PULSE [H.S]

116

"An octopus has three hearts. Think about that. Three hearts." — Karen White

The banquet is coming up quickly.

With every passing day, I have started to become more and more aware of the risks that our plan has. The risks are terrifying, and they make me physically sick when I think about them. I could die; someone else could die. Harry could die.

I've tried to see the world in a glass-half-full type of way, but sometimes it's hard not to think about the worst-case scenarios. I'm trying not to let myself dwell on the risks too much because we don't have a choice. We have to do this, or we are all going to die young anyway. We have to accept the risks.

Harry has been making me prepare for the banquet in every way. He's forcing me to eat the same things that he eats, which means I haven't had junk food or sugar in way too long. He also encouraged me to train more at the gym, both with him in the boxing ring, and with Zayn for strength and endurance.

I've been practicing shooting too. I've spent a lot of time in the dungeon recently, doing target practice. There is a very real possibility that the plan is going to go to shit and we are going to have to fight our way out of there. If that happens, I need to be as prepared as I can be.

I'm not bad at shooting. I'm not nearly as good as Harry, who hits the bullseye with every single shot, but I've been managing to hit the target with every shot. I still have no idea how I managed to shoot those guys months ago. I think it was mostly luck. And desperation.

I've put some weight back on and got back some of the muscle that I lost when I let myself decay in bed for a month. I'm starting to feel better again, like I've got myself back. When I look in the mirror, I no longer see a ghost staring back at me.

Harry also encouraged me to attend more group therapy sessions, so I went to one of those. It was nice to talk about my struggles with people who understand, but I was a little disappointed when Zion wasn't there.

I know in my soul that I will never touch drugs again. There is no drug in the world that compares to the way Harry makes me feel, or the joy that I feel when I'm with my friends, or the love that I feel when I see my sister. There's nothing worth compromising any of that.

I wish my mom could have realized that or found the inner strength to recognize it. Her addiction was much stronger than what I was feeling. I was only exposed to drugs once. My mom would have periods where she couldn't go more than a few hours without them.

It's hard to forgive her when her actions left Rae and I alone and put us both in foster care, which then led to Rae being in a coma. I understand my mom was sick, and I understand what she was going through more than I did back then. I know she tried to get better, but one moment of weakness can take all of that away, and that's what always happened to her.

I've talked about all of it with Harry, who is always really understanding and supportive. He never judges me or makes me feel ashamed about anything. He is there for me. I never expected to find someone like him.

Clove and I went shopping for dresses for the banquet, since it's an extremely formal event and everyone has to be well dressed. I found a dark green dress that I really liked, and Clove got a deep blue one. I didn't let myself look at the price tag.

It's weird not having to worry about money anymore, at least not for now. I never would have thought I would be able to afford such expensive things. My sisters hospital bills always took up most of my income, and with rent, necessities, bills, I rarely had any money left to spare. Now my bank account has over a million dollars in it that I don't even deserve.