Lainey's Story

30

I didn't hear from Krist for a few days and was pretty unbothered by it. Cami had told me he was still there and hadn't even left the spare room other than to use the bathroom and shower, adding the mother fucker took three to four a day. He was probably greasy, sweaty, and achy. Oh well, his own damn fault.

Using the space, I focused on myself and my own well-being. Cleaning the apartment, cuddling with Scooter, and trying to process the last few weeks of "fun". Krist started messaging me again. First apologizing, saying that we can get clean and stay clean this time, that he loves me and he knows he fucked up. When I replied that I emotionally couldn't deal with this shit he did to me any longer, he started with the guilt trips and manipulation.

"I get it, I'm a fucking piece of shit Lainey and all I do is hurt everyone around me," one text read. Another he told me, "The world is better off without me anyway, you probably won't be hearing from me much longer." When that didn't work, it turned into spite and hate, him name-calling, and blaming me for his situation. Whatever, bro.

I found out from Cami that he'd brought dope into their house and he was trying to get crazy with her so she grabbed his duffel bag and threw it on the grass outside. I felt guilty as fuck because I wasn't a whole lot better than he was, unlike him my mom at least paid for me to not be in the streets like he was.

I was so tempted to have him come back because I felt crazy bad and I was worried about him out there. Ultimately, he made his choice to keep getting high and treating everyone like they were disposable.

Finally, I got my groove back and did my best to go back to the pre-Krist Lainey which was way more difficult than I'd expected. Before he and I got together, I'd been outgoing, I was out most nights, and I had people who maybe weren't friends but people that I kicked it with regularly.

After meeting Krist, we were mainly holed up in the apartment, rarely leaving. People fell off because they didn't want to deal with our drama. And not just that, I felt like my self-esteem was completely trashed.

Madison was able to coax me out of my self-loathing and drag me out of the house. She was single again, so we were back to being inseparable, going to house parties, music festivals, the club, and concerts. All the shit I wasn't doing with Krist. Heck, even had a couple one night stands.

Out at a house party, one that Jeordie was actually spinning at, is where I met Shane. He was a mutual friend of both Jeordie and Cami, as well as Madi, no clue how I had never met him but he was cool and we hit it off right away. There was no deep connection like I had with Krist but a spark was for sure there.

Shane was 24, tall, tan, muscular with a perfect smile and nice fashion sense. He was one of those dudes who had rich parents and didn't have to work for shit, not that I was someone to judge. He lived in his parents' house in the same richy-ass neighborhood Krist's parents did, sprawling modern-style mini-mansion nestled in the trees with a gorgeous view of the Columbia River if you stood on the top balcony. Though he didn't know Krist, he did know and like Krist's older sister, Kali, and ran track with his brother Brad. Probably a good thing he didn't know Bitch Ass to be honest.

His parents were never home, like ever. They were usually out of the country or at one of their other houses so the Vancouver house was basically Shane's and he did as he pleased. He threw parties, drove all their cars, and lived a life of luxury.

While he disdained meth, he was a massive cokehead who kept the drugs flowing-Coke, Molly, pills, pretty much you name it he had it or he could get it. One thing that I never understood about a lot of these party kids was the way they looked down on meth or tweakers like...y'all do ecstasy and Adderall. Like come the heck on guys, ecstasy is almost always cut to shit and Adderall is just the ritzy college kid version of dope.

Anyway, I was doing a ton of coke at the time too. I know it's a stim and all but it's just not the same as dope. You don't get that same feeling in your head or the tingles like meth. You can sleep, function so that is a plus. I was able to convince my mom I was doing really good and clean though! Shane was paying for me to go tanning, get my hair and nails done, clothes. I was pretty well taken care of.

My mom met him a few times and was over the moon, like I felt like she had a crush on him. She was convinced he was the one for me. And with me "doing good", she started giving me more money that I actually was able to set aside because I didn't need it at the time.

I honestly didn't know what Shane saw in me honestly until one late night, or early morning, he was in some kind of funk, almost like the type Krist would get into We had been talking about our families when I made the comment how it must be nice to get the whole place to himself And then he told me how lonely his life was. He said that he felt like the only reason anyone was around him was for money and drugs and that I was the only person he'd felt any kind of connection with, that he felt like his parents didn't give a fuck about him and basically paid for his way to not have to deal with him.

"I feel the same way. My mom pays me rent and gives
me money but I can't go in her house," I admitted with a bit of a sarcastic laugh, "Like my mom is just like I'll pay you to fuck off."

Shane nodded, "That's what it seems like, they always have been like that with them though. I never understood why they had kids. We always had a live in nanny, my dad traveled for work but my mom just did her own thing. I felt as if we were a burden to her or that they had us just to say they had children."

And that, I couldn't relate to. My mom didn't give me fuck off money until I was super obviously on drugs before that, she tried to have the daughter who was her bestie and took Madi and I for salon days, spoiled us, took us to eat.

"Were they loving when they were home?" I asked softly, wrapping me arms around his muscular bicep.

"Never. This is so stupid to be bothered about but my mom never even hugged us," he admitted, "I sound like such a crybaby right now, I'm sorry."

Leaning my head on him, I assured him I didn't mind and it made me feel good that he could be vulnerable with me.

"You're easy to talk to, you know that?" He asked me, his hazel eyes soft, "I swear I'm normally not all emo like this."

"I like that you can be open with me," I told him and that was the truth.

Like Krist, Shane and I began a relationship based off codependency, drugs and the fear of being alone. Unlike Krist, he was sweet all the time, he didn't have weird psychotic moments, he didn't yell, act jealous, put hands on me and the fucked up thing was that despite all of this, I just couldn't find myself falling for him the way I wanted to. Maybe in my own illness, I saw toxicity as love.