Harmione One Shots

An Old Dog's Old Tricks

Summary: Harry wants to ask out Hermione, cue Sirius Black.

Ship: HarryPotterxHermioneGranger

All credit goes to CheerfulCynic on Ao3

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Harry Potter was a bit stressed.

Now this wasn't the usual "my life is in immediate mortal danger" type stress nor was it the slightly more usual "I didn't do my potions essay, Snape will kill me" type stre-wait yeah no those are the same.

No, this stress was much worse and it was eating away at Harry. Unfortunately for him, the cause of his ever growing anxiety was staring right at him.

"Harry? Are you alright? Is something wrong?" Hermione Granger asked with a cute frown on her face as her concern over her best friend distracted her from the smudge of porridge stuck on her cheek.

Harry smiled before blushing a Weasley hue, then did something incredibly out of character, although he thought hopefully said action would be a lot more in character in a few days time.

He reached up and gently flicked the porridge off Hermione's cheek perhaps lingering a few seconds longer than was necessary, but Sirius had said he needed to be more physical since witches love that stuff...or something like that.

Silence. Harry frowned as he looked around, wide eyes, mouths gaped, and disbelief ran amok.

Now Harry was really blushing up a storm as he realized that even with a half empty great hall, nearly everyone at the Gryffindor table, currently eating breakfast, had noticed his more "affectionate" gesture. Sometimes Harry truly despised being The Boy Who Lived.

Glancing back at his best friend, Harry smiled shyly as he noticed Hermione was frozen, her rather gorgeous eyes widened as her face turned a light pink. Apparently a shocked Hermione Granger was quite a pretty sight, which was too bad as it wasn't often one could surprise her. She was brilliant that way.

Harry cleared his throat before finally answering her question, "I'm fine Hermione. It's-It's just embarrassing really. I'll tell you more later when we're alone." Attempting to distract her from his little episode, Harry added "Uhh have you finished Snape's essay yet?"

Hermione's look of complete disbelief told him she noticed his horrible attempt to change the subject and her subsequent eye brow raise told him, she was not letting his less than platonic touch go. Once she dragged by the arm to the library, Harry knew he was 100% screwed. Damn old mutt!

About a week earlier

"Pup, you really didn't need to do this..."

"and leave you malnourished and starved? Yeah no, anyways eat up or I'll give it all to crookshanks instead." Harry said with a little too much seriousness for Sirius' liking.

Finally shrugging and picking up a fork, Sirius dug in with the ferocity of a starving dog err grim. As Sirius was finishing up, he finally addressed his godson and his elf. "So what's up, Pup? I assume this is your elf-"

"Friend, he's a sentient being just like you and me Sirius and he's his own person" Harry said firmly as his voice resonated across the dark damp cave Sirius had decided to set up shop in, selling world renowned products such as depression and despair. (absolute best sellers)

Sirius nodded before gesturing for him to continue. Then Harry's confidence all but vanished as he asked quietly, "How do you ask a girl out?" Sirius' permanent frown disappeared before a grin broke out on his face. "Ah I was wondering why your voice seemed a lot deeper. Finally going through that phase huh?"

Harry blushed a deep red before nodding and looking up towards Sirius again, this time an expectant look on his face. Sirius' grin grew as he realized that he had a golden opportunity to teach his godson the ways of wooing a witch, in which he was quite the expert, and that he finally had something he could truly help Harry with because while there wasn't much he, an escaped convict, could do to get Harry out of the tournament, there was quite a lot he, lady's man Black, could teach his godson about the ways of charming a witch, and without a wand!

So with a roguish grin on his face, Sirius reminisced over his early Hogwarts days and nitpicked his best tricks and tips he could possibly teach his woefully inexperienced godson.

About a half hour later, after listening to far too many detailed stories of Sirius pursuing witches both old and young, both shy and confident, both Hufflepuff and Slytherin-okay you get the point. Harry sat staring at a piece of parchment, Sirius had conjured up, using Harry's wand of course, and Harry was left mortified because apparently in order to have Hermione as his girlfriend, Harry would have to follow and replicate...

A SIRIUS GUIDE TO CHARMING ANY WITCH

(without the use of a wand!)

BE CONFIDENT - In order to win a lady's affection you must be sure of yourself! This means no more stuttering, no more avoiding eye contact, and certainly no more beating around the bush! Ladies love guys with confidence but be warned if you attempt to fake it you'll end up with your tail between your legs and trust me that is not a pleasant experience! (not that I speak from experience of course) BE MORE PHYSICAL - If you want to dig your way into a witch's heart, you must show that you want her! You can not be reluctant to make a move on her because then you're only showing her you're scared of her rejection and no witch wants a coward for a wizard! (i.e. don't be snivellus) DON'T BE CREEPY - Don't be creepy! While physical contact is great and can make most witches swoon, don't push it! Also if you're too needy that you can't handle a rejection then you end up becoming a threat and scary! Can't snog someone who's right terrified of you! (speaking of which rats are really creepy you know but a dog on the other hand is cute and approachable!) DRESS CLASSY AND LOOK DASHING - Once you manage to snag a date with your object of affection, you should not under any circumstances show up looking distasteful or worse, boring. Have some class will you! No witch wants to date a guy with tattered robes. (poor moony...) SHOWER - EXBIHIT A -Snivellus BE KIND AND COURTEOUS - Unless you're being confronted by another suitor for your lovely lady's affection, you should avoid being confrontational for no reason. You should also actually pay attention to your date, eyes up you git! and you should also be as attentive as you can so that you don't accidentally piss off your date! (Your dad struggled a lot with this one)

Harry finished reading with a scowl now present on his face as he looked up into Sirius' all too wide grin.

"Did Azkaban give you brain damage?" Harry asked seriously.

"OI! I'll have you know those five rules got me a lot of dates back when I was your age!" Sirius exclaimed more than a little miffed at his godson's immediate dismissal.

Harry sighed as he rubbed his eyes. "Okay I admit these aren't half bad..." Sirius sported a smug smile, "But I don't think I know how to follow even half of these without looking like a fool and frankly I still have no idea what to do just to ask her out! Should I do it publicly? In private? Where do I even take her out to? Madam Puddifoot's!? That sounds like an actual nightmare and I don't know how to be confident! Is that why she went with Krum...? I don't even know what she likes in a date for Merlin's sake! and I love her too much to muck this up! You've got to help me Sirius!"

Just before he could properly begin to panic, Sirius stepped in this time a lot more mindful of Harry's inexperience and overall shyness.

Sirius placed his hand on Harry's shoulder, "Harry." Sirius inhaled, "Who do you want to ask out?"