Towards the future I see

Chapter 59 Part 3

Ar'alani and I went to Chimaera with a shuttle while TIE Defenders flew to the hangar. Ar’alani and I were escorted to the bridge where Thrawn and Faro were expecting us. Before I could say anything, Thrawn grabbed me by the arm and gave me the most angry look I had ever seen.

“We will talk about your insubordination later,” He almost hissed in basic. I could see from the corner of my eyes how Faro held down a sigh as she looked at me with pity. Thrawn pulled me to stand at his side as he spoke with Ar’alani about the wreckage left of the Grysks. Ar'alani said she had found some artwork from the ships that were of unknown origin, and hopefully, Thrawn could pull something out of them. Soon, Thrawn asked Faro to summon Assistant Director Ronan to come to the bridge. Faro pulled out her comm and gave orders to escort Ronan to the bridge. I thought I should try to talk to Thrawn, but he simply gave me a cold look, and that was enough to stop me from even trying.

When Ronan came, we were all waiting for him near the aft bridge comm-station. We were Thrawn, Ar’alani, Faro, and me watching as Ronan walked closer. When he asked why he was summoned, he was surprised to hear that Thrawn wanted him to give his report now to Krennic and Tarkin. I could already see that he wished to have more time to plan his report before giving it. Instead, he was to be given it now as Thrawn set the comm-station on, and the pale holographic images of Krennic and Tarkin appeared before Ronan.  Both men waited for the report. In all honesty, so did I. After everything that happened, how would Ronan respond?

“I regret to inform you that Grand Admiral Thrawn has failed his part of the bargain,” Ronan said. A part of me wasn't even surprised. I saw Faro stir and ready to say something but held it down when Thrawn gave a small movement with his hand. Ronan explained that the deal was that Thrawn had to get rid of the problem of Grallocs, which he didn’t do. As I heard the conversation, I knew the nuances that truly mattered now. Krennic would keep the funding, Thrawn’s involvement with aliens wasn't even bothered now, and whatever Savit had caused wasn't important since it wasn't part of the deal. However, when Thrawn’s opinion was asked, he didn't give any rebuke. Instead, he suggested that Darth Vader was to be assigned to watch over the project. Krennic wasn't happy about it, but with a word from Tarkin that it was an excellent idea and that he would submit the proposal to the Emperor. And soon, the conversation ended, and the images of Krennic and Tarkin disappeared.
Thrawn instructed Faro to contact the Harvenger and to make rendezvous at Lothal. I saw Faro give maybe the deadliest glare at Ronan before she went to perform her tasks. Ronan said he would also now leave and return to Stardust, but then Thrawn said that he might not want to do that. Now that Vader was in charge of the safety of the project, he would be at Stardust most of the time, and he will sense Ronan’s contempt at the Emperor. When that dawned to Ronan, I could tell he knew he was in trouble. I had told him before that even Krennic couldn't save him from Vader.

Thrawn, however, gave him an option that felt as if someone had slapped me hard to the face. He said that Ronan could leave with Ar’alani to Chiss Ascendancy. Just like that, he could just leave? A part of me wanted to cry of frustration while other part of me told me to remain still and calm. Ronan wasn't happy about the suggestion, but he knew that it was his only way to survive. After battling his own pride and his will to live, he seemed ready to leave. Thrawn still gave him chances to go to Stardust as he mentioned that in the hangar, he could easily go to a different shuttle. But I knew already what he would choose. No matter how loyal one might claim to be to the Empire, no one was ever foolish enough to face Vader. When I saw Ronan leave escorted by two Death troopers, I was both relieved and jealous of knowing that I wouldn't see him again.

After Ronan had left, Ar’alani spoke with Thrawn in Cheunn, so I couldn't understand a thing they said. But it had to be about Ronan. Ar'alani didn't seem so eager to have him in her ship. But apparently, Thrawn convinced her some way as her tone changed.

--

“[If I could choose who would come with me],” Ar’alani said.

”[You can't],” Thrawn said.

“[If I could choose,]” Ar’alani said, ignoring Thrawn’s comment. "[I would choose Faro. But since she has her duties to the Empire and the Navy, I understand that she can't be chosen. However, Lady Mira is a civilian, I would gladly take her with me.]”

“[No,]” Thrawn said, his voice somber. "[She can't leave the Empire. She has her duties to her master.]”

“[I have heard,]” Ar’alani said. "[But I have also heard that she wishes to leave the Empire. The girls, Vah’nya, even Un’hee said that they could sense that she wishes to leave, to disappear. Her abilities could be useful in other ways.]”

"[I have pondered about it, but she can’t,]” Thrawn said.

“[You can't let her go?]” Ar'alani asked.

"[If only it be that simple,]” Thrawn said. "[But if you truly wish to take her with you, it has to be done differently.]”

"[How?]”

“[I have a plan. But it requires your participation.  especially the participation of Eli Vanto.]”

--

The tone of their conversation changed again, and I could detect worry and a hint of sadness. This must be goodbye for them. Ar’alani glanced at me, and then she left escorted by the Death troopers. Thrawn approached Faro and spoke with her about if she was alright and then revealed her that he had put a stop on her application to lead the task force 231, instead he had recommended her to lead the 11th fleet. Faro was surprised, and she took the compliment with pride. Apparently, Faro would leave Chimaera right after we arrived at Lothal.

“Congrats, Commodore Faro,” I said.

“Thank you, My Lady. Maybe I have the honor of having you aboard my ship someday,” Faro said.

“The honor would be mine, Commodore,” I said.

“And now, Commodore. One final time, you may prepare my ship,” Thrawn said. The way Faro gave orders and spoke with the officers seemed a bit melancholic. And soon we were ready to go. When the viewport showed the stars transform into swirls, Thrawn finally turned to me.

“To my office,” He said with a firm voice.

--

Thrawn’s office has never felt so cold. But when I stood in front of his desk, a place I usually took when I didn't sit down, I couldn't help shivering. It didn't get any better when Thrawn placed his hand on my shoulder. His hands usually felt very warm. But now I couldn't feel any of that warmth.

“You understand why I called you here?” Thrawn asked.

“Because I left Chimaera and acted on my own,” I said, lowering my eyes.

"You broke our agreement, Mira,” Thrawn said, his voice lowering. "I told you to stay near me and to do as I say.”

"You didn't forbid me to go to Steadfast. And you gave me permission to escort Vah’nya to the Chiss ship,” I tried to reason with him.

“That isn't the point,” Thrawn almost shouted and slammed his hand to the desk, making me flinch. I have never witnessed him this angry. It scared me. Had I crossed the line? What will he do? "Look at me.” His voice was now clam, but I could still hear lingering anger in there. I carefully raised my eyes to meet his. He moved the hood away with one hand and placed that same hand to my cheek. The touch was soft, but I could detect small shivering as if he was holding down his emotions. I was scared and most evidently he saw it. His voice came out much calmer as if he was talking to a child he had just chastised.

“If something would have happened, how was I supposed to protect you if you are not near me?” He said.

“But the battle was successful, I saw it in my vision,” I said.

“Then how did you get this?” He snarled as he ripped the clasp of my robe open and let the robe fall to the floor. Instantly, my hands went to my neck to cover the bruises. My outfit didn't aid me in hiding the patches of medicine given to me in the Chiss ship, and some bruises peeked out under them. " Did you see that as well?”

"No, I didn't see it. Ar’alani managed to capture one freighter during the battle and brought it into study. It turned out that the pilot had survived the crash and… got loose on the ship,” I said, shrinking in voice.

“I heard you fought him. What were you thinking?” Thrawn almost hissed the last part.

“That I can't let him get Un’hee!” I almost shouted back. "She was scared, no, terrified. And that Grysk was clearly mad and trying to take as many down with him. The warriors could have stand it but not her. And clearly, the Grysks wanted to get her specifically. He knew what damage it would do to their morale if a Navigator died. I fought him because I could. Why else have you taught me in combat if not to defend myself?”

Thrawn pressed his lips together, and for a moment, I thought I crossed the line again. I should have better control over myself. Vader taught me that much. But my feelings were overflowing. I needed time to sort them. As if noticing my nervousness, Thrawn let go of me and took a step back.

“You better retire to your quarters and do not leave them unless I summon you,” Thrawn said. I didn't need to be told twice. I gathered my robe from the floor and hurried out of his office to my quarters. Since my quarters were close to his, I got quickly to my room, fell to the bed, and buried my face to the pillow. I have been frustrated, angry, and jealous of many things, but it never felt so strong as it did now. It took me a while of crying to understand why I was feeling that way. I was jealous and angry that Assistant Director Ronan could get away from everything, and I didn't. He could get away from Vader, from the Emperor, from the Empire itself, but not me. It made me angry at how unfair that was. Ronan didn't even want to go. I bet he would have loved to stay and assist Director Krennic to finalize that Deathstar. But I wanted out more than anyone else. And Thrawn knew it, I know he knew it. And still, he let that moron get away from it all.

After crying more and finally losing the energy of being angry, I got up from the bed and inspected the robe. There is no damage on the clasp, and there is no major damage to the rest of the decorations. Maybe one tassel could be re-stitched, but so far, it looked alright. A bit of cleaning here and there nothing more. Besides the robe, I checked my appearance. Besides obvious signs of crying, there were bruises under the wraps. The cut in my arm was also visible, but only if I pulled the sleeve high enough. I washed my face and went to the living area to sit and better inspect my robe. With a bit of cleaning and securing the clasp and fixing the tassel, it was alright.

I had just finished with the clasp when the door to my quarters opened, and Thrawn walked in. I wasn't sure what he wanted or if he was still angry at me, so I kept my head low. I was sitting at the table, so I simply kept my eyes at the time on the table.

“Lady Mira, I'm here to inform you that our destination has changed. We are heading to Coruscant instead of Lothal,” Thrawn said. His voice was as calm and smooth as it was always. There was no hint of anger anymore. But I wasn't sure about it. I had never seen him so angry. He always had control of his expression. And right now, I could tell I had no control over mine. Despite the crying, I still felt terrible. It took all of my effort to make my voice sound as normal as possible.

“Understood, sir,” I said. Thrawn must have noticed the tone of my voice because he quickly got closer and grabbed my chin, making me look at him.

“Have you been crying?” He asked. I pulled myself away from his grip. I felt ashamed of myself, I should have better control over my emotions, my expressions. But now it felt as if everything was crumbling down. "Is it because of our conversation before?”

“No.” I said and got up as if I was about to say something more. But instantly, my head told me how stupid it would sound. I wasn't upset because he rebuked me, I was upset because I was jealous of Ronan. How could I say that? It was… stupid. My voice was broken, and I felt how I was about to cry again but not in front of him. "Excuse me.”

I headed to my room and almost made it, but Thrawn caught me by the arm and made me face him again.

“Something clearly upsets you. Tell me what it is,” Thrawn said. His voice wasn't hard, and the way he spoke made me want to just fall in his arms and cry. But I can't. I can't let myself be so weak.

“No,” I sniffed. "It… it's… not… It… it will break me.”

“Mira, please,” Thrawn said in a way that made me break right then and there. "Tell me.”

“I want to get out,” I cried. Everything was silent, except for the breathing of the ship and sobs that escaped for me. I covered my face with my hands to hide my crying and my weakness from Thrawn. To my surprise, I felt his arms come around me into a hug, and soon I was burring my face into his chest while he rubbed my back gently. My body trembled as sobs escaped from me. Thrawn simply held me tighter and let me cry it out. After a while, I ceased crying and simply stayed there in his embrace, wishing everything else would simply disappear.

“Mira, do you wish to defect the Empire?” Thrawn asked with a voice that was barely a whisper. What he was asking was dangerous, even treasonous. If I say yes, and this reaches anyone, Vader will know, and all my efforts till now will vanish.

“No, I can't..,” I whisper as I tried to push myself away. But Thrawn kept holding me in his arms tightly, stopping me from getting away.

“You said you want to get out,” Thrawn whispered. "Is your emotional outburst because of feelings of envy for Assistant Director Ronan leaving with Admiral Ar’alani?”

“Please, don't make me say it,” I begged, still keeping my voice down.

“You also had said before that if you could, you would leave the Empire and the Rebellion and never hear of them again. Is this still true?” Thrawn asked. When did he..? Never mind that, this was still a very dangerous topic. I can't say what I truly wish. Thrawn brought one of his hands to my face and gently made me look at him. His thumb wiped away any trace of tears that remained on my cheeks. "Mira, do you wish me to bring you to Chiss Ascendancy?”

I couldn't help but gasp at his words. I could go to Chiss Ascendancy? No, I can't. Vader would never let me. Unlike Vanto or Ronan, Vader would immediately come after me. And that would also mean the end of our agreement.

“I can't,” I said.

“Not now, but in the future, there will come a chance to bring you to Ar’alani. I want to know, do you wish it to happen?” Thrawn said quietly. For some reason, I wanted to say "yes” right there. But there was something else keeping me in place. What would happen to Thrawn? Will he come with me? Will he stay here after I leave? That thought made me hesitate. If he didn't go with me, why did it feel as if I didn't wish to go?

“Mira, I need to hear it,” He whispered as his face came closer to mine. Our foreheads touched, and the space between us got smaller. Before, I might have tried to move away and put some distance between us. But now I was scared of that distance. I wanted to stay with him. Despite seeing him first time angry at me, Thrawn has shown me kindness that is strange in the Empire. He has made me stronger in a way that I couldn't even imagine before. He understood me and still respected my wishes. I… I had grown fond of him. I didn't want to leave him.

“Mira, " He called me in a whisper. "Do you wish me to bring you to Chiss Ascendancy?” His face came closer, his lips barely an inch away from mine. I used to fear that he would kiss me, but now… that thought wasn't so terrifying anymore. He would bring me to his people. He knew what it meant. Not only for him but for me too. It meant new life for me.

“Yes.”

His eyes glowed more as he pulled me closer with his other hand at my back. There was no room between us. His lips came closer and barely brushed mine. My eyes fluttered shut at the feeling.

And then the comm on his belt rang. My eyes shot open and met with his red eyes. He pulled back just enough to move his hand to his belt and retrieve the comm while he held me close with his other hand at my back.

“Sir, we are arriving to Coruscant in 20 minutes,” Faro's voice came from the comm.

“Thank you, Commodore. I’ll be there shortly,” Thrawn said to the comm, and then he put it away before he turned back to me. "We shall continue this conversation.” And then he let go of me. A part of me sank at the loss of his touch while a heat rose to my face. The realization hit me to the head with a voice in my head, screaming the obvious. I had fallen for Thrawn. That voice echoed in my head as I saw Thrawn walk out to the hatch. When it closed, I stayed there standing going through thoughts and emotions once again. When did I begin to like Thrawn? No, when did it grow to… this?

Was it after we left Lothal? Maybe. I sort of resented him for what happened to Kanan, to Hera, to my friends. But then, during the mission of the missing cargo, I didn't want him to fail. Not with that stupid bet and not against the Grysks. I even went against his orders and slipped to the Chiss warship to give him a reason to come back to face the Grysks if necessary. Why did I do it? Of all the people in the Empire, I wanted to be with him. Yes, he scared me sometimes, but only because I can't see his motives. He served the Empire, but he has a bigger goal that isn't part of the Empire or the Rebellion. What is it? And what will I do now?

--

We arrived at Coruscant and Thrawn left with me to the capital. He had an audience with the Emperor, and I had to go to the residence that Vader used whenever he was summoned. There, I began to prepare the full report and make preparations for Vader as he would be sent to supervise the construction of the Deathstar. Vader himself would arrive in three days, so I had to get everything done before that. I needed not only the reports of the missing cargo fiasco but everything else regarding the Deathstar. The personnel working on it, old and new, every section of them, their schedules, guards, pilots. There was a lot of work to be done, but at least I had three days to do it. If I would focus on it, then I would get all done before Vader arrives.

A droid came to inform me that a guest was waiting for me in the dayroom. Guest? There were never guests, whether Vader was present or not. When I came to the room, I met Thrawn standing in the middle of the room, his hands clasped behind him.

“Grand Admiral, for what do I owe the pleasure?” I asked curtly.

“I did say that we would continue our conversation,” Thrawn said. "May we speak somewhere in private?” Oh, we are talking about that? Right here in Vader’s residence?

“Lord Vader has no surveillance in his residence,” I said carefully.

“And the droid?” Thrawn asked, glancing behind me where the servant droid stood.

“Lulu is mine. She helps taking care of the house when I work, or when Lord Vader and I are away,” I said. "As long as we don't need her to serve us, she can leave the room.”

“If possible then,” Thrawn said, inclining his head. With a word from me, the droid left us alone.  When the sound of the hatch closing was heard, Thrawn came closer to me and took my hands. "I have to make this brief, I will leave to Lothal when the preparations are finished.”

“Preparations?” I asked.

“Yes, some sort of building is being built in the Chimaera. It will be done soon, and I’ll leave then,” Thrawn said.

“Then you are here for what?” I asked.

“To give you this,” He said as he pulled one hand from the back and brought out a small container. He gave it to me, I took it and opened it to find a lovely and simple necklace.

“May I?” Thrawn asked, extending his hand. I gave him the necklace and turned around.  While he opened the necklace, I removed the robe and set it aside. He brought the necklace over my head and locked it around my neck. When he was done, he leaned closer and whispered right to my ear. "Never take this off.”

My skin tingled as he spoke. He has gifted me with dresses and accessories before, but this is the first time he told me to keep something on all the time. Was there some meaning behind the necklace? I turned to face him, and I couldn't help looking down to see the simple necklace.

“It is beautiful,” I said, touching the small intricate piece of the necklace. "Does it have a history?”

“It does,” Thrawn said. "Sadly, I have no time to tell you about it.”

“Why are you in a rush? And what does that building have to do with it?” I asked.

“The Emperor has sent me to put an end to the rebellion on Lothal. He also wants me to bring him Ezra Bridger,” Thrawn said.

“What?” I gasped. Why would Emperor want Ezra? And what is that thing that is built in Chimaera?

“The building that is built inside my ship is a piece of the Jedi Temple that was found in Lothal,” Thrawn said. He surely had to see my confusion. I recall the reports about the temple, Vader didn't want me to take part in it, but that didn't stop me from reading the reports. But the temple was a huge mountain. How come a part of it was now built inside a ship?

"I don't understand,” I said, feeling that something was wrong.

“I too struggle to comprehend the meaning of this piece of the temple, but it is built as a doorway to somewhere,” Thrawn explained. "My instructions were to bring Ezra Bridger there. The Emperor will be present by a hologram.” It took me a moment to understand what he meant, but it also occurred to me. Ezra had been in the corridor that had doors to different times. The same doors that I was shown as visions. If the Emperor wants him, and the piece of the temple… The Emperor is trying to reach the corridor and the doors.

“No, you can't,” I said in terror as I clutched Thrawn’s hands. "You can't bring him to the Emperor.” Thrawn looked at me as he studied me to see why I was so anxious. Whether he saw it or not, he simply shook his head.

“I have my orders given to me directly by the Emperor. It is not my place to disobey them,” Thrawn said as if he was trying to explain to a child.

“No,” I almost cried. "Not Ezra, please. If the Emperor gets him to open the door…”

“Whether the Emperor succeeds or not to compel Bridger to do his bidding is not in my power,” Thrawn said. "The Emperor has also begun to question my loyalty. If I bring him Bridger, I can dissipate some of his doubts.”

"No, you can't let it happen… Otherwise, all of what I’ve done…”

“Will be in vain,” Thrawn said, pulling me closer.  "And then nothing will bind you anymore to keep the same martyrdom your people held on to.”

“No,” I said a bit angrier. "They weren't martyrs. They were murdered.”

“They chose death over survival,” Thrawn said, his voice almost growling. "I will not let you follow that path.”

“How my life ends isn't up to me,” I said, pulling away from him. "Of all visions, I can't see my own fate. But I can see of others, and for their sake, I keep the future hidden.”

"With a cost of your life?" Thrawn shouted, and I almost saw the same anger he showed for the first time in his office. For some reason, all the moments I recalled him being irritated, angry, or somewhat conflicted were times when I mentioned my own possible death. He was always upset about how I was talking about my own end. He… cared for me.

The realization both moved and made me desperate at the same time. The conflicting emotions threaded to make me cry again. I snapped back to reality when Thrawn brought his hand to my cheek and made me gently look at him.

“Whatever happens, when we meet again, you will no longer have to stay in the Empire,” Thrawn said. What did he mean? What was he planning? No, if it means that Ezra has to go through the very thing I have tried to avoid for years, I won't leave. I always wanted to leave the Empire to protect everyone, not to abandon them to a fate worse than it is now. I could never forgive myself. Thrawn means well, but I don't agree to it. As much as I care about him… Oh Stars, I do care about him. But I can't sacrifice everyone else for my own sake.

I felt once again a warm breath upon my face. Thrawn was leaning closer to me. I knew what he intended, so I moved away and took a couple of steps away from him facing away. I will feel bad about this, but I can't make the same mistake I saw master Skywalker do. As much as I care about him, there are more important things than my own wants. The very galaxy could suffer if I ruin the future. If Thrawn ruins it.

“I hope you fail this mission,” I said with my voice trembling as I felt tears coming up, still facing away. "More than any other time, I wish this mission of yours will utterly fail.”

I was about to cry, but I didn't want Thrawn to see it. I didn't want him to come and hug me like he might have done before. I don't want to feel better in his arms. I was partly grateful that I had to stay and wait for Vader. I don't want to be present and see how Ezra might be once again put to make a choice between the lives of others and his. I hadn't realized how similar we had become. Both of us lost our family to the machinations of the Empire. Both of us have been in the corridor and wished to change the past. And we both had access to that place. And we both would be ready to give ourselves up if it meant saving more lives. I can only pray for good fortune for Ezra and that the force will be with him  in his hour of need.

“Until we meet again, vat g’evoti,” Thrawn said, and then he left. I don't know why, but his last words broke me. The hatch hadn't even closed behind him when I fell to my knees and sobs escaped me. I cried for a long moment, and even Lulu got worried. Lulu was always worried for me, but she was also programmed to follow my health. Something Vader added after he heard of the side effects of seeing the vision happen in real life. Noticing that I wasn't injured or otherwise harmed, Lulu simply stayed at my side, waiting for me to finish my crying. Once I stooped crying, Lulu inquired that if I was in need of anything. I dismissed the droid and went back to my room to finish my work. When I don't work, I should meditate and calm myself. I can't let Vader know what happened. The only thing he will find out is that Thrawn came to meet me, and we had a talk. There is no evidence of what we talked about, but surely Vader will know through Lulu that I cried after Thrawn left. Vader won't ask about it unless it has something to do with my ability. Which it doesn't. Whatever happens after that will be entirely another matter.

Sorry it has taken so long. And sorry for the emotional pain some Thrawn fans go through now. Thrawn will appear next time in Part 4.