PULSE [H.S]

115

You're the reason why I'm breathing, with a little look my way, you're the reason that I'm feeling, it's finally safe to stay — Michael Bublé

It's dead silent.

No one is talking. I don't think any of us are even breathing. I grip Harry's hand, holding it tight as the anxiety rushes through me. He squeezes my hand back, silently reassuring me that it is going to be okay.

Niall looks as pale as a ghost. I have never seen him look so terrified in all the time that I've known him. His hands are shaking, and I watch him ball them into fists to steady them. I want to go over to him and give him a giant hug, but it's too tense to move.

Pen is a statue. She looks like she was turned into cement and frozen in time. She doesn't move or speak as she sits on the couch. I don't think she has blinked once in the last five minutes. She is staring in front of her with glossed over eyes, and I can tell she is in another world.

We told Pen everything today. We told her the entire truth and laid everything out for her. There was no holding back. Everything was exposed. It was a lot to dump on one person at once, but I know Pen, and she prefers to be told things bluntly. She hates sugar coating.

Niall told her most of it, and I chimed in a few times to help him when his voice started shaking with nerves. Harry didn't say anything. He is mostly here for moral support. Now we are all sitting on the couches, waiting for Pen's reaction.

It feels like a lifetime before she does anything. She brings her hands up and rubs them over her face, shaking her head like she is in disbelief. It breaks my heart that this is the reality we are living in, and now she has to choose whether or not she wants to accept that reality.

Finally, she says, "Do you have tequila?"

Harry suddenly becomes useful for more than just support. He jumps to his feet and goes into the kitchen to grab some glasses and alcohol. A few minutes later, he returns with them. Pen downs her drink immediately, so Harry pours her another.

"Okay," Pen starts, "So, you are all in a gang—"

Niall cuts her off, correcting her by saying, "A cartel."

She glares at him, and he shuts up. She says, "A cartel. You're telling me you are all criminals and that you dragged my best friend, the sweetest human I've ever met, into all of this shit, not only endangering her life but exposing her to the same substance that killed her mom? And you've all been lying to me for months?"

I wince at her words. Niall scratches the back of his head and says, "I think that pretty much sums it up, yeah."

She looks like she is in shock, which is the reaction that we were all expecting from her. No sane person would hear all of this and not react in that way. I definitely didn't react calmly, but my exposure to the truth happened in a much harsher way.

I say, "Pen, I know it's a lot. When I found out, in a much more unfortunate way, I was sick to my stomach. But these guys want to get out of this life, and they're the most amazing people I've met in my entire life, aside from you."

"You've killed people?" she asks as she looks at Niall, who nods. She looks at Harry next, and he nods too. Then she looks at me, and I feel like I am going to throw up. She says, "Have you?"

I can't believe that someone can ask me that question, and my immediate answer isn't no. Never in a million years did I think I would take a person's life. It is probably the last thing I ever expected to do.

I quietly say, "Yes."

Her face falls, and she looks at me like I am a complete stranger to her. I watch as all of the memories and our entire relationship that we have built are thrown away. This changes how she sees me, and it hurts.