PULSE [H.S]

118

"The calm before the storm means the worst is yet to come." — Yiddish Proverb

Today is the day.

Harry and I stayed up late last night, probably too late considering how long of a day we are about to have. We didn't want to waste any time that we could spend together when our future is so uncertain. We stayed up and talked for hours about anything and everything.

We also stayed up because I got sick twice. My stomach can't handle all of this stress and constant worrying. He sat in the bathroom with me both times, holding back my hair and rubbing my back. I don't know how he manages to be so unaffected by constantly watching me empty my stomach contents.

I'm scared about everything that is going to happen tonight. We are all terrified, but we are all trying to put on a brave face for everyone else's sake. I know, as well as anyone, that anything could happen tonight and that we might not all make it out of this alive.

Losing Harry isn't something I can think about. It's a thought that brings me to tears instantly because I do not know how I could ever survive in a world without him. I know if it came down to it, he would sacrifice himself for me without any hesitation. I would do the same for him.

We woke up an hour ago, but we haven't gotten out of bed yet. His arms are around me, and I'm curling my body into his for whatever ounce of comfort I can find. I don't want to leave this bed because that means it's time to face reality, and I'm not ready for that. I never will be.

"We'll be okay, baby," Harry says softly.

I want to believe him. I have to let myself believe him, but the truth is that we have no idea what is going to happen.

I say, "I'm so scared, Harry."

"I am too," he says. "Fucking terrified."

I ask him, "Do you think it'll actually work?"

"It has to," he says as his hand rubs the skin of my back. He says, "We've been in a lot of shitty situations, but we've always managed to get out of them. This won't be any different."

I say, "What if Aaron doesn't believe me?"

"He gets off on having power. You just have to play into his ego," he tells me.

The thought of talking to Aaron before I set him up for his death makes me physically ill. I hate him and everything about him, but it kills a part of me to do something so cruel to someone else, no matter who they are.

I say, "That's disgusting."

"I know, baby. It'll all be over soon."

He's right. One way or another, it will all be over after tonight.

There's so many possible outcomes, but there's only one that truly terrifies me, which is me surviving but Harry dying. It's the one outcome I refuse to let happen, because I would rather die than watch him die. I know he is thinking the same thing about me, and that is what scares me. We are both more concerned about each other's survival than our own.

I say, "I wouldn't trade this last year for anything."

"Me neither, baby," he says as he plants a kiss on my forehead. His voice is sweet as he says, "You changed my entire life."

I say, "And you changed mine."

He says, "You're the love of my life, Kiz. There's no one else out there for me. You're it."

My heart hurts. I feel my eyes watering, but I blink away the tears before I make my eyes even puffier. I can't afford to go into tonight looking like a disaster.

I say, "You're it for me too, Harry."

"I love you, Kizalyn Reeves."

"I love you, Harry Styles."

We let ourselves embrace each other for a little longer, but then it's time to face the day. Getting out of bed made a knot form in my stomach instantly, and it has stayed with me the entire day.

As I look at myself in the mirror, dressed and ready for the night, I see myself. I can see who I am now, and I can see how far I have come. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I'm stronger mentally and physically. I found my confidence through everything that I've gone through.

Some of the things I've gone through have been brutal, and there were multiple times where I didn't think I would make it even another day. I can see all of those times differently now because they helped make me strong. They forced me to find my inner strength.

"You look stunning," Harry says when he sees me in my dress. His voice snaps me out of my trance and brings me back to earth. He wraps his arms around me and says, "So fucking beautiful."

He's wearing a nice suit that is all black, which isn't a surprise in the slightest. He looks incredible in it with his perfectly pushed-back hair, smooth skin, and piercing eyes. I don't think there's anyone in this world who is more captivating than him.

I say, "You look incredible, Harry."

He leans down and presses a sweet kiss on my lips, filling me with the heavenly taste of him. I savor every second of the fleeting moment, needing something to hold onto to prepare me for what's ahead.

A few minutes later, everyone is inside our apartment, dressed as nicely as I've ever seen them. There's a nervous energy floating around the room, and I can see the tension in everyone's shoulders.

Zayn says, "Everyone know the plan?"

We all nod, a few of us saying, "Yeah."

He says, "We can do this."

"Hell yeah, we can!" Clove says, but her voice lacks enthusiasm, falling flat.

Niall says, "We'll get out of this together."

We briefly go over some key details about the plan one more time, just to make sure we are all on the same page. We talk about the meet-up points, the strict schedule we have to follow, and our cues. I think we all know it all by heart, but it helps get us focused.

I don't let myself think about the risks as we all embrace each other with hugs. I don't let myself think that this might be the last time I hug them, or that this could be the last time we are all together in one room.

What I do know is that this is our last few minutes in this apartment, and it's really hard not to start crying at the thought. Whether we make it out of this tonight or not, we won't be coming back here, and it breaks my heart in half.

Everyone heads out, but Harry and I stay behind for a moment. I don't think he is as sentimental about this place as I am, but this apartment holds so much meaning for me. This was my safe space when I needed to get away from Aaron or any danger I was facing. This is where so many of my favorite memories took place.

This is where Harry and I fell in love.

He says, "We'll make wherever we go our home."

"I know," I say as I lean into him. I say, "I'm going to miss this place. It's hard to leave it behind."

He says, "We have a lot of history here."

"We do," I agree.

He says, "I'm excited to find a new place, though."

"Yeah?" I ask, smiling at the thought of us picking out a place to live together.

He hums, "Mhmm. Can't wait to have new spots to take you on."

"Harry," I say, laughing as my cheeks redden. He laughs, too, showing his dimples. I say, "I can't believe that's your first thought."

He says, more seriously now, "Good luck tonight, baby. You can do this."

"We can do this," I say.

I look into his beautiful green eyes, burning the sight of them into my mind, even though I don't think I could ever forget them even if I tried. I admire his features, and every detail of his face.

He says, "I love you."

"I love you."