Lainey's Story

28

I had tried to beg my mom for money for "car repairs" so I could get the pills from the clinic downtown. She knew exactly what was up and being a ridiculously over-the-top religious lady, I thought she would refuse but I suppose financing the death of my baby was cheaper and easier for her than raising the baby when CPS took it from its meth addict parents who beat on each other.

She even drove me to get them. I'd lied and told Krist it was for a Pap smear but he didn't know shit about female things so didn't question it.

My mom didn't say a single word to me until she dropped me off at my apartment, "Don't make this into a regular thing," she told me.

I nodded, "Wasn't planning on it, I want them to just cut out my uterus. I don't want kids."

"Perhaps you...and him should take a little more precaution."

"I'm getting back on my birth control."

"Why did you get off it to begin with, if you weren't wanting...this?" My mom asked, her lip raised in disdain. I could see red lipstick on her front teeth but didn't bother mentioning it.

"Well, if you really want to know," I told her, a pang of joy rising inside of me, "My IUD came out when Krist was fucking me."

I watched her visibly recoil, pleased with myself.

"Elaina! Have some respect for yourself."

"You asked," I replied, content.

She fluttered her eyelids rapidly, something she did when she tried to make herself cry so I would feel guilty. Wasn't happening.

Finally, she opened up her gaudy handbag, pulling out a crisp Ben Franklin and shoving it into my palm, clasping my hand closed, "Please don't let him know you have this."

My mom refused to say Krist's name. I read something once that said narcissists will do that as a way to dehumanize or distance certain people. I can't remember the exact reason but it made sense at the time. Krist was never Krist, just him, "that boyfriend of yours", etc.

"Thanks," I told her, grabbing my purse and opening the car door.

"Make sure you take that immediately," she lectured me.

"I know Mom," I grumbled, hurrying up to my apartment.

Krist was lying in bed, listening to Slowpoke in some kind of funk. He got like that sometimes, mainly when we hadn't had dope in a few days, other times it just happened randomly.

I planted a kiss on his forehead, "Come lay with me," he told me.

"After I use the bathroom, ok?"

He nodded, closing his eyes. I went into the bathroom and inserted the first set of pills in my cooter, finding myself getting teared up.

You're doing the right thing, I reminded myself before washing my hands and crawling into bed with Krist, burying my face into his back, and hugging him from behind. I thought about mentioning to him that we had a hundred dollars to spend but with what was going on, I felt like laying in bed the next day or two was the best way to cope.

He turned to face me, stroking my cheek lightly, a sparkle of the sweet Krist in his eyes, "Everything good, Lainey baby?"

It took everything in me not to break down, I nodded, "Yeah, just feeling all emo. PMS shit, ya know?" I told him, my voice wavering.

He pulled me close to him so that my face was in his bare chest breathing in the smell of his body wash. I wanted to tell him what I had done but knew that would make things worse. Krist would be mad at me for hiding it, for not giving him the opportunity to help me decide but in all reality it was my choice and my choice alone to make.