Harmione One Shots

Death by Misadventure

Summary: Death has always been an efficient worker but, after his apprentice almost took his job, his superiors sent him to a small world where he could concentrate on his work. Everything was fine, until a certain Harry Potter arrived in his office. Or, what if Harry saw Death everywhere he went.

Ship: HarryPotterxHermioneGranger

All credit goes to Krummbein on Ao3

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Unknown date – Unknown place.

"OH, BUGGER."

The voice that wasn't one woke him suddenly, and Harry blinked at his surroundings blearily, wondering where he was. The last thing he remembered was the flash of green coming from Voldemort's wand, and then the world had gone black.

"I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH YOU, BOY, WHAT WENT WRONG THIS TIME?"

Struggling to his feet, Harry whipped his head around and was alarmed to find a skeleton looking at him with an annoyed expression. It was wearing a dark hooded cloak and sitting behind an ebony desk, surrounded by black furniture. There was a single dot of colour in the room, and Harry was surprised to realize that it was a birth announcement card, on which the words "IT'S A GIRL!" were written in vivid pink letters.

"AH YES," the being said cheerfully, following his gaze. "MY DAUGHTER GAVE BIRTH TWO MONTHS AGO AND SEND ME THIS. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER, YOU KNOW?"

Harry couldn't believe that he had a daughter either but wisely decided to keep his mouth shut.

"BUT ENOUGH SENTIMENTALITY. I BELIEVE YOU WERE ABOUT TO TELL ME WHY YOU WERE BACK SO SOON, RIGHT?"

"Erm," Harry said. "It's just... I don't really..."

"AH, OF COURSE YOU DON'T REMEMBER. NOW, YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE IN MY OFFICE, RIGHT?"

"Because I'm dead?" Harry asked tentatively, and the being – Death – nodded.

"YES, AND IT'S THE FOURTH TIME IN LESS THAN TEN YEARS. THE FOURTH TIME! I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN MY WHOLE CAREER, AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT I'VE BEEN IN THE BUSINESS FOR A WHILE. NOW, LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE ALMOST DONE WITH THAT HORCRUX BUSINESS, HOW IS THAT COMING UP?"

"I've been there already?" Harry said, surprised.

"I'VE JUST TOLD YOU SO, BOY, DON'T YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY? THE FIRST TIME WAS BECAUSE THAT BIG SNAKE GOT YOU BEFORE THE BIRD COULD ARRIVE WITH THE SWORD."

"You mean, the Basilisk?"

"THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID. THEN, A DEATH EATER," Harry was sure that Death had just rolled its non-existent eyes at the name, "KILLED YOU IN THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES, JUST AFTER YOUR UNCLE DIED."

"Godfather," Harry corrected, but Death did not seem to care.

"WHATEVER, BOY, STOP INTERRUPTING ME. LAST TIME WAS ONLY A FEW MONTHS AGO, AND IT WAS ANOTHER SNAKE THAT GOT YOU. BETTER STAY AWAY FROM THEM FROM NOW ON, IF YOU WANT MY OPINION, THEY DON'T SEEM TO AGREE WITH YOU."

"I'll... I'll try to do that," Harry answered, the 'sir' on the tip of his tongue. Was Death gendered?

"GOOD. NOW, I'M GOING TO SEND YOU BACK ONE LAST TIME, AND I'LL EVEN ALLOW YOU TO KEEP YOUR MEMORIES OF THIS CONVERSATION TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU DON'T END UP DEAD IN THE NEXT TWO MONTHS."

"I'm sorry," Harry said, feeling stupid, "but why is it so important that I don't die?"

"WHY IS IT SO... BECAUSE OF YOUR DESTINY, BOY!" Death exclaimed, making Harry jump. "THERE ARE ONLY A FEW MORTALS WHO HAVE ONE, AND YOU KEEP MESSING YOURS UP! IT'S WRITTEN RIGHT HERE," it said, taping its finger on a piece of sheet that Harry hadn't seen before. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KILL THE VILLAIN, GET THE GIRL AND DIE AT THE RIPE AGE OF 150 YEARS OLD. I KNOW THIS VOLDEMORT IS SOMETHING, BUT CAN'T YOU MAKE AN EFFORT?"