But Not Me (GxG)

BNM-33

Noelle Canarette

People may come and go, but the memories and experiences they bring stay forever. I will never forget them, whether they were positive or negative. The good times taught me valuable lessons, while the bad times shaped me into who I am today. Kailangan ko lang talaga mag-focus sa sarili ko ngayon at sa mga bagay na nasa harap ko. Moving forward and healing doesn't mean forgetting or completely turning my back on the past.

There are moments where letting go becomes necessary. I will let go if I have to. It's not because I am cowardly or afraid of taking responsibility. Alam ko lang kung kailan dapat huminto at piliin ang sarili ko. Clinging to something that will only bring hurt to the person I loved the most is a painful and regrettable choice. In doing so, not only will I cause pain to them, but also to myself.

Kaya mas pinili ko na bitawan siya kaysa ipilit ang nararamdaman namin.

Instead of forcing a connection that no longer exists, I have opted for the path of acceptance na hindi kami pwede dahil priority ko ang happiness ng mom ko. It is a difficult choice, lalo na at mahal ko siya ng mga panahon na 'yon.

"I'm sorry." Basag ni Mom sa katahimikan.

Nandito kami sa living room. My Mom and Tito Edward were seated on the three-seater sofa, and Khloe and I occupied a single couch, facing them. Simula nang dumating ako wala pa nag nag-o-open up ng subject about sa amin ni Khloe.

"No, Mom. I'm sorry," Sagot ko, it was met with sadness and surprise on my Mom's face.

"I know you already knew. Grandma told you, right?" Bahagya akong yumuko at huminga ng malalim at napatingin sa mga catalog na naka-arrange sa center table na nakuha ng pansin ko. I can't look straight into my Mom's eyes. I can't bear to look and see disappointment in her eyes.

"Y-yes," Ramdam ko na sinisikap ni Mom na hindi maiyak ngunit halatang-halata pa rin dahil sa pagkapiyok ng kaniyang boses. This is not what I want. Ayokong makita na umiiyak si Mommy na ako ang dahilan kaya mas ginusto ko na itago ang about samin ni Khloe.

"I am willing to cancel our wedding, anak."

Mabilis akong tumingala upang salubungin ang tingin ni Mom na ngayon ay tahimik na umiiyak at bahagyang pinapahid ang kaniyang mga luha gamit ang kanang kamay niya. Nakaramdam ako ng kirot sa aking dibdib upon seeing my Mom cry.

"Yana!" Gulat na ani Tito Edward na ngayon ay balisang nakatingin kay Mom. Halata sa mukha nito ang pagkabigla at hindi rin nito itinago ang pagkadismaya sa naging turan ng aking Ina.

"I'm sorry, Edward," my Mom reaches for Tito Edward's hand, which rests on her lap. "I love my daughter, and I will do whatever it takes to ensure her happiness."

"Mom," I called their attention, "Yes, Khloe and I had a relationship, but that is all in the past. There is no need to cancel the wedding."

"Baby." Tawag sa akin ni Mom sa mahinang tinig, but I just gave her a reassuring smile.

"We were once best friends who became lovers," Malungkot na ngumiti ako habang bumabalik sa aking isipan ang mga alala ng nakaraan namin. "When we discovered your relationship with Tito, we were both taken aback and of course, got hurt."

Before, nasasaktan ako kapag naaalala ang kung anong meron samin ni Khloe, marami rin akong tanong why our story as a couple ended up like this and there's also a what if. But now? It's all gone. The pain is no longer there. I may miss it, but I no longer seek or long for it to happen again.

"We have already closed the chapter between us. No, it was my choice. Because I knew that you would sacrifice for me, which I didn't want to happen. I want you to be happy, Mom." Sa 'di maipaliwanag na dahilan, biglang may luha na pumatak sa pisngi ko gumaan din ang aking pakiramdam. "Gusto kong makahanap ka ng partner na papahalagahan ka, hindi iyong uuwian ka lang dahil doon siya nakatira."