whispers of the heart

191

gmail

from: herinnegailefortaleza@gmail.com
to: ajtakahashi@gmail.com
date: february 18, 2027
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dear jance,

it's strange how life unfolds sometimes, ano? one moment you're alone with your thoughts, pouring your heart out to what you think is a forgotten account, and the next, that silent listener becomes the person who understands you the most.

you were that listener to me. wala akong ideya kung sino ka noon kaya siguro nakahanap ako ng comfort sa account mo kasi alam kong hindi mo ako kilala. hindi natin kilala ang isa't isa.

hindi ko alam kung tama ba na nag-reach ako. i was afraid it might complicate things but something inside me kept urging me to do it. i'm sorry it took me a year to gather the courage to message you. but here i am, writing this because i want to share the truth you should know, explain why i made the decisions i did a year ago, and. . .

just because. . .

siguro may ideya ka na or wala, but you became my sanctuary. whenever i felt alone or lost, your silent presence was my solace. kasi kahit wala akong reply na natatanggap, alam kong may nakikinig sa akin. so, thank you. you made me feel heard, appreciated, loved, and remembered. thank you for making me feel those wonderful feelings. hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga 'yon. kahit hanggang ngayon, dala-dala ko.

i'm sorry. walang katotohanan 'yung mga sinabi ko sa'yo noon. you weren't a distraction, i was. when i heard that your scores started dropping because of me, naniwala ako kay franz noong sinabi niyang distraction ako sa'yo. and when you started drifting away from your friends, that i was holding you back from your dreams, wala akong ibang masisi kundi ang sarili ko. kasi pakiramdam ko nilimitahan kita nang hindi ko namamalayan. i'm sorry. i couldn't bear to see you compromise your dreams because of me kaya kita pinatigil. hindi dahil sa wala akong nararamdaman sa'yo, kundi dahil meron.

mahal kita. i did, in my own way.

mahal kita at ayaw kong sa akin lang umiikot at iikot ang mundo mo. i want you to explore the world. i want you to look around and see that there's a lot more waiting for you in the future.

hindi naging madali. my heart was torn between what i felt for you and what i needed to do for our own sake and dreams. i hope you understand that my love for you wasn't any less; it wasn't weak, it's just that our dreams called louder at that time. at 'yon ang kailangan kong pakinggan.

i love you. and i wanted us to both succeed, to achieve our dreams, without feeling like we were holding each other back. that's why i let you go. kasi that would be easier for the both of us.

i'm so sorry for everything. i'm sorry for hurting you, for pushing you away, for leaving, and for pretending i didn't care. i'm sorry for the confusion, for the lies, and for all the pain i've caused you. i'm sorry dahil pinaasa at pinaghintay kita noon sa wala. hindi kayang tanggalin ng sorry ko ang lahat ng sakit na naramdaman mo noon but i want you to know that i am sorry.

you know, sometimes, i wish things could have been different for us, that maybe we could have found a way to balance our dreams and love. but i guess, ganoon talaga, life doesn't always give us what we want when we want it. and it's okay.

it's been almost two years since noong umalis ako. at sa loob ng halos dalawang taon, walang araw na hindi kita namiss at hinanap. i want to feel the comfort of knowing you were there, even silently.

i miss you, jance. i miss us.

but my heart still whispers about our dreams and about the things that we both want to achieve.

i still needed to pursue them, to prove myself that i could achieve something on my own. but that doesn't mean that i will stop loving you. it's just that, i had to find a way to love us both.

i hope you're well, jance. i hope you've been pursuing your dreams, too, that you hadn't given up on them. siguro sa panahon ngayon, malapit ka nang mag-take ng board exam or baka nakapag-take ka na. good luck! and congrats! alam kong kaya mo 'yan. alam kong kaya mo palagi. you are an epitome of kindness and you deserve all the good things life has to offer— including your happiness and success.

sana alam mo na i'm proud of you, hm? proud na proud. always will and always have been.

maybe our whispers of the heart led us apart now, pero naniniwala ako na when the time is right, our whispers will also guide us back to each other. sana. sana sa huli, tayo.

until then, take care of yourself.

i wish you well in everything you do.

with all my love,
erine