I Love You, It's Ruining My Life | Lovertation Taylor Swift Fanfic |

Chapter 3

TW: mentions of abuse and suicidal thoughts

🖤Rep🖤

After lunch (where I saw Lover STILL crying, what a baby), I had math. Ew.
I was trying to get to class, but people are slow asf, so it took me double the amount of time that it should've taken to make it to the doorway of the classroom. The fun didn't stop there though, because there were two girls standing in the doorway just talking and giggling, blocking the whole fucking entrance.

"WILL YOU TWO MOVE YOUR FAT ASSES, OR DO I HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU?"

"sorry reputation." They both replied timidly, moving away as quickly as possible.

"Yeah you should be." I rolled my eyes as I sat down glaring at them.

A few seconds later the teacher walked in and started yapping her jaw off for the entirety of the class. Like literally we sat there for 50 minutes listening to her repeat the same shit over and over again.
After the bell rang, this bitch had the audacity to say "I know that was a lot to take in, so I'll go over it again tomorrow," meaning we were gonna sit there and do absolutely nothing again. Yippee.

Fast-forward to the end of the day, and I have to get on the stupid bus. Yes, I'm almost 18. No, I can't drive. Well, I can, but my parents won't let me get a car, nor will they let me use theirs, so I'm stuck with these middle schoolers until I can afford to get my own car, which won't be for a while.

"MOVE" I screamed at the kids sitting in my seat. They know they're supposed to sit in the front and let us high schoolers sit in the back, but do kids ever fucking listen? No. I hate kids.

"What if I don't want to." Ohh he was gonna get it.

I raised my fist as if I was gonna pound him, and that was enough for him to start crying and run to the front, allowing me to sit down on the worn leather seats that smelt like vomit. Thank God I was the first stop, I wouldn't be able to handle anymore than 5 minutes of this shitty bus.

I seriously cannot wait until I don't have to put up with any of this anymore.

🩷Lover🩷

Once I got home I went straight up to my bedroom, closing the door behind me, and FaceTimed 1989.

"Heyyy girlieeee!!"

"Hey, where were you today?"

"Oh, I had a doctors appointment, so I just stayed home the rest of the day."

"Wish I could've missed school" I muttered under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear.

"Wdym? You love school."

"Yeah usually"

"What happened?"

"Okay so basically...(she explained but I don't feel like typing it out😝)

"That sucks Lover, I'm so sorry. Don't worry about Rep, she's mean to everyone. Just try to ignore her."

"Thanks. Will you be there tomorrow?"

"Absolutely. Sorry I couldn't be there today at lunch with you."

"It's okay, I'll be fine. I gtg, bye."

"Bye Lover, call me whenever you need to, I'm always here"

"Thanks" I smiled and hung up.

As soon as my face could no longer be seen, the fake smiled I'd been wearing came off as I started sobbing, covering my face with my blanket so nobody could hear me, not that they'd be able to anyways.
My family has never had problems before. Everyone has gotten along just fine, and everyone was healthy. Not recently though. My family is falling apart right now, and it's all my fault.

I'm just praying it'll all be okay in the end.

🖤Rep🖤

For most people, getting home after school is like a breath of fresh air after drowning all day. For me, it going from drowning all day, to drowning some more. I can never get a break. I don't have anybody in my life. My parents hate me, my sister ran away last year and I haven't heard from her since, I don't have a boyfriend, and I don't have any friends. Literally, what am I still here for?

People talk about how mean and scary I am, but what they don't realize is that for me, it's eat or be eaten. Kill, or be killed. If I hadn't learned to not be afraid to use my voice or fight back, I would not be okay right now. I'm still not okay, but at least I don't let it show.

Sure, maybe I overdo it, and I'm meaner than I have to be, but I don't know how to be anything else. I've gotten so used to the abuse that I always have to fight at home. So now I'm just always fighting. I never get a break. Everyone that I've ever actually cared about and trusted have left me, so why should I let anyone else in. I've put walls up, and if I let them down, I'll only be hurting myself.

I don't like that I have to be like this in order to keep going, but I'm too weak to take anymore pain. If I don't care about anyone, they can't hurt me. Not as bad, anyway.

I haven't been able to talk to anyone about any of this, considering I don't have anyone, but if I did, I'm sure they'd say something like "look at the positive. Focus on what you do have." But the thing is, every aspect of my life is broken.

I get abused at home by both of my parents. They hit me, they scream at me for everything, they say things that stick with me forever. I tried to make friends as a kid, but I was bullied so heavily that I stopped talking to people. And now that I've become the bully, I could never have a friend. My grades are terrible. I've given up trying, I know I'll never do good enough, never be smart enough, so why even try? So my teachers hate me too.

I have nobody in my life who would care whether or not I stayed or left, and everything hurts, I'm done living this life, so leaving feels like the better plan.

Thankfully my parents are out of town this weekend, so I'll have plenty of time to eliminate myself from this world of pain.

I just have to get through tomorrow, and then I'll be gone.