HE Who Saw the Deep (COMPLETED)

Chapter 37

Hindi na ulit kami natulog pagkatapos kumain. We went outside for air. Sa lamig ng hangin kailangan kong doblehin ang parka na suot. Eron's better now, kaya maayos naman siyang nakakapaglakad.

He held my hand and put it inside his parka's pocket. Nakaupo kami sa gazebo at tanaw ang lake na unti-unti nang napapalamutian ng yelo, it's snowing early in the morning. Tag-lamig na nga.

We talked about what happened the day we broke up. Somehow, I felt like it was all because of me. Pakiramdam ko ninakawan ko siya ng pagkakataong mag-excel sa propesyon na gusto niya dahil sa aksidenteng wala akong kaalam-alam na nangyari.

I remember it vividly, how I pushed him away despite the heavy rain outside. I was desperate to get rid of him, kasi kung hindi ko gagawin iyon noon hindi ko kayang pakawalan siya ulit. I was closed minded and never wanted to hear him out.

I was miserable and I know that's not an excuse but that was me being toxic because I wasn't over grieving over my brother who wished for nothing but for me to move on, nawala rin ako sa sariling at napabayaan na ang ibang mahal sa buhay. . . I was selfish, immature, problematic, and broken. Para akong pinagbagsakan ng langit, sinaraduhan ng pagkakataong bumawi sa lahat ng naging pagkukulang.

I looked ahead. Watching the snow rests on the trees around. Everything's getting covered with white snow. The wind blew my hair, sinikop ko iyon at nilingon si Eron na nakatayong pinagmamasdan ako sa likuran.

"We once dreamed on coming here, you remember?" Patiuna ni Eron, maliit ang ngiting nakapaskil sa labi.

He tilted his head as he smiled at me while I looked at him with wide smile plastered on my face. His cheeks, ears and nose are getting really pink because it's cold.

I nodded. How could I ever forget that? Lahat naman yata ng pinangarap ko noon ay kasama siya. He was never out of the picture.

But I instead achieved some without his presence, yet he was in my heart.

"Kaya umuwi ako ng Pilipinas noong nalaman kong umuwi ka to pursue you again, but. . . " He gulped and looked at me gently. Ngayon hinarap ko siya ng maayos. "I feel so inferior to myself. . . I am intimidated by your success, sino ba ako para gambalain ka ulit ngayong kilalang-kilala ka na? I am no one, you don't deserve me. I feel so pitiful so I have been working on it. . . " My lips parted, I was about to say something but he talked again.

"I thought you deserve someone as established as you. Ayaw kong magpakilala ulit nang wala pang napapatunayan. Pasuko na ako, eh... " Umiling siya at tumingala, I saw his Adam's apple move up and down. The pain reflected in his eyes, it never fails to make me understand.

"But it's not what my heart wants. . .  When I accidentally met you at the airport, I knew I had to have you again." Aniya, at lumapit sa akin, inabot ang kamay ko.

"Hindi ko kayang hindi subukan man lang," Mapait siyang ngumiti sa akin. My heart clenched that I sobbed.

I bit my lips and punched his chest as I grabbed him for a tight hug. Hindi ko alam na ganoon. . . ang nararamdaman niya. He hid it so well I couldn't read his eyes those times we accidentally met.

"Sorry for pushing you away, hmm?" I sounded almost pleading. He hushed me while brushing the small of my back.

Sinilip niya ang mamasa-masa kong mukha na nagtatago sa dibdib niya. "You kept on saying sorry. . . that's enough. Tatanggapin ko pa kung sasabihin mo sa aking mahal mo'ko." Ngumisi siya, I slapped his chest and he groaned exaggeratedly.

"I won't even beg for forgiveness if I don't love you, Eron. Think about how I couldn't forget you for almost a decade. You linger on my mind even when I'm going to bed." Sabi ko na ikinatahimik niya, hindi ako nakatangin sa kanya kaya nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay nakita ko ang maliit niyang ngiti na para bang nakikinig siya ng paboritong musika.