PULSE [H.S]

050

"The most painful betrayal is when you believe a lie because you want it to be true, only to realize the truth when it's too late." — Unknown

I feel uneasy today.

Not even about the job tonight, I haven't let myself think about it enough to be nervous about it. My stomach is in knots because of Harry.

I've been up for a while, but I haven't untangled myself from his body yet. I'm pretty sure he's awake too, but neither of us have moved. I just stare at the skin of his stomach, keeping my head on his chest.

It's feeling bad now—the situation that I'm in with him. I don't know when it happened, but my heart has started beating for him, and only him.

I was always fine with the way we were, flirting and touching but not talking about what it was. I didn't mind being his distraction. I wanted to be close to him in any way I could be.

But now it hurts.

Now the thought of losing him leaves me gutted. I don't want to lose him, but I don't think I can keep doing this to myself.

I can't stay in this with him, knowing there's no future. The longer I wait to get out of it, the more it is going to hurt when he leaves me, taking my heart with him as he goes. I've known for a while that I was setting myself up for a world of pain, but I let myself enjoy the moments with him.

He brought a lot of happiness to my life, and I don't regret anything. It's just starting to break me.

It has to change, or it has to end.

-

Harry and I walk through the streets of Greece, looking for something to have for breakfast.

We come across a cute local bagel shop, and the smell of it is heavenly. It smells like dough and freshly baked bread, and we immediately know this is where we are going.

Harry orders our bagels, getting some extras for everyone else in case they want some. The older woman behind the bagel shop counter puts the bagels in a bag, smiling at us. She says, "You two compliment each other very well."

My body stiffens, but Harry doesn't react to it. He hands her his card, and she rings it up. I watch as he leaves a $50 tip, even though our bagels were less than $20. Actually, I have no idea how currency works here, so that could be totally wrong. 

She thanks him, grabbing his hand and holding it in hers.

She hands the bag of bagels to him and says, "You keep her close, sweet boy, or you'll regret it."

I chew on my lip, feeling suddenly suffocated in this small bagel shop. I give her a smile since she's such a sweet lady, but my palms are sweating from her words, wondering what Harry is thinking about the assumption.

We don't mention it as we walk back to the hotel, but it never leaves my mind. Of course people would think we are a couple. We do everything that a couple would do.

The silence between us is excruciating. It's killing me, but is he even thinking about it?

As we sit back in the hotel room, I feel nauseous. The feeling stays with me as we get ready for the night and pack up our suitcases.

I watch him carefully as he puts his contacts in, blinking a few times to adjust. Sometimes I forget he even needs them. I wish he'd wear glasses more. I've only seen him in them a few times. I understand why he opts for contacts, though. Glasses don't exactly scream "tough guy."

I slip my dress on—a black silky dress that is extremely comfortable. I love the feeling of silk against my skin. I put on some earrings, looking in the mirror. Sad eyes stare back at me.