My Boyfriends- A Polyamorous Love Affair

chapter 18

Fourth had been struggling really hard, especially after the talk he had with Phuwin, where he realised that he genuinely did love Phuwin. That as crazy as it was, Phuwin was also like the other part of his soul, and he hated it. He hated it because Gemini was his zhiji, his zhiyin. Gemini was the only one who sang the words sung by his spirit. Yet why was he so drawn to Phuwin still?

At first, he chalked it down to him being a selfish and greedy person. A feeble person whose heart was unsteady and swayed by the wind. A person who was undeserving of someone like Gemini. Gemini, who was sweet, kind, funny, smart, and so so pretty. Gemini, who always went out of his way to help others. Gemini, who was perfect in all the ways that mattered.

Yet a part of Fourth still held great affection for Phuwin. So that night, they talked and talked for hours holding hands, and they even cried for some time.   They understood the connection they had between each other. They understood the love they held for each other. They also understood that they had others that they loved, others they loved so much that they didn't want to hurt them. Phuwin loved Pond as much as Fourth loved Gemini. Pond was Phuwin's zhiyin as much as Gemini was Fourth's zhiyin.

That night, they understood that they were just a pair of star-crossed lovers who were only meant to love each other from afar. Maybe this was their destiny, to love each other but could never be together. That night, they decided to part ways. They knew they couldn't be together, it would be too complicated. It wasn't even the complication part that made them reach their decision but rather than the love and respect they held for their other partners.

"Pond... he is so genuine, kind, trusting, and he is willing to do anything... anything for me even if it leaves him in a compromising situation. He is good to me, and I love him." Phuwin had said, and Fourth understood what he meant because Gemini was just the same.

Pond and Gemini were willing to put their own needs aside. They were willing to share Fourth and Phuwin if that would result in Phuwin and Fourth being happy. They were selfless in their love. Yet would they have been happy? Like truly happy being in such a relationship? Fourth knew that they couldn't put them through that.

"I know, Hia." Fourth had replied because he did know. He understood probably more than anyone would ever understand.

"How do I let go when I have seen your soul and you have seen mine?" Phuwin had asked with a sad smile on his face, cupping Fourth's cheek and gently caressing it with his thumb.

"You have to." Fourth had answered with a small smile on his face.

After that night, they had agreed on being just friends. They knew it would be hard. They knew they had sexual chemistry and would be drawn to each other like opposite sides of a magnet. So they decided to distance themselves away from each other, no private texts, no private phone calls, and no meeting each other in private.

They would be friends for the sake of their loved ones, and maybe for each other too. They put up these rules because they wanted to be faithful to their respective partners.

Fourth never really talked about that night with Gemini. It hurt too much, and maybe he was feeling a little shameful to having loved someone else. Someone that wasn't Gemini. When Gemini didn't ask about it, either he was grateful.

Fourth loved Gemini so much. He loved him so much he couldn't put it into words sometimes. So he tried to convey his love into actions. It was little things like making Gemini coffee and breakfast every morning. It was cooking Gemini's favourite meals, and it was giving Gemini extra cuddles. It was spending every free moment of his with Gemini.

Fourth sometimes felt like maybe he loved Gemini too much, like maybe he was overwhelming him with his love burdening him with his love because sometimes what he felt for Gemini would feel too intense for him that he would have to reel in his emotions sometimes.

To put it into words of how he felt about Gemini, he could express it as a deep want, a need to possess. He wanted to cut Gemini up in little pieces and scatter him amongst the sky so that he would be reflected in every pool of light and shimmer like a halo around every face.

He wanted to distil Gemini's very nature and wear it like perfume on his skin, letting it permeate his every pore seeping inside him to his very core.

He wanted to reach inside Gemini's chest to unfasten his heart and swallow it whole so that it would beat forever in tandem next to his. Each beat imparting every word Gemini could never say aloud.

He wanted to put new stars in the sky and redecorate it with new colours, make home for Gemini along the giant nebulas and infinite constellations.

The point was Fourth loved Gemini a lot and was now devoted to him and him alone. He has acknowledged that his heart had beat for someone else, but truly, his soul had only belonged to Gemini.

So when he noticed Gemini acting more irritable than usual, Fourth thought he should give him some space. He trusted Gemini would tell him what was wrong when he was ready. Although he was scared that perhaps he had been too much, too overwhelming in showing his affection to Gemini. Whatever it was, he trusted Gemini would tell him about it because Gemini had always been that kind of person, honest to a fault.

What he didn't expect, however, was that after spending all day and half the night with Satang only to go back to his boyfriend to find him talking to his friends about breaking up with him. To find out that the one person he trusts most in the whole universe didn't trust him. That after devoting himself to Gemini, he would dare think of him as unfaithful.

Fourth could feel his heart breaking and not in the figurative sense, but it felt like his heart was literally being torn to shreds. Like someone had put a dagger right through his chest and was twisting it in a slow, agonising way.

Fourth knew that he could be too much sometimes, and he thought maybe that would drive Gemini away. But he never thought Gemini would ever think so lowly of him that Gemini would question his loyalty and devotion towards him. Maybe this was his fault. Maybe he didn't do enough. Maybe he was undeserving of Gemini.

Maybe... maybe...

Fourth left Gemini's door on trembling legs and managed to get into his car and drive. He didn't know where he was going. All he knew was he needed to get away. He knew he couldn't go to Satang or Mark, certainly none of his uni friends they didn't have that kind of relationship. He couldn't go to Joong and Dunk. They're always so in love it would make him feel ever worse. He could go to Phuwin... but he didn’t want to put him through all of that again.

So he drove and drove. He doesn't know for how long he was on the road or where exactly he was going. All he knew was he needed to get away. He drove until he reached a destination. He took out his phone and tried to compose himself enough to send Gemini a text, a goodbye to his zhiyin. It was probably pathetic to do it via text, but he couldn’t bear to see the rejection on Gemini's face. It would break him even more than he has already.

He took tentative steps towards the door and hesitantly knocked.

"Nong'Fot?" The person asked, worry marking their face as they looked at Fourth's tear stricken face.

"Phi..." That’s all Fourth could say before before he broke down into heart-wrenching sobs.

"Oooh nong... it's okay." They enveloped Fourth into a hug, rubbing soothing circles on his back.