Daughters of Chaos

30

Chapter Thirty

Raven

Viper never showed at the clubhouse. Never showed his face that I was aware of anyway- thankfully. The few drinks I had kept me from looking over my shoulder every five minutes to check for him, but it wasn't enough to make me relax completely.

It was a better time than I expected, though. I think my time in the ring with Reaper helped with that. When we made it home, I collapsed into bed, hoping for a long dreamless sleep. Instead, I got to listen to Nix and Raptor for an hour and a half through our thin walls.

I don't hate them for what they have- what I'll likely never experience- but I really just wanted to come home and pass out. That's probably why I'm so testy this morning. That or the hard truth I can't get out of my head. The one I thought I'd prove wrong with Jesse...

I'm not cut out for happily ever after, or love, and fairy tales. Last night only proved that. Jesse was the closest I've ever gotten to feeling something, anything like what Nix and Raptor have- what my mom and Viper somehow found for a short time. When he walked away with that girl and nothing stirred inside me, I knew.

Feelings like that don't exist for people like me- the heartless wretches of the world. No, we're cut out for lives filled with other things- anger, violence, adrenaline.

I guess I'm more like Reaper in that aspect. Jesus, who thought I'd ever think that shit!

But it's true, I doubt he'll ever ride off into the sunset with some chick who tamed the feral beast. The two of us- we're likely to wind up alone and bitter til the very end.

And for some reason, that doesn't scare me. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

***

The bar was slow, only a small crowed of regulars and a handful of the MC were there, giving me time to restock and catch up on cleaning. I hadn't talked to Jesse since the party. He didn't come to the house that night- unsurprisingly- and had been avoiding me most of the shift, casting guilty glances my way occasionally.

I didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want him to bring it up and make things awkward, but I had a feeling he was going to make me talk about it. Make me say it out loud.

And damn it if I wasn't right...

"Hey, Rae," Jesse said timidly.

I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the bullshit conversation that was about to take place. "Hey, Jes."

From the corner of my eye, I could see him shifting uncomfortably, looking down with his hands in his pockets. "Are you mad at me?" he asked.

Here we go.

I shook my head. "I'm not mad at you. I have no reason to be," I told him honestly, hoping that would put an end to whatever he was thinking about saying next.

It didn't.

"It's just..." he started, "the other night... Me and that girl..."

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "I just don't want you to be mad. It didn't mean anything."

I shrugged, growing more irritated with the conversation the longer it continued. "It's no big deal, J. Really. I'm not mad at you for it. I told you to go with her."

A short huff breezes from his mouth as he leans against the bar. "I know, but afterward I thought about it. Thought maybe you were testing me and I failed. I feel like I fucked up my chance with you..."

Damn it.

My eyes closed tight as I tried to steel myself for what I needed to say. When they opened, I set down the towel and glass I was drying, turning to Jesse. "I don't do that shit, Jesse. If I didn't want you to go upstairs with her, I wouldn't have told you to do it."

He took a minute to let my words sink in before he said, "So what does that mean for us?"

With a sigh, I looked him in the face. "It means, if the mood strikes, we can keep having fun, but that's it. I'm not the relationship type, J. I need you to be on board with that."

For a second, he let the sting of my rejection show in his eyes, but it vanished before it could settle anywhere deep. "Sooo... We're good?" he asked with a half-smile.

My lips quirked as I nodded. "We're good."

Jesse let out a relieved chuckle as he pulled me into an obnoxious embrace, shaking me slightly as the tension melted from his bones. "Fuck yeah! I knew I liked you."

I rolled my eyes as he let me go. I held up a hand, pointing at him with one finger. "Just so we're clear, before you and I have any more fun I need to see a clean sheet from Doc. Our trysts don't need to come with nasty little surprises."

He laughed, nodding in agreement.

When our eyes met, there was a wave of understanding. Our casual hook ups would be few and far between, if they continued to happen at all. His gaze held no glimmer of sadness at the fact, if anything, there was a hint of relief.

What we had to offer each other was more important than a temporary good time. Friendship is funny that way.

With a knowing nod, he extended his fist. I met it with my own, giving him a soft smile. A silent agreement. A promise to never ask one another for more than we were willing to give. Our friendship, our bond was more important than any short-lived euphoria anyway.

And we were both okay with that.

When we looked away, I found someone watching us with narrowed eyes and pursed lips. Reaper. I buried my growl and went back to work.

Nosey mother fucker.

The door opened, welcoming in a group of women who nervously stepped into the dark interior, banding tightly together as if someone might reach out and steal one of them away. Jesse grinned at them, coaxing them closer until they relaxed enough to take up the empty seats at his end of the bar.

I zoned out, ignoring them as I continued drying the now-clean glassware. With Jesse entertaining the customers, I could work without interruption. Or so I thought.

A gruff voice cut through my solitude, jerking me into the present. "So, you two are done." A statement, not a question.

My brows furrowed as I looked up, finding Reaper studying me. The usual retort wrapped in smart-assed sarcasm isn't what left my lips as I replied, "There was never anything to be done with."

There was something curious in his gaze as he watched me silently. It was unnerving. "What's it to you anyway?" I asked, not bothering to keep the irritation from my voice.

Reaper shook his head, spearing me with a sharp stare. "It's not."

Before I could say anything, he stood up and moved to a table far from the bar, joining some of the guys from the MC. I rolled my eyes and wiped down the bar top, dutifully ignoring the table at the other end of the building.

When I checked the room a while later, a pair of dark eyes were once again trained on me. I didn't give him the satisfaction of looking away first. It was a dare, a quiet challenge and neither of us wanted to lose.

A/N: And the plot thickens...