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62. FUCKED-UP?

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I APOLOGIZE FOR LATE UPDATE, BUT AS I SAID I'M BUSY WITH FESTIVALS, PLUS I KNOW YOU'LL GET IT TOOK A LOT OF MY TIME, WELL ALMOST TWO DAYS' EFFORTS TO COMPLETE THIS CHAPTER!

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AISHA

As soon as I came down, well I didn't know when I came, cause I was all lost in looking at the Sorcerer standing next to me! He is the man I keep cursing, crying at, & now that he is here, with me, it's like nothing has ever happened, like everything is as beautiful as before, like he didn't shatter my world, my hopes, my heart at all!

Am I a Despo, or am I too forgivable like some saint on Himalayas, but then my eyes lingered here & there, as a few faces come into my eyes, & I realized that no, I never forgive them!

Ash & Sid, I can never forgive them, hell, not even think about forgiving them, for as soon as they are anywhere in my vision, I start getting those memories back, the way they treated & spoke to me that night in Delhi at the Bakshi Mansion...

I can also never forgive Alex... Yes it's been just a small time we'd been together but we had gotten closer to me as friends. Hell, had I not been for Vivaan, I might have fallen for him, or maybe not, for I know I can never fall for someone, specially after what that Kailash Mathur, the fucker Uncle did to me...

I sighed, no I can never either forgive those fucker Uncles of mine! Yes, even my Aunt, Mrs. Bakshi, never treated me that good, but I know she was there for me when I needed her, in all the ways she could as my Aunt, & so goes with Ishu & Nisha, they were with me in their own ways, in their own forms, I can never be angry on them as well, even though Ishu spoke all those words that night that I was never her sis & all, but I know those words were out of her immature anger...

Yes, her one day's word can never take over our sisterhood of years, especially after i came to Mumbai, she has been very close to me, as much as her extrovert & easy going nature allowed...

But Sid & Ash, I had always ignored their ways to me, directly or indirectly, but I thought we became friends with time, & more like bro-sis in case of Sid, but I was so wrong & that day they opened their curtains revealing their real selves, I can never forgive them anytime in my life time...

So if I can stay angry on them all, including Sara & Anny, then why can't I stay angry on Vivaan & Khuranas? After all Vivaan too did worst to me, followed by his sibs... Am I getting manipulated by him again?

Fuck this love! It never gave me anything than deception & hurt & I'm not ready to jump off this cliff again, unsure if wings of Vivaan's love will help me fly? For I've fallen of this cliff once, & I'm as good as dead for now!

Today when Dad got angry on me, I felt like betrayed & worst scenes of my life started coming in front of my life. Yes, I know it was a small scene of his concern & care, but all those incidents have broken me such that I can't help but become vulnerable again & again & rushed to my room & cry my heart out.... I'm such an idiot cry-baby!

But yet again whenever I see Vivaan, those vulnerabilities fly away, if I speak the truth, his mere name is enough to give me strength!

Is it the craziness of my love, which never diminishes, rather it increases & ever increases for him, even after all the shits. I'm amazed at my own self nowadays, specially the way I'm reacting to him & to others! Is it the same me who promised to never forgive anyone? But as I can see now that the volcano of my anger is calming down, I'm seeing things & people the better way, but what about Vivaan & me? Should I trust him, can I trust him???