DBS#3: Mending the Scars

WAKAS

The memories from the first day we met are still fresh in my mind, like it all just happened yesterday. Every place I went, outside or inside this room, it all reminded me of him. His presence, which I was once irritated by, his smile that gave me shivers, his laughter every time he mocks me, and his silly jokes—all of those things—I can’t believe they’re now just part of my memories.

I’m so mad that he left me. He should’ve just brought me with him so I wouldn’t feel this kind of misery. Yet I can’t blame him still because I know he tried. He fought as much as he could. He was the strongest person I knew. It’s just that we can’t stop death once it knocks on our door, can we?

“I’m… I’m in pain. Do you h-hear me?” I murmured with all the tears running fast through my cheeks. “Why have all of these happened to me when all I wanted was to be loved the way I wanted?! Why do I have to experience all of these? Why?!”

It feels like a dream, or, should I say, a nightmare. I want to wake up and forget about this, like it never really happened. I want to see him sitting right next to me; I want to hear his voice once again; I want to feel his warmth, his embrace, and his love.

It's been a week, and I’m still miserable, like how he left me. Walang araw sa loob ng isang linggo na iyon na hindi ko hiniling ang pagbabalik niya. It sounds crazy, but what else would a broken man think at this point other than delusions and crazy things?

“Bumalik ka na sa akin, Top! Hindi ko na kaya ng g-ganito. Please, miss na m-miss na kita…” pagmamakaawa ko na para bang nakikinig siya.

Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa kama habang nananatiling nakaupo sa carpet, until I accidentally saw my reflection on the mirror near the bed. Malayong-malayo ang itsura ko sa dati. Isang linggo pa lang ang nakakalipas pero parang ilang taon ko nang napabayaan ang sarili ko. I didn’t even bother to take a bath after I went home from his burial.

Sa huli, binalewala ko na lang ang aking itsura sa salamin at muling bumalik sa pagkakatungo. Habang nakalapat ang kaliwang pisngi ko sa malambot kong kama ay unti-unti akong pumikit kahit pa patuloy pa rin ang pag-uunahan ng aking mga luha. For a moment, I suddenly felt at ease. Dahan-dahang kumalma ang mahihinang paghikbi ko. I don’t know if I’m completely losing my mind or if I can really feel his warmth once again for the last time.

“Kristoff… sana naririnig mo ako. Mahal na mahal kita. Patawarin mo ako kung hindi ko pa matanggap kaagad. Hindi pa siguro sa ngayon. Hayaan mo sana muna akong maramdaman lahat-lahat ng sakit hanggang sa maubos. Baka sa ganoong paraan, makaya ko nang tanggapin na talagang wala ka na.”

Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa matinding pagod at puyat kaya mabilis akong nakatulog o dahil sa matinding pag-iyak. Ang alam ko na lang ay ginising ako ng malalakas na katok sa aking kwarto. Bubuksan ko pa sana ito nang mas nauna pa itong mabuksan bago ako makatayo. Niluwa ng pintong iyon ang sina Mommy, Gianna, at Dad. Sa likod nila ay ang buong D’Beasts na may hawak na kung anong mga bakal na sa tingin ko ay ginamit nila para mabuksan ang pintuan.

“A-Anong ginagawa niyo rito?” nagtatakang tanong ko nang bigla na lang humagulgol ng iyak si Mommy at kaagad akong niyakap.

“Akala namin ay kung ano nang ginawa mo sa sarili mo! Bakit ba hindi ka nagpaalam na aalis ka na? Nag-alala ako!”

They thought I’d kill myself?

Kung sabagay, it was my fault that I didn’t tell anybody that I was going home after Top’s burial. I was just too hurt to even stay. Hindi ko na naalalang may mga tao pa palang nag-aalala sa akin.

“I’m sorry, I just took a nap and thought about what I should do next,” I mumbled.

“Huwag mo nang uulitin ito. For now, you will stay in our house with us,” ani Dad.