𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

35.

Sage

A weeks been and gone and now I'm back at uni. As good as it was to have a week away, I'm happy to be back learning what I love. The years winding down to a close along with the time I have left of fifth year. Before I know it, I'll be starting my last and final year at Oxford. It's crazy how fast time goes.

If I'm honest, this isn't how I expected my final weeks of fifth year to be. Didn't foresee having an argument with my brother that led us to not talk, didn't imagine I'd have a boyfriend who loves and cares about me by my side. Or a group of friends that make me feel less alone. There's good and bad in it all.

I try and not think about the fact that we're in the middle of December and Christmas is coming up and Ty and I are yet to talk.

The amount of text messages I've drafted that haven't been sent because at the last minute the pain and anger I feel towards him comes rushing back.

Part of me wants to reach out and just tell him to forget everything that happened and be my big brother again. My inner child calling out to the only person who's ever made me feel safe. But the other part of me is still so angry and hurt that he doesn't want to leave the life that constantly proves that we can't live harmoniously in it.

I walk out of oxfords gates, staring down at the eighteenth message in the past few weeks that I've not sent to Ty. Delete it as I approach a smiling Ray.

He's back to driving me places.

Asked him what Ty thinks about it because I can only imagine the strop he pulled when he found out Ray hadn't dropped me like he did to make a point.

Ray won't tell me. He just says not to worry and that he's always going to be there for me. Makes me question if my brothers even still paying Ray if Ray's directly going against his orders.

"Hey kid." Rays voice and comforting smile brings me back to it. I've been so wrapped up in thinking about Ty I didn't even realise I've already made it to the car.

"Hi Ray." I shove my phone into my back pocket, force a smile up at him. Try and make it look as though I'm not completely breaking inside. Heart feeling strained due to all the Ty stuff and then the trauma that is my parents being dead that follows me around daily.

"How was your day?" He pulls the door open for me.

"Thanks." I take a seat in the back. Waiting for him to get into the front before I answer his question.

"Good." I finally disclose once he's sat in the drivers seat.

"Just good?" He peers back at me from the wing mirror.

"Mhm." I nod.

"And how are you? Are you—okay?" He pulls away from the university.

I glue my eyes to the window. Focusing on what we pass by as I answer.

"Yeah, I'm fine." A lie. Haven't been fine since the night I was taken. Sleep is a myth at the moment. I can't even count how many fake smiles I've put on since that night. Wes sees through them though. Annoying.

I sometimes think it's strange. How well he knows me. He was a complete stranger a few months ago and now he's quite literally everything to me. Such a short amount of time for two people to get as close as we are and yet, here we are. Sometimes I think my attachment issues are the reason we're so close.

I get worried. That I've latched myself onto him because I'm terrified of being alone, ever. And that I might need him more than he needs me. That for him this isn't as deep as it is for me. I get scared that one day he's going to leave and it's going to crush me. Because I've found a safe place in him which I haven't found with anyone except my brother and JJ.