I only seem to be surviving.

I know, I know. I'm still not strong enough, I still have bad days.

I don't cut or hurt myself in anyway, I'm just quiet and spend the day watching The Notebook over and over again. I hate being like this, I hate being in this everlasting pit of despair. Sometimes, I see the light. Sometimes I think I'm almost there, that I'm almost about to reach the top and climb out.

Then I fall back in again, the ledge I was originally standing on, cracking beneath me and my limp body helplessly falling down again.

I miss him.

I miss Liam.

Although, Diary. I guess there is a slight upside to whenever I fall down. I guess it's the fact that every time I fall, I get back up, for Liam, for myself. Somehow, what keeps me going is knowing that Liam is waiting for me, waiting until I do eventually become strong enough to pull myself out of this pit. It keeps me going because I know, that if I don't do it for him, that if him and I never become a couple, that there will be no reason for me to try anymore. I know that if I do not end up with Liam, that I will eventually just cave in. Inside my head I'll be yelling at myself to get up, but my body just won't listen.

Diary, I am determined. I will get out of this hell hole, and nothing will stop me. 

Goodnight, Diary. Thanks for listening, I guess?

Love,

Reese  

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, a diary entry from Reese! I've never experience what depression is like, but one of my best friends is currently dealing with it, and I can kind of understand how she's feeling. 

The amount of times I've had to make her realise just how special and beautiful she is is horrendous, I don't mind though. I think it's awful if I complain, because if I hadn't have said anything... she'd be dead.

Anyway, so... it's been a month, aye? I wonder how Liam is coping in America? Afterall, he isn't allowed to get in touch with Reese. Just think about it though, Reese has a reason to pull through the hard times. Liam is so vulnerable, he could so easily succumb to depression... but who will stand guard and make sure he doesn't while Reese is out of reach? Who will keep him sane?

I've just realised how twisted this story sounds... it's not that bad, I promise!

Thanks for reading, I really do love you. Message me any time! My message box (private or public) is always open!

Comment, Vote and Folloooowwww!?

~Jordan x