PULSE [H.S]

075

"Desperation is the enemy of rationality." — Terrence Rafferty

Niall is a trooper.

He's been checking on me every hour or so, just to make sure I'm still alive and doing okay. I'm all over the place, though, and unfortunately, he's the one who is dealing with it. One time he came in, I threw a book at his head. Another time, I sobbed in his arms for an hour.

I'm such a mess.

I think it's been six days now, so the withdrawal symptoms are still present, but they're not as severe as they were the first few days. Niall told me I was given a dose that was near lethal, which is why my body is reacting so badly to it. He said it also might've been laced with something else. The syringe pumped my body full of poison, and now my body is retaliating.

The worst part right now is the shaking. My body just won't stop trembling.

The fear of addiction plagues me too. My mind keeps gravitating towards drugs and what happened to my mom. I am terrified to fall into the same trap that she did. I already walked into it, I just need to find a way out before the gates shut around me.

I'm pacing by the window, trying to calm myself down and get my spiraling thoughts under control. My chest gets tight whenever I think about what happened.

The door opens slowly.

This time, green eyes meet mine, freezing me in place.

"I won't bother you," Harry says as he holds his hands up like he's surrendering to me. He points to the bathroom and says, "I just need to get my contacts."

He hurt me.

I loved him, and he hurt me.

I watch as he goes into the bathroom and grabs his contacts and contact solution from the cabinet. He looks tired. I can see the bags under his eyes even from across the room. Is that blood on his arm?

He's halfway out of the room when he turns back around and looks at me. He says quietly, "I'm sorry."

Then he shuts the door behind him, and I hear his footsteps retreat down the stairs.

My heart hurts.

I'm not sure what hurts more, the betrayal or the withdrawal. Combined, I just don't know if I can take it. The only person that I want to comfort me right now is the one person who caused all of this.

My body aches. Everything hurts. My head, my muscles, and every inch of me are in pain. I'm still trembling. It's the most miserable feeling in the world.

I can't stop thinking about how easily he stuck that needle in my arm. The one person I trusted with everything betrayed me.

It hurts. Everything hurts.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel at all.

I don't even want to think because my mind keeps going to the darkest corners it can find. It brings me back to that moment, when I was in the chair, staring into the eyes of the man I loved, realizing what he was about to do to me.

I can't handle this. I am breaking inside.

I need a release.

I need something to make this feeling go away.

I need my body to stop aching, and I need my mind to stop spinning.

I want to feel calm, like how I felt in those blissful few minutes after the drugs hit my system. The peaceful sensation was something I've been looking for my entire life. It was a way for me to escape reality and exist without thoughts or feelings. It made my world go silent for the first time, and I loved it.