DBS#3: Mending the Scars

IKA-LIMAMPU'T TATLO

It’s five o’clock in the afternoon while we’re sitting on his bed and looking outside the glass window. I promised to watch the sunset with him because he watched it alone the last time. Mabuti na lang talaga at nakikisama rin ang panahon sa gusto naming mangyari ngayon.

“Mas maganda sana kung wala tayo rito sa ospital,” he suggested.

“Alam kong gustong-gusto mo nang umalis dito. Pero konting tiis na lang muna. Malapit na naman ang schedule ng chemotherapy mo.”

He nodded and gently leaned his head on my shoulder. “Kung magkakaroon ka ng kapangyarihan, anong pipiliin mo?”

Napakurap ako sa napaka-random niyang tanong. I don’t watch such things, so I have no idea what superpowers he is talking about. Hindi nga ako madalas na nanonood ng kahit anong cartoons noon lalo na kung wala naman akong natututunan. It’s just a waste of time. I’d rather entertain myself while gaining knowledge.

“I don’t have any idea about that kind of thing,” I answered as a matter of fact.

He laughed and nodded while his head was still on my shoulder, looking outside the window while waiting for the sunset. “Inaasahan ko na iyan sa iyo. Kaya nga hindi mo kilala si Baymax, eh, kasi outdated ka sa mga palabas.”

“Outdated din naman ang porma mo noong unang beses na kinulit mo ako sa school, ah. Do you remember what shoes you were wearing? Converse shoes! Naka-uniform ka tapos ganoon ang sapatos mo,” pang-aasar ko habang inaalala ang mga panahong unang beses kaming nagkaroon ng matagal na interaction.

“That’s what we called fashion, Bryle. Ganoon ang classics. Besides, kung gusto mong mapansin ka, dapat maging kakaiba ka sa karamihan,” pagmamalaki naman niya.

“Alam na alam mo talaga kasi ang hilig mong magpapansin!”

“Kung hindi ba ako naging ganoon, mapapansin mo ba ako? Sa sungit mong iyan, baka kahit tingnan ako, hindi mo na ginawa,” he laughed and shook his head.

Kung sabagay, may point naman siya. Head-turner nga talaga ang suot niya noon kasi baduy siya. Kahit sino nga yatang estudyante ay napapalingon sa itsura niya. He’s handsome indeed; he looks so manly, and yet his fashion sense doesn’t complement those looks. Pero sa totoo lang, ang pagiging kakaiba niya ang pinakanagustuhan ko. Hindi ko inakala na sa likod ng makulit niyang personality, he’s also a sweet guy with lots of ambition.

“Pero kung ako ang tatanungin, kapangyarihan na may kakayahang makapagpahinto ng oras ang pipiliin ko. Gusto kong ibalik ang mga panahon na wala tayong ibang problema kung hindi ang pag-aalaga lang kay Pancake. Those are the good memories I always want to come back to.”

“I’d choose the same, so I won’t have to experience this na parang nagpapaalam ka na,” I whispered the thoughts that has been lingering on my mind.

For the past few days, as much as I wanted to ignore these thoughts, they always came back. I always feel like I have to cherish every moment like this because it might not happen again.

“Bryle, we have to expect the worst. As much as I don’t want to talk about this, we can’t just ignore the possibility. Sinusulit ko na ang bawat araw na ganito dahil natatakot akong hindi kita mabigyan ng sapat na memories kapag dumating ang panahon na mawala ako.”

Gustuhin ko man na patigilin siya at ibahin ang topic kagaya ng madalas kong ginagawa ay hindi ko na sinubukan. Dahil this time, baka nga kailangan ko nang maging bukas sa puwedeng mangyari. Maybe I have to think maturely now. Bukod sa sakit niya, oras din ang kalaban namin. We don’t want to waste time because, at this point, every second matters to us. Dahil kahit anong pilit kong pagbabalewala, posibleng dumating ang araw na hindi na mauulit ang ganitong pagkakataon.

“Tell me more. Sabihin mo sa akin lahat ng gusto mong sabihin,” I said, trying to sound cool.

“I just want to thank you. Salamat sa mga efforts mo, Baymax. Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit masaya ako ngayon. My life would be a mess if I hadn’t met you. Ikaw ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa akin,” he smiled and looked at me.

“I’m so grateful to have you, too. You taught me how to love, how to be patient, how to forgive, how to fight, and how to be strong. Salamat sa mga araw na hindi mo ako iniwan dahil alam mong kailangan ko ng masasandalan. I will never forget you…”

“You should. You don’t dare forget me. Hindi ako magiging masaya kung makalimutan mo ako. Dahil kahit saan man ako magpunta, babaunin ko ang lahat ng mga masasayang ala-ala natin.”

Tears slowly formed in my eyes as I looked away. I still managed to smile until I felt his warm embrace. He’s hugging me and caressing my back as if I’m a kid longing for comfort and affection. No one can make me feel this way. The happiness only he can give. Kahit na durog na durog na ang puso ko, tumitibok pa rin ang bawat parte nito para sa kaniya.

“You have to be strong, Bryle. You have to fight alone this time. Kahit mawala ako, kampante akong makakaya mo kasi kilala kita. I know you so damn well, baby. Fight for me, okay? Live your life to the fullest. You don’t have to think about what others will say. You are your own. I’m sorry if I can’t fight with you anymore. My battle will come to an end, but yours will start the moment I leave. Mag-iingat ka palagi. Magkikita pa tayo sa susunod na habambuhay, and there, I promise, I won’t leave anymore.”

Walang tigil ang pag-agos ng luha ko habang dahan-dahang tumatango. I tried to hug him much tighter, thinking this would be the last time I could hug him like this. If only I could, I wouldn’t let go. I will just stay in his arms like this forever.

“But… But I wish to see more sunsets with you,” I whispered in between my sobs.

“We will watch the sunset today. Huwag ka nang umiyak. You’re really a cry baby,” he chuckled, wiping away my tears. He kissed my forehead and smiled at me.

Sinubukan kong kumalma nang mahinto ako sa pag-iyak. I know that crying isn’t the real solution to my problem. But Top taught me that it’s okay to cry when we feel like crying. It doesn’t make us less of humans because humans cry, and that’s normal.

“Alam mo ba kung anong ibig sabihin ng paglubog ng araw? It means every ending is beautiful,” he whispered. “Ending, for me, means opening another door for something. Kung may pintuang magsasara, meron namang magbubukas na panibago. It’s a never-ending cycle.”

We watched as the blue sky become a combination of pink and orange. The clouds are blazing in a bright golden color, making them very appealing. Ito ang pinakamagandang sunset na nakita ko sa buong buhay ko. It is bright and colorful. Buong kalangitan ay nabalutan ng kakaibang kulay dahil dito. I’m amazed by how this thing becomes so mesmerizing and therapeutic just by looking at it.

This will now be my favorite part of the day. Watching sunsets with him is like a comfort to my raging fear and anxiety. Kuntento na ako sa munting oras na ganito at kasama siya, kahit pa puwedeng panandalian lang ang lahat at maaaring isang araw ay magising akong mag-isa na lang na pagmamasdan ang kalangitan. Noon nga ay walang halaga sa akin ang ganitong maliliit na bagay. I’ve never even been so fascinated by these things—the sunset during the afternoons, the stars, the moon, and the sunrise during the mornings—until I met him. He made me realize that there’s always beauty in anything if we learn to appreciate its existence.

“It’s beautiful…” manghang sagot ko habang nananatili ang mga mata sa kalangitan.

“You know you’re just like the sunset. I will never get tired of looking at you. Kahit saan ako mapunta, maghihintay ako para lang makita ka.”

And just like this sunset, Kristoff. I wish for our endings to become this beautiful.