PULSE [H.S]

077

"One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood." — Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I'm somewhere I never thought I would be.

"What are the three P's for recovery?" Andrew, the addict group therapy leader, asks us.

We sit in a circle, all of our chains turned inward to face each other. The therapy group is in an open room of a nearby hospital, and Niall encouraged me to start going. This is my fourth time here.

A girl to my right answers, "Passion, Power, Purpose."

"Exactly," Andrew says with a firm nod. He says, "Realize your passion, take back your power, and discover your purpose. Let's have some of you share your stories. Remember, everything you say helps someone else on their path to recovery."

A balding guy raises his hand, and Andrew calls on him. He clears his throat and looks around at everyone else, saying, "I'm Fred, and I'm an addict."

Everyone murmurs, "Hi, Fred."

Fred says, "I lost everything to my addiction a few years ago. I lost my family, my kids, and my wife. I lost my job too, and with that went my sense of purpose. I lost the person I used to be. I've been clean for four years now, but the regret still follows me. I am still trying to forgive myself for putting drugs above everything else. I just hope that my kids will forgive me, too. I missed out on so much, and nothing in the world can give me back that time. But I can make the most of the time ahead of me, and I'm not going to waste a single second of it."

He goes on to say more, but my mind wanders. All of this is just bringing me back to when I was living with Rae and my mom. It's all just hitting too close to home, and it's overwhelming. Every day I deal with my addiction, I start to understand my mom a little bit more.

What Fred is saying right now—that's all I ever wanted from my mom. I would've forgiven her for all of it if she had stayed clean for us. I wanted her to stay strong for us. We needed to know that we meant more to her than drugs, but in the end, we didn't.

It's difficult to relate what I am going through now to these people because I was only exposed to heroin once. These people have been struggling with this for years. My struggles seem like nothing in comparison to what they are going through.

But comparing my trauma to other traumas is a waste of time and energy.

I don't know what I am—if I'm an addict or just someone who now knows the high and thinks about it now and then.

Fred finished by saying, "I hope that my story can help some of you, even just a little. Thank you."

Everyone claps, and a few people say some kind words to him. Andrew thanks him for sharing, and then he turns to me. He says, "Kizalyn, you've been here for a few meetings now. Would you like to share with the group?"

They all turn to look at me, and I sit up straighter in my chair as the nerves hit me. I say, "Um, okay. I'm not really an addict. I only had drugs once." I pause, reflecting on that statement. All I can think about sometimes is drugs. I sigh, "Fine. I'm Kizalyn, and I'm an addict." They all say hello to me.

I say, "My mom lost her life to addiction, leaving me and my sister to foster care when we were young. I hated her for a long time after she died. I didn't understand why she kept going back to drugs, or why me and my sister weren't enough for her. She always chose drugs over us, even when it left us without running water or made us homeless. I hated her for doing that to us."

I look down at my lap, fiddling with my fingers. I take a breath and go on, "A little over three weeks ago, I was... tricked into trying heroin, and now I understand what she was going through. I only tried it once, but my body wants more of it. Sometimes it's the only thing I can think about. I feel like the only thing that can help ease the craving is more of it. I hurt my friends because I was blinded by the need for heroin. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but in a way, it helped me forgive my mom. I didn't understand how hard it was for her, how hard it is. I hope that, unlike her, I don't fall into the cycle. I hope that I am strong enough to fight through it, no matter how hard it gets."